Fall from Grace

2009-08-06T22:44:00.001-04:00

I really miss you, please, be my friend again.

Angel hates fluff

2009-07-27T22:57:00.008-04:00

I don't know if its me doubting myself, or the fact that everyone around me, has that companionship, has that 'something' that makes them smile..

..and the one person that makes me smile...I just can't have.
Not that I can't have him...just I'm scared to be honest with him...and in turn that puts distance between us. In geographical terms...so much distance, its like I'm here and he's standing on the fucking Wall of China.

Surprisingly, three years of being single, three years of being alone -- and I have never felt more empty than I do now...and its because of him..

I can't believe that I'M letting him get to me...and the worst part, is that he doesn't even know it ..
I can't let him know...
I have to put on this face, like it doesn't hurt me that we don't hang out, that we constantly talk 'fluff' with no meaning and it kills me cause I want it to be like it was...

FUCK

Honestly, I don't know what to do...

I can’t express myself well anymore.

I used to write, write, write. Now I can barely breathe (breathe, breathe).
It’s funny that I’ve written so many similar words of friends and foes, the lovers and the loveless, but I feel like anything I write about him won’t actually do him justice. It’s a pretty standard cliché but I don’t really care at this point. I guess all I can say comfortably is about me. About how I am with him.

Least of all, I am happy when I'm with him. Even happy isn’t the right word. There are problems. There are so many problems. But he's the first guy I’ve wanted to tell my family and friends about and not care what they say in return.
The first one I want to live with and love with as long as I am able to.
He's the first one who makes me squirm with pleasure and teem with rage.

I have felt all of these things before, I won’t deny that. I’ve had my share of lust and love and jealousy and hatred. But it’s never the same is it? That’s the point of love, even though the feelings may be described the same way they never truly are the same. Who would want love over and over, if the feelings got old?
Anyway the importance of this is diminishing, because I can’t explain it accurately- I’m trying though.

So you know that electric current that passes through you when someone you’re into looks at you, or smiles at you, or kisses you, etc? That current that we all get, all the times I’ve had it, just isn’t the same anymore. My hair still stands on end, yes, my knees still shake, my hands wring themselves, but it’s a strange, volatile progression that I’ve never known.

Like you’re using paddles to move my blood. It’s not the type of current that numbs me out, as most do, it’s the kind that makes the trees dance and the flame of my lighter stay lit. In the sly smiles and raised eyebrows I see through him and in turn see through me too. And he's still everything I've wanted...and more.

Even with the inevitable distance.
I still want the electrical storm that was our relationship.
I do know what I’m getting myself into. I know and I don’t care....

To you...

You matter to me, and one day I hope you realize that’s enough. That I’ll keep you afloat, I’ll keep you breathing, I’ll keep you unafraid.
You see all that is relevant is us. The rest we figure out along the way.
It’s simple really, I love. You love. We love.

2008-12-29T08:11:00.003-05:00

So every once and a while, a situation comes along that just seems too good too be true....and I usually doubt it. I usually think of every way possible that this couldn't be what was happeneing -- something must be wrong, or wires crossed or something....and then I find that my insecurities and my paranoia just usually ruin the situation...and c'est la vie.

So when Colin and I started talking more after I got back from Mexico, I just figured it was because ...well I dunno...we missed each other's friendship? Well -- we consumed ourselves with each other. The first person I talk to in the morning, and the last person I talk to at night....since I got back. He makes me laugh, we have fun together...all as friends. Until one of us starts drinking, and then the conversation makes that awkward turn; the "You're such a great friend, but I also want you to know that I would sleep with you if the opportunity arises" turn....and I had to start to think. I've always found him attractive, I mean for christs sakes he's a FIREFIGHTER...and what woman has not had those fantasies....men in uniform are SMOKIN! (no pun intended lol) Anyways -- he's single, attractive, we make each other laugh, we go to each other with advice...and we take each others advice...so maybe this could work -- maybe we could do this....is this what I've been waiting for? All those horrible dates, and funny stories for my girlfriends after the fact, have they all been leading up to a possible relationship with someone right under my nose??!

Black Hole

2009-07-13T21:07:00.000-04:00

There is a void....that I cannot fill...no matter how much I drink, eat, sleep, work, pretend not to care..

I need to feel loved, and cared about -- and I only want one person to make me feel that way...

God dammit...

Black hole where my heart is once again...

Im joining a convent.... :S

Angel's caught in a web of lies....

2009-05-19T10:20:00.001-04:00

There comes a time in everyone’s life, where they realize that they have just been pushed too far…they realize that the people in their lives that they trusted, and laughed with, and smiled with and shared good times and intimate thoughts with…are the ones that are the first to look them in the eye…and lie.

At this exact moment, I’ve had two people in my life (just to name a few), that were of a certain importance - lie to me…and I caught them. Now – obviously, everyone lies…it’s human nature, I get that. But what I don’t understand is how you can lie TO someone, to their FACE and expect it all to blow over. Do I look like I’m naïve? Do I look like the type of person that would just take your bullshit, and your lies and walk away satisfied??…apparently I do…and sadly enough…that’s exactly what I have been doing for so long now. Walking away with the wool over my eyes…just convincing myself that I wouldn’t be surrounded by people that would be so bold to lie to me like that.

Then…I realized I was lying to MYSELF about the lies; convincing myself, that they weren’t lies, just pure coincidences, and that I needed to come to terms with the fact that everyone handles situations differently. If I would have dealt with something one way, and not the way that Person X dealt with it, I found myself giving them the benefit of the doubt, and telling myself that I needed to be more open to how people deal with situations. When in reality, they were just smug in the fact that I believed their far fetched lie…and it just snowballed from there. Lying because they couldn’t tell the truth because it wouldn’t make sense with the last lie they told…etc…

Now – if you are reading this, you know exactly who you are, and you are only the icing on this cake…and I only have one thing to say to you…was it worth it?? All I’ve ever asked for …all I’ve ever wanted was the truth. I trust anyone until you give me reason not to – and I didn’t want to believe that you couldn’t be trusted...I want to believe that everyone can be….but with each lie, and each passing day it gets harder and harder to trust anyone.

