Fall from Grace

2009-08-06T22:44:00.001-04:00

I really miss you, please, be my friend again.

Angel hates fluff

2009-07-27T22:57:00.008-04:00

I don't know if its me doubting myself, or the fact that everyone around me, has that companionship, has that 'something' that makes them smile..

..and the one person that makes me smile...I just can't have.
Not that I can't have him...just I'm scared to be honest with him...and in turn that puts distance between us. In geographical terms...so much distance, its like I'm here and he's standing on the fucking Wall of China.

Surprisingly, three years of being single, three years of being alone -- and I have never felt more empty than I do now...and its because of him..

I can't believe that I'M letting him get to me...and the worst part, is that he doesn't even know it ..
I can't let him know...
I have to put on this face, like it doesn't hurt me that we don't hang out, that we constantly talk 'fluff' with no meaning and it kills me cause I want it to be like it was...

FUCK

Honestly, I don't know what to do...

I can’t express myself well anymore.

I used to write, write, write. Now I can barely breathe (breathe, breathe).
It’s funny that I’ve written so many similar words of friends and foes, the lovers and the loveless, but I feel like anything I write about him won’t actually do him justice. It’s a pretty standard cliché but I don’t really care at this point. I guess all I can say comfortably is about me. About how I am with him.

Least of all, I am happy when I'm with him. Even happy isn’t the right word. There are problems. There are so many problems. But he's the first guy I’ve wanted to tell my family and friends about and not care what they say in return.
The first one I want to live with and love with as long as I am able to.
He's the first one who makes me squirm with pleasure and teem with rage.

I have felt all of these things before, I won’t deny that. I’ve had my share of lust and love and jealousy and hatred. But it’s never the same is it? That’s the point of love, even though the feelings may be described the same way they never truly are the same. Who would want love over and over, if the feelings got old?
Anyway the importance of this is diminishing, because I can’t explain it accurately- I’m trying though.

So you know that electric current that passes through you when someone you’re into looks at you, or smiles at you, or kisses you, etc? That current that we all get, all the times I’ve had it, just isn’t the same anymore. My hair still stands on end, yes, my knees still shake, my hands wring themselves, but it’s a strange, volatile progression that I’ve never known.

Like you’re using paddles to move my blood. It’s not the type of current that numbs me out, as most do, it’s the kind that makes the trees dance and the flame of my lighter stay lit. In the sly smiles and raised eyebrows I see through him and in turn see through me too. And he's still everything I've wanted...and more.

Even with the inevitable distance.
I still want the electrical storm that was our relationship.
I do know what I’m getting myself into. I know and I don’t care....

To you...

You matter to me, and one day I hope you realize that’s enough. That I’ll keep you afloat, I’ll keep you breathing, I’ll keep you unafraid.
You see all that is relevant is us. The rest we figure out along the way.
It’s simple really, I love. You love. We love.

Black Hole

2009-07-13T21:07:00.000-04:00

There is a void....that I cannot fill...no matter how much I drink, eat, sleep, work, pretend not to care..

I need to feel loved, and cared about -- and I only want one person to make me feel that way...

God dammit...

Black hole where my heart is once again...

Im joining a convent.... :S

Angel's caught in a web of lies....

2009-05-19T10:20:00.001-04:00

There comes a time in everyone’s life, where they realize that they have just been pushed too far…they realize that the people in their lives that they trusted, and laughed with, and smiled with and shared good times and intimate thoughts with…are the ones that are the first to look them in the eye…and lie.

At this exact moment, I’ve had two people in my life (just to name a few), that were of a certain importance - lie to me…and I caught them. Now – obviously, everyone lies…it’s human nature, I get that. But what I don’t understand is how you can lie TO someone, to their FACE and expect it all to blow over. Do I look like I’m naïve? Do I look like the type of person that would just take your bullshit, and your lies and walk away satisfied??…apparently I do…and sadly enough…that’s exactly what I have been doing for so long now. Walking away with the wool over my eyes…just convincing myself that I wouldn’t be surrounded by people that would be so bold to lie to me like that.

Then…I realized I was lying to MYSELF about the lies; convincing myself, that they weren’t lies, just pure coincidences, and that I needed to come to terms with the fact that everyone handles situations differently. If I would have dealt with something one way, and not the way that Person X dealt with it, I found myself giving them the benefit of the doubt, and telling myself that I needed to be more open to how people deal with situations. When in reality, they were just smug in the fact that I believed their far fetched lie…and it just snowballed from there. Lying because they couldn’t tell the truth because it wouldn’t make sense with the last lie they told…etc…

Now – if you are reading this, you know exactly who you are, and you are only the icing on this cake…and I only have one thing to say to you…was it worth it?? All I’ve ever asked for …all I’ve ever wanted was the truth. I trust anyone until you give me reason not to – and I didn’t want to believe that you couldn’t be trusted...I want to believe that everyone can be….but with each lie, and each passing day it gets harder and harder to trust anyone.

Whether you’re my best friend, co-worker, acquaintance, ex, whatever…there is a trust that I automatically have instilled in you…and sadly because of a select few (surprisingly men...lol) it’s not automatic anymore.

I will not assume that people are telling me the truth about tough subjects, I will not assume that when you say you are having fun you actually are, and I will 100% not assume that when you tell me your single…you are.

The lesson my friends, is that we live in a world of selfish people, who really don’t give a shit about you and your feelings…even when they say they do. Granted, there are a lot of great people out there, and those that you could trust with your life…but very few…and when you have one of them…you hold on to them for dear life.

Sadly, I’ve learned that after 24 yrs of friendships, and relationships, and pseudo-relationships (LOL) – the only person that you can trust is yourself…and even then it’s hard to trust what your mind says vs. what your heart feels. I’ve learned that if your heart wants it, its gonna hurt…and if your mind wants it...it might be boring (but safe).…and I know that I’m just waiting for the day that happy medium exists…where my mind TRUSTS my heart….but until then…

Angel will never send this...

2009-04-19T17:59:00.002-04:00

Below - is a letter I'll never send...because it means that I'll never be able to talk to him again...I wish I was stronger....

Hey

So..after pretty much two months of you avoiding hanging out with me - I get the clue. You make up every excuse in the book to not do something with me, and frankly I've been an idiot thinking that you're just a busy guy.

Im glad that you've found someone else to fill your time, but I want you to know that I don't understand what I've done wrong.
Instead of just saying to me - "I don't know what to say"...just tell me what happened...cause I hate feeling like an idiot for asking you to hang out...when I know that you're just going and spending your time with someone else....who is clearly more important. You're able to keep a weekly date with certain people but its impossible to come by and chill for one night.

You've bailed on me twice in instances where it meant the most to me, and instead decided to go shopping with Amanda and Tanya...which was one of the worst choices you could have made; making me not trust you...and proving that Karma is real.

Im glad you've found a girl that you can hang out; all the time, who doesn't end up with feelings for you - and I hope that its worth it...cause Im done asking you and being all fun and happy...you really hurt me - as a friend....you clearly need to look up the definition.

Im done your game XXXXXX, I can't do it anymore - cause clearly I don't mean anything to you - not even as a friend. You've gone ahead and made it into the same category as all those guys you used to warn me about....its really not a nice place to be. Im sorry that you're gonna miss this...cause Im pretty awesome ...friends or otherwise....I kinda thought you were different...but you managed to prove me right....maybe someday soon this could work...but until you realise that you can't treat people that way...and you can't just assume that what you did was 'right'....Im gone, as much as it hurts...and as much as I hate to say it --- I really do care about you...just don't think you'll ever care back unfortunately....and maybe when the time comes..it will be too late - and someone else will have realised how amazing I am...

Secretly...I hope that someone is you.

Good things come to Angel who waits....

2009-03-26T20:00:00.003-04:00

Why is it...

When you don't want anybody but him...everyone is at your disposal?

Why is it....

The only person I want to be with.....can't be with me until he finds out about a job...

Why is it ...

That I always let men test my patience, at the mere thought of that one word we all search for...

Why is it...

That Im such a sucker for love...