Whether you’re my best friend, co-worker, acquaintance, ex, whatever…there is a trust that I automatically have instilled in you…and sadly because of a select few (surprisingly men...lol) it’s not automatic anymore.

I will not assume that people are telling me the truth about tough subjects, I will not assume that when you say you are having fun you actually are, and I will 100% not assume that when you tell me your single…you are.

The lesson my friends, is that we live in a world of selfish people, who really don’t give a shit about you and your feelings…even when they say they do. Granted, there are a lot of great people out there, and those that you could trust with your life…but very few…and when you have one of them…you hold on to them for dear life.

Sadly, I’ve learned that after 24 yrs of friendships, and relationships, and pseudo-relationships (LOL) – the only person that you can trust is yourself…and even then it’s hard to trust what your mind says vs. what your heart feels. I’ve learned that if your heart wants it, its gonna hurt…and if your mind wants it...it might be boring (but safe).…and I know that I’m just waiting for the day that happy medium exists…where my mind TRUSTS my heart….but until then…

Angel will never send this...

2009-04-19T17:59:00.002-04:00

Below - is a letter I'll never send...because it means that I'll never be able to talk to him again...I wish I was stronger....

Hey

So..after pretty much two months of you avoiding hanging out with me - I get the clue. You make up every excuse in the book to not do something with me, and frankly I've been an idiot thinking that you're just a busy guy.

Im glad that you've found someone else to fill your time, but I want you to know that I don't understand what I've done wrong.
Instead of just saying to me - "I don't know what to say"...just tell me what happened...cause I hate feeling like an idiot for asking you to hang out...when I know that you're just going and spending your time with someone else....who is clearly more important. You're able to keep a weekly date with certain people but its impossible to come by and chill for one night.

You've bailed on me twice in instances where it meant the most to me, and instead decided to go shopping with Amanda and Tanya...which was one of the worst choices you could have made; making me not trust you...and proving that Karma is real.

Im glad you've found a girl that you can hang out; all the time, who doesn't end up with feelings for you - and I hope that its worth it...cause Im done asking you and being all fun and happy...you really hurt me - as a friend....you clearly need to look up the definition.

Im done your game XXXXXX, I can't do it anymore - cause clearly I don't mean anything to you - not even as a friend. You've gone ahead and made it into the same category as all those guys you used to warn me about....its really not a nice place to be. Im sorry that you're gonna miss this...cause Im pretty awesome ...friends or otherwise....I kinda thought you were different...but you managed to prove me right....maybe someday soon this could work...but until you realise that you can't treat people that way...and you can't just assume that what you did was 'right'....Im gone, as much as it hurts...and as much as I hate to say it --- I really do care about you...just don't think you'll ever care back unfortunately....and maybe when the time comes..it will be too late - and someone else will have realised how amazing I am...

Secretly...I hope that someone is you.

Good things come to Angel who waits....

2009-03-26T20:00:00.003-04:00

Why is it...

When you don't want anybody but him...everyone is at your disposal?

Why is it....

The only person I want to be with.....can't be with me until he finds out about a job...

Why is it ...

That I always let men test my patience, at the mere thought of that one word we all search for...

Why is it...

That Im such a sucker for love...

Oh I know --

Its because when you're IN love..its the greatest thing in the whole world...

But when you can't have it --- its the most frustrating and annoying feeling ever felt...

Tick tock tick tock...

Put Angels Fire out ......

2009-01-06T12:20:00.003-05:00

My firefighter summed up in two sentences, before going into details about our first date...

**Waiting to hear from a job in Ottawa where his ex gf lives, and he has a good chance of getting the job
**Super cute, big connection, feels fantastic spending time with him...and yet he is worried about if he is over his ex or not...and how he doesn't want to get into something with me, and then have to up and leave when he gets this job.

Ok so my date last night, was the most confusing, weird...whatever and I needed to talk to someone about it -- so you get that job.

We had a fantastic night in general..... we went to BP and watched the game, had good conversation....then got to the movie and it was good....and then half way through the movie, i just was like F*CK it and i turned to him and put my arm underneath his and like cuddled up to him....and I was like ...I don't like your rules lol

So then for the remainder of the evening we were like that ....then he was driving me home really slowly...and we were still talking and what not...and then conversation started in the car when he dropped me off and basically he asked me if i was ready for a relationship, and I said I am...and I know what I want....and he said that he wants too, but he's so confused with his feelings for his ex cause they never really 'broke' up cause they hated each other, but more so because of the distance etc...

We talked about what I want...where I am in my life, and where he is...and I said...Im at the point where I want that relationship, and I can see it happening with him.. he agreed that there was a connection there, and that he is worried that we would start something, and then he would still have feelings for his ex or have to move...and I just said, well I guess Im in the mindset that you don't know if you never try....and he kept saying "You're killing me here" lol and he was like, if I had known that you were going to come into my life like this, I would have turned down the Ottawa interview....and I was kinda shocked and he was like -- thats why this is so hard for me...

We talked about how I got over Wes, and how hard that was for me - just as a point of interested for him, and he asked me how I did it....and I was like honestly, I can say that I've been 'single' for the past two years, and since I started talking to him, have I not ONCE thought about my ex, and I told him that I think him coming into my life helped me get over him. I told him how no matter how nasty a break up is , that you will always love that first one no matter what, and I understand that and its just how you handle it, and the understanding from your significant other, that helps you get over them .....then I used some cheesy line like " You can never get over your ex, if you don't get under someone else" hahahahah lol Im a loser

I told him that I didn't think it was fair to me for the expectation on his part to be that if he doesn't get the job in ottawa that I would just be here waiting for him - I told him that I don't have anyone else in my life right now, and that hopefully if that happens, I would be around....but you never know..and he was like ...I've never not jumped on a chance like this before -- I've told my friends about you , I've told my dad about you - and they are all amazed at how happy I am since we've started talking - I said the same....and I just said that no matter what happens, we are still gonna be friends, and still talk ....cause I don't want that to end....