Oh I know --

Its because when you're IN love..its the greatest thing in the whole world...

But when you can't have it --- its the most frustrating and annoying feeling ever felt...

Tick tock tick tock...

Put Angels Fire out ......

2009-01-06T12:20:00.003-05:00

My firefighter summed up in two sentences, before going into details about our first date...

**Waiting to hear from a job in Ottawa where his ex gf lives, and he has a good chance of getting the job
**Super cute, big connection, feels fantastic spending time with him...and yet he is worried about if he is over his ex or not...and how he doesn't want to get into something with me, and then have to up and leave when he gets this job.

Ok so my date last night, was the most confusing, weird...whatever and I needed to talk to someone about it -- so you get that job.

We had a fantastic night in general..... we went to BP and watched the game, had good conversation....then got to the movie and it was good....and then half way through the movie, i just was like F*CK it and i turned to him and put my arm underneath his and like cuddled up to him....and I was like ...I don't like your rules lol

So then for the remainder of the evening we were like that ....then he was driving me home really slowly...and we were still talking and what not...and then conversation started in the car when he dropped me off and basically he asked me if i was ready for a relationship, and I said I am...and I know what I want....and he said that he wants too, but he's so confused with his feelings for his ex cause they never really 'broke' up cause they hated each other, but more so because of the distance etc...

We talked about what I want...where I am in my life, and where he is...and I said...Im at the point where I want that relationship, and I can see it happening with him.. he agreed that there was a connection there, and that he is worried that we would start something, and then he would still have feelings for his ex or have to move...and I just said, well I guess Im in the mindset that you don't know if you never try....and he kept saying "You're killing me here" lol and he was like, if I had known that you were going to come into my life like this, I would have turned down the Ottawa interview....and I was kinda shocked and he was like -- thats why this is so hard for me...

We talked about how I got over Wes, and how hard that was for me - just as a point of interested for him, and he asked me how I did it....and I was like honestly, I can say that I've been 'single' for the past two years, and since I started talking to him, have I not ONCE thought about my ex, and I told him that I think him coming into my life helped me get over him. I told him how no matter how nasty a break up is , that you will always love that first one no matter what, and I understand that and its just how you handle it, and the understanding from your significant other, that helps you get over them .....then I used some cheesy line like " You can never get over your ex, if you don't get under someone else" hahahahah lol Im a loser

I told him that I didn't think it was fair to me for the expectation on his part to be that if he doesn't get the job in ottawa that I would just be here waiting for him - I told him that I don't have anyone else in my life right now, and that hopefully if that happens, I would be around....but you never know..and he was like ...I've never not jumped on a chance like this before -- I've told my friends about you , I've told my dad about you - and they are all amazed at how happy I am since we've started talking - I said the same....and I just said that no matter what happens, we are still gonna be friends, and still talk ....cause I don't want that to end....

So then at like 120 I was like alright well Im sorry for putting you on the spot etc, I guess I just really like you and think you're great etc....and he was like and I feel the same, I guess I just don't know what to do. So I was like ok -- you have one last chance to end this night with a kiss...we just stared at each other, and I fist pumped him lol and was like have a good night.

Then I got inside and felt like a loser for putting him on the spot like that, so I txtd him and apologized about how even though I knew why he was doing what he was doing, how sometimes my emotions get the best of me...and he wrote back " I feel like an idiot actually" so I was like well you should a little lol ....but I said that in the future it would be his call, and Im not putting myself out there....and he wrote back " All night I had so much fun with you, and I was so happy when you made the move in the theatre.....and then in the car, that was very hard not to jump you, I hope you know that". I told him that im glad im doing something right lol

He said he was envious that I was so secure in what I wanted and I knew 100% --- he said that he knows there is a connection there...and he knows that we would have fun and be a fantastic couple ...but we can't be until all this stuff gets figured out....and then I changed the subject lol

So bottom line - we both want this to happen - he doesn't want to hurt me by moving to Ottawa, but he also doesn't know where things stand with his ex. I told him that by allowing feelings for me to come through, he was realising that he wasn't going to be with her, and that it might be time to move on. I dunno -- it sucks...it was really hard to just leave the car, I've never felt so rejected ....yet I know that he wants me.....its the weirdest thing

lol there is my little strory about last night... :P

2008-12-29T08:11:00.003-05:00

So every once and a while, a situation comes along that just seems too good too be true....and I usually doubt it. I usually think of every way possible that this couldn't be what was happeneing -- something must be wrong, or wires crossed or something....and then I find that my insecurities and my paranoia just usually ruin the situation...and c'est la vie.

So when Colin and I started talking more after I got back from Mexico, I just figured it was because ...well I dunno...we missed each other's friendship? Well -- we consumed ourselves with each other. The first person I talk to in the morning, and the last person I talk to at night....since I got back. He makes me laugh, we have fun together...all as friends. Until one of us starts drinking, and then the conversation makes that awkward turn; the "You're such a great friend, but I also want you to know that I would sleep with you if the opportunity arises" turn....and I had to start to think. I've always found him attractive, I mean for christs sakes he's a FIREFIGHTER...and what woman has not had those fantasies....men in uniform are SMOKIN! (no pun intended lol) Anyways -- he's single, attractive, we make each other laugh, we go to each other with advice...and we take each others advice...so maybe this could work -- maybe we could do this....is this what I've been waiting for? All those horrible dates, and funny stories for my girlfriends after the fact, have they all been leading up to a possible relationship with someone right under my nose??!

Grinch stole....my heart....

2008-12-24T20:54:00.000-05:00

My heart......hurts.

Angel from afar...

2008-11-29T22:33:00.002-05:00

So

I can't remember the last time I was on here...staring at a blank space WANTING to fill it with all my thoughts and words and emotions and EVERYTHING....

So here I sit, on a Saturday night -- staring and having the urge to write it all. Write everything down that has happened since god knows when...

Mostly -- my emotions are just up and down right now, and I don't even know where to start.

Someone I care about, alot -- and always will; had his life shattered when he lost his mother. She passed away, and I cried. Not because I was so close with her, but because of the pain that I knew he was feeling. Now, in no way was that time supposed to be about me, it was his time to grieve...but I found out about the funeral and the viewing and I went to pay my condolences...and I sat in the parking lot, gathering up the courage to go in and pay my respects...and I couldn't do it.
That was the weirdest feeing in the world, knowing that somone that I cared so much about at one time, was 100ft away from me and hurting -- and there was nothing that I could do to stop it.

Again -- its not about me, but I just felt so bad for him, and was so confused about the whole situation.
..and now Im absolutely terrified that he is lying to me about how he's doing.

I've been there, I've lied about "How Im doing" and told people I was fine, when I wasn't...because you think to yourself, that no one else wants to hear your stories, no one else wants to know that you cry....but its ok to tell people, its ok to get help...just please God...don't turn to your vices...don't turn to smoking, drinking, gambling etc...instead turn to your gf, your friends, even me for Christs Sakes...just don't be ashamed about it all.

Thats about it for tonight -- there is so much more..Im just wiped..

Stay tuned.. xo

Meh

2008-10-01T23:32:00.001-04:00

Its been a long time, and yet I still have nothing to say...

Nothing so significant that I want to sit here and spill my guts...

Nothing bad...nothing good...just meh

This blows...

Angel is alone....

2008-07-23T01:42:00.002-04:00

So..
...how is it, that one person can have the friends that I have, the job that I have, and the social network that I have...and still feel...

...utterly alone?

Im being replaced by relationships, and commitment, and partners, and love..

I always want the best for my friends, and I always want them to be happy, and it was only inevitable that their happiness would eventually fall into the hands of someone that they love...and they would leave their friendships, well maybe not leave, just put on hold ...and go to be with that person that makes them feel complete.

I remember how that felt. I miss that more than anything in the world right now.

Almost all of my best friends, are in relationships right now, and I can't stand it. And I hate that I can't stand it.
Like what is wrong with me!?
Why can't I just be so secure in my own being that I can be a strong, single woman, who doesn't need a man to make her feel whole.