So then at like 120 I was like alright well Im sorry for putting you on the spot etc, I guess I just really like you and think you're great etc....and he was like and I feel the same, I guess I just don't know what to do. So I was like ok -- you have one last chance to end this night with a kiss...we just stared at each other, and I fist pumped him lol and was like have a good night.

Then I got inside and felt like a loser for putting him on the spot like that, so I txtd him and apologized about how even though I knew why he was doing what he was doing, how sometimes my emotions get the best of me...and he wrote back " I feel like an idiot actually" so I was like well you should a little lol ....but I said that in the future it would be his call, and Im not putting myself out there....and he wrote back " All night I had so much fun with you, and I was so happy when you made the move in the theatre.....and then in the car, that was very hard not to jump you, I hope you know that". I told him that im glad im doing something right lol

He said he was envious that I was so secure in what I wanted and I knew 100% --- he said that he knows there is a connection there...and he knows that we would have fun and be a fantastic couple ...but we can't be until all this stuff gets figured out....and then I changed the subject lol

So bottom line - we both want this to happen - he doesn't want to hurt me by moving to Ottawa, but he also doesn't know where things stand with his ex. I told him that by allowing feelings for me to come through, he was realising that he wasn't going to be with her, and that it might be time to move on. I dunno -- it sucks...it was really hard to just leave the car, I've never felt so rejected ....yet I know that he wants me.....its the weirdest thing

lol there is my little strory about last night... :P

Grinch stole....my heart....

2008-12-24T20:54:00.000-05:00

My heart......hurts.

Angel is ....

2006-12-12T03:09:00.000-05:00

HAPPY

For the first time , in 8 mths, I am 100% genuinely happy.

You know why Im happy -- and I mean , I guess it comes at the expense of a friendship...but to be honest..Im not a mean person, or would want anyone to lose a friend over me...but this...this is...undescribable.

I am undescribably happy....

Now..this doesn't mean much for the status of a relationship, but to be honest...I don't really mind so much...we don't have a title..meh...I love Wes..alot. We are friends...best friends...and it won't change.

Whatever happens from this point forward...is fate...I am 100% believing that...I mean..I feel like my leg is getting better..this whole situation is getting better...

I am so happy...and life is good :)

Funny how one small step by someone, can change someone's life this much...

I love this quote...and for once in a long, long time...I think I am starting to love myself...

The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself and if you can find someone to love the you that you love, well, that's just fabulous -Carrie Bradshaw

Year of the Angel

2007-01-02T00:43:00.000-05:00

So ..its the time of year where we all reflect upon the past year and try to better ourselves and decide how this next year is going to turn out.

Im hoping that this next year, will only bring good things and happy times for me and all those in my life.

I spent the New Years at work, and then went to Wes's to join an already happening party...

It was fun..but my night was not complete until my New Years Eve kiss with Wes in Vancouver time...it was cute :)

I know that you read this, and Im pretty sure that you know how I feel about you. But I honestly am 100% sure, that I could spend the rest of my life with Wes. I have been thinking about it alot, with this whole cancer thing, and thinking about life and the hands that it deals you...and I've come to the conclusion...

..this past year has been the hardest I've yet to face...I wouldn't be able to do it without Wes in my life...he is my angel...my rock...and I love him more than anyone or anything I ever will...

I have only been seeing him like once a week for like maybe 5 hrs or so...and its just not enough...I've gotten to that point, where ...I want him in my life..permanently...

Scary eh? I know you are scared as you are reading this...and I want you to know that Im not pressuring you into ANYTHING at all...just letting you know, that anything you want, Im pretty sure I will want too...so...I dunno what I want...I dont know why Im writing this...I just ...

I love you so much...and I hope that I am lucky enough to have you in my life for many more years to come.

My new years resolution...

...Be a Better person, physically and emotionally
...Beat this...physically and emotionally..lol

...and finally just to love everyone in my life more than ever...let everyone know that they are special to me, and do whatever I can to make everyone's life as easy as possible...

P.S LEAFS GAME WAS FUCKING AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Angel wishes...

2007-01-07T00:50:00.000-05:00

Angel wishes that she were not so fat

Angel wishes, that she could just be a normal weight and be happy and not be the 'token' fat girl that all her friends hang out with.

Angel wishes that Wes would just want to love her and touch her the way that she is, instead of coming up with every excuse under the sun and would just be honest with her.

Angel wishes that this Cancer would just go away and leave her alone...

Angel just wants to be held at night and told that everything is going to be ok...

Angel wants to be normal and would like Wes to like her for her and not for something that she was once and hopefully will be in the future...

Angel just wants to wear a really small size shirt, and have guys hit on her....and not have guys be disgusted...

This blows...

Trusting Angel

2007-01-31T02:35:00.000-05:00

So..today I go into my yahoo account, which I haven't checked in forever cause I just started checking the forums alot more now...and I click the inbox and Im not even paying attention and I notice a name that is familiar , not because I know that person, but because Wes know's that person. I realise that I am in Wes' inbox. I guess last time he was here and checked his rogers account on my computer it automatically saved. So I had a moral dilemma...do I just X out of it as if nothing had happened...but because Im still working on trusting him I checked the email that he had from this chick.....