Or maybe I do? Maybe I feel so lonely right now, and have felt lonely, that I revert to these serial dating binges that I go on...guy after guy, tease after tease, trying to feel wanted, and beautiful and sexy...and it may fill a void for a brief moment, but deep down...it doesn't even hit the surface.

Im losing friendships, best friendships...to men. Jac chooses him over me all the time..we used to drive road trips together, all sorts of stuff...and now, its just her and him and I get stuck with KP...someone who I can't really stand, nevermind for 3+ hrs...ALONE.

I'm jealous. I'll admit it...and I have no problem admitting it, I guess I just hate that I make myself so vulnerable with that statement, and then nothing happens on the other end of the friendship. I'm just supposed to accept the fact that they are all in relationships, so I need to give them their space...bull fucking shit.

I guess I do feel alone, and the only person that I want to fill that void, is a dumb fuck....

CHRIS. The Chris situation. He's with me, we have fun, we laugh, we fight, we make up etc...all of it in a friendship way...

When we are TOGETHER together, its the best connection I've had with someone in a LONG time, and I know that he feels it too, cause he mentions it....

But he is too fucking chicken shit to get out of his toxic relationship; and SHE is a huge bitch for using his daughter as blackmail.

Why do people do that?! I realize now that Wes got out of a toxic relationship with me...and I understand that he is now with someone who makes him 3948209348 times more happy then he could have ever been with me..and I UNDERSTAND that.

I feel horrible for making him jeopardize his happiness to be with me; don't get me wrong, I think that he sound have dealt with it in a different way other than cheating and abandonment...but still..I feel horrible.

I have one word for Chris's chicky......BLACKMAIL. I think we are all guilty of it...but man..this chick is a huge bitch for using a child as blackmail..

Anyways...its 2am...and I'm writing, which is never a good thing...well the time at least , writing helps me soothe my soul...but I'm gonna write something now that I wrote in a book while I was waiting for my Dr...( which always seems like an eternity)...

Short preface to it : I met a random woman sitting in the hospital, and my nose had started bleeding and I didn't realize it. She came up to me, handed me a tissue, and said " Here hun..you've got a little spot on your nose"...I was so embarrassed, and wondered...How long would I have been sitting here with that on my face if she hadn't said something? A complete stranger...and that got me thinking about friendship, and people we meet...and so this followed...

We meet people everyday. Most of them new in your life, some of them old friends. All of them make an impact upon us, big or small.

Now, try to follow me here. We tend to live our lives moment to moment, correct? Well, shouldn't we recognize those who enter into our lives even for a brief moment?

The way I see it, each moment brings a new opportunity. What we do with it defines who we are and how our lives look. But there is a fine line between who we are and what we are. Title and Testimony... I don't know why it hit me now, but I just feel like I need to say something.

We all live our lives, most of the time just walking through it not paying it any attention. Taking the opportunities and squandering them away, thinking that another one just like it will come along. Then there are those who take hold of those opportunities and use them, good or bad, and make something of them.

So where do you stand? Right now, look back upon your life and think upon it. What have you done and where are you going? Are people going to look at you and say "there is someone who just sat around all day" or will they say "there is someone who did something, who made a difference!"

There are all kinds of people in this world, it takes all of us to make it.

I hope that people can look at me and say "There goes a friend. Someone who stood by me when I needed her most, someone I could go to when I needed someone to listen."

So... What do you want? Where do you want to be? Where are you going?

I don't want you to look at this and be upset, like I am trying to tear you down. That isn't my intention, never has been and never will be. I'm just tired of seeing missed opportunities, mine or others, get passed by. Tired of looking at the downtrodden staring at their feet, feeling sorry for themselves. Tired of loved ones hurting themselves because they have noone to confide in, or to speak encouragement into them. And above it all... I'm just plain tired.

I want you to read this, look back on your lives, and then be honest with yourselves. Know that I write this out of love and genuine caring for all of you whom I call friends, and that you should use this to encourage yourselves to do good and great deeds. To care for those around you.

...Please don't be too long...

Angel feels .....

2008-07-12T03:23:00.001-04:00

I think its the worst feeling in the world....

When you want to scream in someone's face "I BEAT THIS"....yet you know that they don't care....

When you want to say to someone "I LOVE YOU"....and are so scared if they will say it back or not that you just refuse to even utter those words...

When you want life to be back to normal....and it just can't without your blessing...

Damn you.

2008-06-09T02:45:00.000-04:00

Its over...

Thank God.

Naive Angel

2008-05-09T01:40:00.003-04:00

So..

Based on my last post, I'm sure you can all figure it out...figure out what happened, and once again tell yourselves that I'm an idiot.

..you know what, maybe I am ...maybe I'm an idiot...maybe I let people into my life too quickly, trust them too quickly...want love too quickly...and will do anything, for it..

What the hell is wrong with me? What have I been doing this past year, with the men in my life? This stupid disease, this stupid, fucking disease....makes me feel inadequate I guess...makes me feel like I need to be loved no matter what...

No matter how many hands he lays on me....no matter how dishonest I am with him about my sickness, and how I just tell him I volunteer at the hospital when I go...that I'm not the one being tended too, and tests run...

Bruises are easy to explain, especially to the dr's...they expect it with my disease...and he's smart about it too...doesn't do anything too noticeable, anything too unexplainable..

And I'm the idiot that has resulted to this...instead of finding someone who loves me for me, and for my disease...I'm with someone who doesn't know about my disease, hasn't told me he loves me...and clearly doesn't with the way that he...well he tries to show it...

What is wrong with me?!?! Why am I continuing to keep this man in my life if he does this? What have I resulted too?!

I ask myself these questions everytime I get a phonecall from him...and everytime that he just takes it that ONE step further than he should...but apparently thats what I've been resulted to believe I deserve...

Its like he is two different people, and I never know what is going to set him off...he'll call me when he's done work, we will have dinner and watch some tv...and everything will be good...the next day, same situation..and I do one thing wrong and thats it...it's over...but then he switches in a matter of minutes to that wonderful side of him, that made me fall for him in the first place..

Am I really that naive that I don't get it? That I don't see why he is doing what he is doing? I somehow believe that this is a higher way of punishment for taking the route I have around my Cancer treatment? Is this what I get for being scared????

He holds me when Im down...even though he can be the reason that I'm down 80% of the time...
He calls me and tells me he misses me...even though I ignore him so I don't have to get hurt...
He makes me not think about what I did to deserve this disease, but what I did to deserve him and how he treats me...

He makes me bruise and hurt and cry....but helps me forget about my sickness and makes me feel real again...

I know, what type of rationality is this? What is this voice in my head? Feeding me reasons and excuses and all sorts of scenarios about how this will all change?

Oh right...its the same voice that tells me I can't be alone any longer...and just need someone to love me for me...torn and tattered...bruised and beaten...sick with cancer and just needing a hug...

It seems thats just too much too ask.....

dammit

Angel is ...

2008-04-13T14:39:00.003-04:00

So you trust someone and go out with them...have fun, good times, laughs....

Invite him into your home on numerous occasions and share intimate times...

Then one day...you are sitting around and feeling like crap..not really wanting to go out, so he goes out without you, gets hammered and comes home...you are happy to see him, cause you think that this could be the real thing..this could be someone that you share your secret with, who will care for you no matter what...

..and then he decides to smack you around...

..and your hopes and your dreams of a future with this man, as well as your ribs, are broken...

Angel has two sides today...

2008-03-14T23:39:00.003-04:00

This is me at 5:00pm today:

I don't know if the word I would use is 'surprised'....but I guess I am surprised, that you sunk so god damn low as to cheat on YOUR GIRLFRIEND who had Cancer....you swore to me, to my face, that you didn't cheat on me with her...

Its a moot point right now...but with everything that is going on....it just hit me where it hurts...made me think about the timeline of everything...and you lied and you cheated...

Its been a year since then....and I've changed alot...I've matured alot...and I've also died alot physically and emotionally...killing white blood cells, my liver etc....learning alot about myself, and trying to forgive you for hurting me...

We broke up over St Paddy's day weekend...and if it had been any other weekend, maybe I wouldn't remember it so vividly....but it had to be a holiday weekend...