Needless to say it pissed me off..so I told Wes that I accidentally got into his email because i would never want to know his email..I don't think thats right..I can be psycho but not that psycho...and he was all like it was harmless and waht not. I mean ...I dunno what to think. He doesn't flirt with me, he doesn't touch me, he doesn't want to be with me...and here he is flirting hardcore with someone that I trust him with ...which worries me even more than ever...

Im a bag of nerves...I just feel like Im never going to be good enough for him..and I try so hard, and it just doesn't work...and Im at a loss. Flirting is a necessary part in any relationship because it proves to to the person in the relationship that they are still attractive and wanted by other people, not only their loved one.

He went too far...he flirted too much...and it was a little too serious for my liking. I don't know if I should be more mad at myself for not being able to X out of the menu when I saw it, or mad at him for apparently 'flirting' harmlessly with this friend of his...

...Flirting always has a sexual motive behind it...I don't care who its with...

:(

Angel is :|

2007-02-07T02:38:00.000-05:00

Im just blah. Im so fed up with doing everything and worried about what everyone else thinks. I do everything and say everything and when I do...and someone says something to counteract what I say..I get upset and just don't have an opinion anymore...I mean I can take criticism...but all the time...thats all people say...Im never allowed to have an opinion on anything.

Sometimes...well all the time I wonder what my life would be like if I was still skinny...if I wasn't so fucking fat...I think people would respect me more, I would move up in the workplace...I would have a relationship that has intimacy and not fake intimacy...

Is it really that hard...for just one day...to not be alone...to have people that want to be with you....

GRRRRRR

Say It isn't so...

2007-03-21T00:29:00.000-04:00

Just thinking about Wes with someone else makes me ill...

I didn't think I was that easy a person to get over...

I guess.....

I guess...I must have been wrong... :(

Horrible Angel

2007-04-06T01:34:00.000-04:00

I feel like such a bad person...

Im horrible...causing stress in other people's lives...Im such a bad person and Im so selfish...Wes is so happy with me not in his life, and then becasue I can't deal with things on my own -- I have to involve him....

I feel horrible...

:(

Angel Thanks you...

2007-04-09T01:37:00.000-04:00

I will not force you to make a decision...

I will not put you in this place anymore...

Im sorry....

Thank you for everything....everything you do, and everything you are going to do...

Thank you

Angel wants to be with the Angels

2007-04-16T00:16:00.000-04:00

I have reached that point in life, that happens at different times...some people are 80 yrs old when they toss in the towel..I am just rounding my 22 birthday and its time.

I just lost the one person who understood what I was going through, cause its what she was going through. Despite everything she was strong, and happy and delightful to be around; because she has people that care about her...Ryan would have died for her...he would do anything, and it helped her along.

Last night, I went and saw her, and we talked and out of nowhere she mentions that I am lucky to have Wes in my life, cause he cares about me, and wants to see me get better, and that she can't wait to meet him and talk to him , and she is convinced that him and Ryan will get along...

That is never going to happen. She died last night at around 1:30am; and I dismissed myself, left the house, paid my respects where due...and left.

I drove for what seemed like hours, to some pub in Hamilton, and just drank --- its sad that happened, and I regret it...

And then...I called Wes...he told me he would be there for me, he told me he would help me through ti all...and he abandoned me...I could barely see cause I felt like the whole world was crumbling around me...and all I wanted was to get lost in his arms...and he wouldn't. He couldn't...because of you.

Now, for some reason, he turned into this gigantic asshole the second he sees you...yelling at me telling me all sorts of stuff...when before that...all he is saying is that he can't tell you to go home cause you drove so far...and that he loves me and all that stuff and that he wants to come over but he can't cause you were coming over...

YES THAT IS WHAT HE SAID.

He loves me, he cares about me -- and he is scared..but because of you...I spent my night, in grief , alone in the bathroom crying, and being sick and wanting to kill myself because I can't wrap it around my head WHY he is being this way. He is scared that I am going to die, and leave him alone...well newsflash, thats what happened to Tasha and its a reality...it sucks but its a reality.

I needed him last night, and because of you ...it didn't happen.

I have been civil up until now, I have dealt with all of this, and just been more upset then words can say...until now. Until now officially I have lost the one person that knew what I was going through. Im not losing another..

This man has helped me through hard times, and we have had some good times, and we have had some bad times -- but most of all, the most important thing, is that we love each other...

He hides shit from me...about you ...do you know that???..and then tells me about them later. Do you know that he tells me all sorts of things, about how its not going to work out, and that you're not his gf and all this ...yes..that was recently.

You have no idea what it is like to deal with this...none...and don't try and play friend in all of this...because I don't give a shit.

Im his last call of the night, Im the person he thinks about all the time, and Im the one that he loves...

Like I said before...you are a welcome distraction to a reality that he doesn't want to face...and I understand that cause I don't want to face it either, but when shit hits the fan it stinks...
I was just starting Chemo...confident that surgery was the next step and that he would be there for me through all of it...and you fucked it up.

He is the one person in my life that I need right now...please don't take that away from me...I'll be gone in three months...can't u just wait until then...can't you be understanding until then...

Let me die in peace, believing that he loves me, even if it is a lie...

I just want this all to be done with ....I'll trade with you Tasha...she deserves this life more than I do -- she has more people that need her...

I want one person in my life -- and he can't deal with me being sick...and that hurts more than anything...more than Cancer...more than this whole situation...

It hurts too much...make it go away

Chemo Angel...

2007-07-11T21:29:00.000-04:00

So --

I'm half way through Round One...and I cannot explain the feelings and emotions and everything that is going on with me. I feel so weak and yet so full of life at the same time. So far, no one at work has really noticed anything, and the one person that knows the truth does his best to make me smile on a daily basis.

Im not losing my hair as drastically as I thought I would be, I mean soon Im going to have to do the big shave, and Im not looking forward to it, but its gonna have to happen. I so far have only had a couple mouth sores, and a few sleepless nights, but other than that all is ok...well no...not all ok...all is bearable.

You are still not 'talking' to me, which I don't understand....and at this point in time I hate you. I hate you for promising me that you would be there for me through all of this, and now, when I have gotten over you -- and realised that I deserve to be treated better than you treated me, and I have accepted the past, and looked to the futuer with you as a good friend -- you leave me. You can pretend all you want that you don't care -- but I know that you care..and that's what hurts more. The fact that I know that you care, and that you could be fulfilling my dreams with me, and yet instead you are sitting at work, in life, with a fake smile on your face....wanting to know what is going on in my life.

I know that you want to ask me how my treatments are going , maybe wanting to help me with wigs, and possibly shave your head with me in support of Cancer. I know that you care, I can sense it all the time. Yet, somehow you think that by not talking to me, your life will be better....and I don't see how that is possible.

I don't love you like that anymore. I could NEVER EVER love someone who has done what you have done to me...who has abandoned me, and is full of empty promises and yet despite all the bad things that have happened between you and I --- I still try and remember your smile, and your laugh and all the good times that we had together, because I don't want to hate you -- I want to smile and laugh and have fun -- but right now, I hate you.

I hate you for telling me that my life is not as important as someone else's.
I hate you for making me feel like I have done something to deserve this treatment.

I hate you for not being there for me after my first IV, and the second...and the third...

I've been off from work for the last little while, staying at my parents as they are out of the country -- and to be honest, every thing that reminds me of you...I sit here and smile...and then my heart hurts....hurts because I can't call you and talk to you on the phone --- I can't write you an email and know that you read that...and I can't msg you randomly with some stupid funny inside joke .....

If you don't surface soon....its over....for good..I can't sit around and tell everyone that you just have things to work out, and then you will be around.

You have until the end of the month -- cause then I start Cycle 2....

If you don't make a decision -- either cut off contact with me completely, or come and say hi...let me know that you do care...and possibly bring me a fun hat...lol

You are a shitty boyfriend -- but a great friend....

Let's be friends babe...

Angel falls in love too easy...lol

2007-07-30T20:49:00.000-04:00

So I guess being sick has made me appreciate life, and the people in my life, a little more than normal.

...and that could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on where you stand in my life.

I find that I don't trust people as much as I used too...yet at the same time, with those that I am a little weary about, I look at them more intensely and try and read them, and understand why I don't trust them, what it is inside of them that Im weary about...and I try to get passed it.

I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt...I try to trust them with me....but it just hasn't been happening as much as I would like....

Also -- the last week, I have sat down and thought about anyone that meant something to me, why they were important to me, and how they have impacted my life...and Ive realised that I fall in love too easily.

I want to give myself to people, and never lie about who I am...what I've done, where I've been...I want them to look at me...and see me for everything that I am....I never EVER want to hold back to anyone that is important to me...and that in turn makes me fall in love too easily.

Its a good thing to be in love...it is....it makes you smile, and giddy, and give you that feeling of being wanted by someone for who you are...and what you stand for...

....and it makes you feel beautiful....and I haven't felt beautiful in a really REALLY long time.

With you -- I don't even remember the last time that you had told me that you loved me, or that you thought I was beautiful, or you complimented me...

...My one happy memory, that makes me cry just thinking about it...was 2007 Valentines Day...I got the time off work, and I was so happy just to be with you. I showed up in Brantford, and you were just so happy...cause you knew that buying me roses was what I wanted...and that I was going to love them...you walked from downstairs, with a dozen roses in a vase, and I remember your face exactly, and your smile...and it made me happy...to know that you appreciated me...you loved me....not only did you get me flowers, but you bought me other stuff as well....and all I had was cupcakes.... :(

I constantly think of that...and others while Im trying to think happy thoughts of you...and I have no regrets.

I wish that you could be around with me now, help me through this....but I have someone who has replaced you --- just as you have someone who has replaced me....and he looks at me, and instead of running away when he found out that I was sick...he lifted my chin, and looked me in the eyes and said "Well, I guess we are gonna have to beat this together".....and I couldn't have asked for a better response....because that is what you said in the beginning....

...I just hope he sticks around to experience me...

The difference between him and you....is that you got me when I was in my prime, and no problems, and constantly happy...and you got me at my worst...dealt with me when I was unhappy and dealing with so much...and you stood by me..and I never thanked you truly and whole heartedly for that...

...he gets me in the middle of my fight....and looks at me like you did when we first were together...and he understands that this is going to be rough...and he doesn't even love me like you did...and he's still AROUND. He is standing beside me...through all of this...

..it upsets me that I can't say the same for you ....but I understand that you have your life that you need to live...and Im not in it...

....it would be nice if that changed...but if it doesn't....I will dedicate my book to you...

Thats a promise...and I ALWAYS keep my promises....

Angel feels really bad...

2007-11-18T23:33:00.000-05:00

So admist all this crap that I have dealt with in the last year or so...I have managed to become a selfish person...a person who doesn't care about other peoples feelings, and who was used to being so selfless and do everything for everyone...I have turned into a person...who has ruined lives....

I have Cancer...yes...and it has ruined my life...showed me the true side of everyone, including myself...and I realised..that I can be selfish

With Wes...I was selfish because I didn't want to deal with all of this on my own, and because I had given so much of me...all of me to him...and he just threw it away to go be with someone else...that was better than me. I didn't want to believe it, I didn't want him to be ok with abandoning me in a time when no one should be alone...and I did everything I could to make him love me, make him see me again with love...and it didn't work...

Then...an opportunity arises, with someone that I care about and might even love...and I take it...regardless of his situation. I know that I needed someone in my life that could make me smile again, and make me feel beautiful and sexy and important....I couldn't remember the last time I felt like that...and I loved it..and wanted it all the time.