I don't even know what to do right now, I don't know what position to put myself in...I don't know if I should hate you...or just let it go...I don't know if I should call you out on it...and demand an apology...or just leave it...

With everything that is going on in my life right now, this just added to the amazement that I have in regards to how people treat other people....and why we must be so mean and rude to people that we apparently love and respect for in order to be better people....and why Im always that person that people are mean and rude too....just so they can get ahead...I just don't understand...

This is me at 11:00pm today:

I have Cancer , and I loved you...and you left me to die...alone

Fuck you -- I hope you rot in hell with your ugly fat ass girlfriend by your side...u deserve each other.....and I don't know why you still continue to hurt me with your lies and your broken promises...

You don't care about anyone but yourself...always too busy...

Well -- the day of my funeral, I hope you are too busy for that too..cause Im sure you will have some sort of excuse that day....

You anger me more than Cancer....think about that....

I find it funny....

2008-03-14T12:20:00.002-04:00

...how I will be shacked up in a hospital bed this weekend, thinking about how one year ago YOU decided to leave me to deal with Cancer by myself....

...and yet you have decided to make the day that you abandoned me, your anniversary with her...how fucking disgusting is that...I hope you rot in hell...

I tried to take your attempt at caring to mean something...but it doesn't....you make me physically ill...

I don't understand why I even bother anymore...

No more tears...

2008-03-14T01:54:00.002-04:00

I don't know what I have done to deserve this....or any of anything negative or bad for that reason....

I really just want smooth sailing....to be loved....

I just need someone to lie with and hold me and tell me it will all be ok...

..no judgements...just plain old cancer-tastic me.

Im so tired....

..and I can't cry any more tears, please don't make me cry more tears....

Third times the charm for Angel...

2008-02-02T22:39:00.000-05:00

Surprisingly, the last little while, death and dying have been the LAST thing on my mind...

I mean, its still there, lingering...waiting for me...whether sooner or later, I will be meeting up with it...and I want to say that Im prepared, but I don't know if I can say that I am.

Recovering, travelling, thinking, surgery-ing...lol

I didn't have access to my computer while recovering, as I couldn't stay propped up for so long...so I did alot of writing...and as you all know from reading this ...writing is the one way for me to get my feelings out.

What you are about to read, is me...at my...well not worst, or best; but a different state of mind after one surgery. I have had my second, very minor, day surgery, and I came across this as I was writing again the other day. I feel like living with Cancer, can be a constant reminder that death is waiting around the corner, and it is terrifying. If we let that terror grab hold of us, it will choke us...and it will win.

The terror of death is so powerful that most human beings will do anything to avoid even thinking about it. Unless we’ve flatlined, seen the light, and lived to tell the tale, most of us can only speculate about what the actual journey entails. For years the thought of death made me physically ill. A spooky, jinxing paranoia grabbed my mind before it could wander into the void. At the time, I believed that worry was praying for what I don’t want, and since I didn’t want to die, I refused to think about it. What if the worry could bring it on? Yikes, creepy, no thanks! Better to smoosh the heebie-jeebies than to play roulette.

However, anything that we hide grows in strength. If you refuse to allow yourself to taste extra-dark chocolate, the curiosity will one day get the best of you. Eventually, the temptation to explore the door in the floor became too great and I had to open my mind to the darkness. By allowing my imagination to drift and wonder, a very cool possibility floated to the surface of my frontal lobe. What if death is just like leaving a room?

Picture this. You are at a party with your family and friends, and you are all really happy, eating crackers, and enjoying one another’s company. You are laughing, hugging, and whooping it up. After a while you leave the room to go into another part of the house. Although you are no longer you with your friends and family physically, you can still hear them. Maybe you can even make out exactly what they are saying. No doubt Uncle Buddy is telling a great joke and Grandpa Harry is advising your little sister to be careful.

You then open a different door to an area of the house even farther removed from the party. Now you can no longer hear your friends and family—but you know they are all still there, still in the house, still with you. Instead of hearing their laughter, you can now feel it. In fact, no matter where you go in the house, you feel their presence. You know that even though your physical relationship to them has changed, your energetic connection has not.