He always had time for me...complimented me, and made me feel important. The sex was amazing and he was just so helpful with me through my treatments, and my decisions in regards to fighting this disease, that it made me appreciate him so much more....and then he told me that he loved me...and I didn't know what to say...could this actually be happening??? Could I, the one with Cancer, be loveable again? Could someone want to spend the rest of their life with me??? Yes...it is possible I realised...but not with him...not because I don't feel the same way...but his girlfriend and his unborn baby may think a little differently.

Yup - thats right ppl....gf and unborn baby. Now you must be saying to yourself...what a bastard!!! Lying about all this to you -- telling you he loved you and you being so innocent and caught up in all of this....

Well..retract your thoughts friends, cause I knew from day one what the situation was....and I still continued doing the nasty...and meeting up...and having rendevous...and late night calls and flirting...and why did I continue this??? Why would someone subject herself to this ?????

Well -- my answer is simple....I was looking out for myself for once. I wasn't caring about anyone else and their feelings...I was doing what was good for me....and it backfired...and Im an idiot. It was such a good idea at the time...it was so perfect....and I knew that it wasn't going to last....but it did...for 6mths...and it was great...

...and then he saved his MSN conversations, and she read them....and so started today....

Which left me feeling like a homewrecker, and I know its not my fault...I know I didn't do anything wrong, Im a single girl, who has a life altering and threatening disease, and I was trying new things...and seeing how life actually was, and I got so wrapped up in the magic of it all, that my morals and my common sense left me thinking something was ...and it wasn't.

So now -- Im sure he is never going to be allowed to talk to me outside of work...even though I just talked to him and he says he still wants to be friends...but its over...like...I suck.

Why do I fall for the people that just end up hurting me???? What the hell is my deal???

In other news......................

Im living my life every minute to the fullest, and trying not to regret my past, or any thing I say or do.....

....and Im left alone....again....when all I want is for someone to keep me safe while I sleep...

Fuck.

New Year....New Angel

2008-01-01T23:20:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year everyone!!!!!!

Well well well...As we are all recovering from our nights last night, I'm sure we are all reflecting on the past year, either with friends, or in our heads..thinking about what 2008 holds for all of us....

I've been thinking about New Years since the start of the Christmas holidays, and its just such a significant part of my life, and I don't know why. Maybe, its the start of new beginnings, and almost a new me every year...but to be honest, I am so glad that this year is over.

This has been the most stressful, and depressing year I have had to date, and I cannot wait to start fresh.

I had been thinking about this post since yesterday on the way to Toronto, and trying to think of something inspiring to say, something that I will be able to look back on in one year, and say -- wow, I was right! lol so far I've got nothing haha

But...I did check my post from last year, to see what I predicted, what I said and what mood I was in...it was interesting...

" Tuesday, January 02, 2007 Year of the Angel

So ..its the time of year where we all reflect upon the past year and try to better ourselves and decide how this next year is going to turn out.

I'm hoping that this next year, will only bring good things and happy times for me and all those in my life.

I spent the New Years at work, and then went to Wes's to join an already happening party...

It was fun..but my night was not complete until my New Years Eve kiss with Wes in Vancouver time...it was cute :)

I know that you read this, and I'm pretty sure that you know how I feel about you. But I honestly am 100% sure, that I could spend the rest of my life with Wes. I have been thinking about it allot, with this whole cancer thing, and thinking about life and the hands that it deals you...and I've come to the conclusion...

..this past year has been the hardest I've yet to face...I wouldn't be able to do it without Wes in my life...he is my angel...my rock...and I love him more than anyone or anything I ever will...

Scary eh? I know you are scared as you are reading this...and I want you to know that I'm not pressuring you into ANYTHING at all...just letting you know, that anything you want, I'm pretty sure I will want too...so...I dunno what I want...I don't know why I'm writing this...I just ...

I love you so much...and I hope that I am lucky enough to have you in my life for many more years to come.

My new years resolution...

...Be a Better person, physically and emotionally
...Beat this...physically and emotionally..lol

...and finally just to love everyone in my life more than ever...let everyone know that they are special to me, and do whatever I can to make every one's life as easy as possible...

P.S LEAFS GAME WAS FUCKING AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

Yeah -- I know. What a wonderfully horribly completely WRONG post...but I mean I was a different person back then...

I do have to say, I was tearing up last night at the stroke of midnight, realising what I left behind me in 2007, and what could be waiting for me 2008. I didn't have a New Years kiss...and It hurt alot...but I quickly regained my composure, realised I looked fucking amazing, and continued with the partying...

Even though it has only been a year, its been a year full of eye-opening opportunities and soul testing events...

1) Breaking up with Wes

This had to have been the most gut-wrenching emotional experience that I have ever been through. I was in a fog for weeks, couldn't eat, didn't want to do anything. Tried to wrap my head around what I did wrong. Having a long distance relationship with him for 4 yrs, and then 3 days till when he moves 30 seconds away from me, he breaks up with me..already with my replacement. I dealt with the heart break and am still dealing with it, surprisingly...

In breaking up with him, I found myself, and realised that you can't trust anyone. I trusted him with my life, and everything....and then he just...breaks that. I love him, yes, always will...I shouldn't...but I do...

I think the worst part, is that he demanded we be friends, stay friends and he will help me through the treatments and be there for me...he has NEVER kept his word. I have lost my best friend...and instead of him being a help to me through all of this....he was the one that I cursed while I was taxi'ing it back from chemo, or being sick for days on end. He was supposed to be there for me, holding my hair...rubbing my back...ready to cuddle up with me and hold me telling me it was all going to be OK...

I don't even have his friendship anymore. And that hurts...allot

If someone can hurt someone that they apparently 'love' that much...they don't really love them. I think the worst part, was that I was dealing with all my treatments, my first round of chemo.....all by myself.

Which leads me into my next point...

2) Dealing with Cancer

Two New Years have passed and I still have this thing. This disease....and I'm going to have it until the day that I die...I'm OK with that.

OK -- that's a lie. I'm not OK with that, but I tell myself that so that I can deal with the emotional outbursts I feel, worried about how long I have, and what I need to do in order to live my life to the fullest.

I had chemo -- did it all by myself. The hardest thing I have ever had to do. I watched my friend succumb to her illness, and scared me shitless....

I went to every treatment, and every Dr's appointment on my own - because frankly I don't trust anyone. I had a bone marrow test, which hurt like hell...I don't recommend it at all...by myself. I had minor surgery in my leg, and took a cab home, cause I don't trust anyone.

I got tests back -- dealt with the results...by myself.

I told one person that I was sick...and he ran like you did..with his tail between his legs, not knowing how to deal with it. Just a word of advice...I was more scared than any of you have been, and have to face this thing head on...its NOT OK for you to run away cause you are scared. Think about me and what I am doing. The battle I am facing....your support and care means the most to me...stand beside me, not behind me or from a distance. Help me deal with this -- and win.

I stopped treatments, cause I was told that there really is nothing that is happening right now. Everything is just dormant. Too many tumors to operate, so its a waiting game. A waiting game that consists of me feeling like I've been hit by a bus...twice a week (at the minimum), lying to work about just 'being tired' that's why I look like hell.

To cap off the end of an already spectacular year...I got some x-rays back, and I have more...in my lungs and chest.

Yup -- I have had cysts from the chemo there...but they were dead, not alive...and eventually left. And now, I have two tumors...in my good lung...just sitting there, making it hard for me to breathe...and god knows what else. I haven't told anyone...once again the whole trust issue comes into play, so I think I'm just gonna leave it. Or you all will read this, and get mad at me for not telling you lol...so I think I will just let you react as you wish.

Right now, I'm trying to decide what to do. I can live with the other tumors, its just a waiting game right now, but the ones in my lungs are constricting my air...and I can't breathe. I metaphorically couldn't breathe with all this emotional news...now I actually can't. I have to make those decisions for myself...

Maybe if you were still my friend we could talk about this....it would help me allot...but I know you have your reasons...I just don't think they are good enough...

3) Men...in general

I also changed as a woman this past year, with a "Fuck it, you only live once" attitude. It has made me meet and get to know some amazing men who are in my life right now, and have shown me that I am beautiful, and sexy and gorgeous...even at my worst. Ron was the only one that knew about my Cancer...and this fight. I didn't elaborate, because after 6mths of 'seeing' each other, he ran away when I told him...as fast as he could...home to his gf, and their newborn baby girl.

I'm a horrible person.

Ron made me cherish myself, and realise that I am amazing, and deserve only the best. He just didn't feel like he could give that to me, seeing as how he had already made a commitment to her...with their child and everything lol

He told me he loved me, and looked into my eyes and told me he wanted to be with me...and all I could do was think about how he was going to hurt me...and I couldn't trust him.

I told him the truth about being sick, and that was his excuse for running back home. Leaving me to deal with everything alone...what a surprise.

I have only been able to attract guys with girlfriends, or wives, or families and its frustrating. Maybe I won't be getting someone of my own until I beat this Cancer, and can look it in the eye and say " Fuck you".

I have definitely learned a few tips for dating the last little while, and I sure as hell don't like it...lol its so stressful!!! hahah

Anyways -- 2008 is going to be full of new beginnings, new people, news on the health front I hope, and me going forward with my chin up, and head held high ...ready for whats next...cause frankly, after the emotional rollercoster i have been on this year, I am ready for anything you can throw at me...I hope

Happy New Year everyone!! Love you will all my heart!!!

xoxoxo

Recovery Angel..

2008-01-21T00:16:00.000-05:00

So...I have been doing nothing the last couple of days....just watching DVD's and expanding my knowledge of the Planet Earth.

I want that DVD set so much...I can't even explain it...I've been watching the first set, called "The Blue Planet"...and its absolutely amazing...a whole new eye opening experience....makes me appreciate life that much more...

Im watching the one on the Artic and the Antarctic Oceans....and let me tell you babe...I saw Aurora Borealis...and I need to go...I MUST go and experience that...so I'm hoping that I'm gonna get better...and soon...cause watching this DVD makde me want to travel that much more....I can't wait to watch the Planet Earth DVD...I'll prolly quit my job and just go travel the world!!!!!

Recovery is going well....it has to be...as I leave for NYC on THURSDAY!!! Yep!!! Thursday!!! I can't wait!!!! It sucks that Im going under these circumstances, but Im still sooooo excited :)
I'll be able to explore and do whatever I want....YAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAY!!!!

Still haven't talked to you in a week....so Im assuming that you are having a good time in Kingston...you haven't noticed yet, or sent any emails or anything....so Im glad that you are able to focus and not have me in your life...I feel like Im not a good thing in your life right now, and hopefully that will change...but with recovery and what not...who knows....

Honestly, I don't feel all that hot, but Im going to NYC no matter what!!!!!!!

Third times the charm for Angel...

2008-02-02T22:39:00.000-05:00

Surprisingly, the last little while, death and dying have been the LAST thing on my mind...

I mean, its still there, lingering...waiting for me...whether sooner or later, I will be meeting up with it...and I want to say that Im prepared, but I don't know if I can say that I am.

Recovering, travelling, thinking, surgery-ing...lol

I didn't have access to my computer while recovering, as I couldn't stay propped up for so long...so I did alot of writing...and as you all know from reading this ...writing is the one way for me to get my feelings out.

What you are about to read, is me...at my...well not worst, or best; but a different state of mind after one surgery. I have had my second, very minor, day surgery, and I came across this as I was writing again the other day. I feel like living with Cancer, can be a constant reminder that death is waiting around the corner, and it is terrifying. If we let that terror grab hold of us, it will choke us...and it will win.

The terror of death is so powerful that most human beings will do anything to avoid even thinking about it. Unless we’ve flatlined, seen the light, and lived to tell the tale, most of us can only speculate about what the actual journey entails. For years the thought of death made me physically ill. A spooky, jinxing paranoia grabbed my mind before it could wander into the void. At the time, I believed that worry was praying for what I don’t want, and since I didn’t want to die, I refused to think about it. What if the worry could bring it on? Yikes, creepy, no thanks! Better to smoosh the heebie-jeebies than to play roulette.

However, anything that we hide grows in strength. If you refuse to allow yourself to taste extra-dark chocolate, the curiosity will one day get the best of you. Eventually, the temptation to explore the door in the floor became too great and I had to open my mind to the darkness. By allowing my imagination to drift and wonder, a very cool possibility floated to the surface of my frontal lobe. What if death is just like leaving a room?

Picture this. You are at a party with your family and friends, and you are all really happy, eating crackers, and enjoying one another’s company. You are laughing, hugging, and whooping it up. After a while you leave the room to go into another part of the house. Although you are no longer you with your friends and family physically, you can still hear them. Maybe you can even make out exactly what they are saying. No doubt Uncle Buddy is telling a great joke and Grandpa Harry is advising your little sister to be careful.

You then open a different door to an area of the house even farther removed from the party. Now you can no longer hear your friends and family—but you know they are all still there, still in the house, still with you. Instead of hearing their laughter, you can now feel it. In fact, no matter where you go in the house, you feel their presence. You know that even though your physical relationship to them has changed, your energetic connection has not.

Your what-if visualizaton will probably be very different from mine. Perhaps religion or a spiritual practice has given you a comforting model of what to expect when your last breath is exhaled. If you feel secure enough to explore this space, I encourage you to do so. I promise that worrying is not praying for what you don’t want, and that the anxiety of the unknown can actually be more dangerous than a gentle fantasy.

I have no idea how the long dirt nap actually works, and to tell you the truth I don’t want to find out anytime soon! But this visualization really helps me in rocky times of fear and doubt. Remember, death is the end of the chapter, not the end of the book.

What helps you? Can you imagine death in a way that will give you peace rather than panic? If you can let go of the fear of death, what would your life look like? Picture it.

I look at my friends and family differently....I look at everyone differently, and I always wonder now, if I died tmrw, would they all know what I feel for them.

Would he know that everytime I see him, I just want to hug him and have him never let me go...

Would you know that Im sorry for putting you through all my crap, and that I wished it worked out for the better?

Would she know that Im sorry for what happened....it was never my intention to break hearts, and hurt you...Im sorry.

Would they all know, that I love them with all my heart and will miss them whether or not I go, or they go....I love them.

I love you all, and just hope you know that.

Do not be afraid of death, or dying....it will happen eventually, and the only way to accept it, is to realise that you have lived yourself a full and beautiful life.

My third surgery, is a nasty one...and prolly the one that Im most scared of. Recovery time is longer, and harder and am still hoping that you being around would be a welcome surprise....think about it.

Im scared, and going into this surgery is sure going to be a test of my will to life, and my purpose here on earth. This could be the final curtain call on two levels...for this Cancer, or for me...

When they say live each day as if its your last...they mean it.

You never know....

Naive Angel

2008-05-09T01:40:00.003-04:00

So..

Based on my last post, I'm sure you can all figure it out...figure out what happened, and once again tell yourselves that I'm an idiot.

..you know what, maybe I am ...maybe I'm an idiot...maybe I let people into my life too quickly, trust them too quickly...want love too quickly...and will do anything, for it..

What the hell is wrong with me? What have I been doing this past year, with the men in my life? This stupid disease, this stupid, fucking disease....makes me feel inadequate I guess...makes me feel like I need to be loved no matter what...

No matter how many hands he lays on me....no matter how dishonest I am with him about my sickness, and how I just tell him I volunteer at the hospital when I go...that I'm not the one being tended too, and tests run...

Bruises are easy to explain, especially to the dr's...they expect it with my disease...and he's smart about it too...doesn't do anything too noticeable, anything too unexplainable..

And I'm the idiot that has resulted to this...instead of finding someone who loves me for me, and for my disease...I'm with someone who doesn't know about my disease, hasn't told me he loves me...and clearly doesn't with the way that he...well he tries to show it...

What is wrong with me?!?! Why am I continuing to keep this man in my life if he does this? What have I resulted too?!

I ask myself these questions everytime I get a phonecall from him...and everytime that he just takes it that ONE step further than he should...but apparently thats what I've been resulted to believe I deserve...

Its like he is two different people, and I never know what is going to set him off...he'll call me when he's done work, we will have dinner and watch some tv...and everything will be good...the next day, same situation..and I do one thing wrong and thats it...it's over...but then he switches in a matter of minutes to that wonderful side of him, that made me fall for him in the first place..

Am I really that naive that I don't get it? That I don't see why he is doing what he is doing? I somehow believe that this is a higher way of punishment for taking the route I have around my Cancer treatment? Is this what I get for being scared????

He holds me when Im down...even though he can be the reason that I'm down 80% of the time...
He calls me and tells me he misses me...even though I ignore him so I don't have to get hurt...
He makes me not think about what I did to deserve this disease, but what I did to deserve him and how he treats me...

He makes me bruise and hurt and cry....but helps me forget about my sickness and makes me feel real again...

I know, what type of rationality is this? What is this voice in my head? Feeding me reasons and excuses and all sorts of scenarios about how this will all change?

Oh right...its the same voice that tells me I can't be alone any longer...and just need someone to love me for me...torn and tattered...bruised and beaten...sick with cancer and just needing a hug...

It seems thats just too much too ask.....

dammit