Your what-if visualizaton will probably be very different from mine. Perhaps religion or a spiritual practice has given you a comforting model of what to expect when your last breath is exhaled. If you feel secure enough to explore this space, I encourage you to do so. I promise that worrying is not praying for what you don’t want, and that the anxiety of the unknown can actually be more dangerous than a gentle fantasy.

I have no idea how the long dirt nap actually works, and to tell you the truth I don’t want to find out anytime soon! But this visualization really helps me in rocky times of fear and doubt. Remember, death is the end of the chapter, not the end of the book.

What helps you? Can you imagine death in a way that will give you peace rather than panic? If you can let go of the fear of death, what would your life look like? Picture it.

I look at my friends and family differently....I look at everyone differently, and I always wonder now, if I died tmrw, would they all know what I feel for them.

Would he know that everytime I see him, I just want to hug him and have him never let me go...

Would you know that Im sorry for putting you through all my crap, and that I wished it worked out for the better?

Would she know that Im sorry for what happened....it was never my intention to break hearts, and hurt you...Im sorry.

Would they all know, that I love them with all my heart and will miss them whether or not I go, or they go....I love them.

I love you all, and just hope you know that.

Do not be afraid of death, or dying....it will happen eventually, and the only way to accept it, is to realise that you have lived yourself a full and beautiful life.

My third surgery, is a nasty one...and prolly the one that Im most scared of. Recovery time is longer, and harder and am still hoping that you being around would be a welcome surprise....think about it.

Im scared, and going into this surgery is sure going to be a test of my will to life, and my purpose here on earth. This could be the final curtain call on two levels...for this Cancer, or for me...

When they say live each day as if its your last...they mean it.

You never know....

NYC....and more

2008-01-29T23:38:00.000-05:00

So...Im back! I went to NYC to forget about my troubles, and just relax....and I did. It was freaking amazing!!!I was so busy and had so much fun and did sooo much, yet I am so relaxed and revitalized.

I had so much fun, seeing the sights, and appreciating a city that I want to move to one day....and that one day just seems so far away right now.

My trips to the Dr's are starting to get a little monotoneous...like I mean...one minute Im in and everything is good and looking up, and the next .....nothing...or even worse.

I get the air pocket taken out, as well as some small, almost barely there growths....and then the Dr says to me today " you are recovering well, but you know that this doesn't mean the worst is over...its yet to come."

Ummm...YET TO COME...this has been 2 fucking years already, and here I am all revelling in my after trip glow and he says this...asshole....

I mean -- I know, I've sorta come to terms that Im going to live with this for the rest of my life...however long that might be...but I feel like there is something they aren't telling me...something Im missing...something they are omitting...

Im going to be travelling alot this year I think...I've kinda figured that none of this bullshit about me not being able to live my life...you only have one...and Im pretty much convinced that my dream of a white knight coming and sweeping me off my cancer ridden feet, and carrying me into the sunset --- isn't going to come true...so why not just appreciate me...as I am...Cancer and all...

I wish I could share it with someone...thats not a lie...but maybe soon...

Im hoping that I will be able to share an Alaskan cruise someday...someday soon...and know that if it never comes to that...i'll be waiting for ya beyond....we will go on that cruise....even over my dead body babe...

I hope all is well with everyone, and Im in a weird mood lately that I can't explain...maybe Im just fed-up with everything...and don't want to take it anymore...and Im just happy about it...not sad...but scareily (?) happy...

xoxo Love ya..

Recovery Angel..

2008-01-21T00:16:00.000-05:00

So...I have been doing nothing the last couple of days....just watching DVD's and expanding my knowledge of the Planet Earth.

I want that DVD set so much...I can't even explain it...I've been watching the first set, called "The Blue Planet"...and its absolutely amazing...a whole new eye opening experience....makes me appreciate life that much more...

Im watching the one on the Artic and the Antarctic Oceans....and let me tell you babe...I saw Aurora Borealis...and I need to go...I MUST go and experience that...so I'm hoping that I'm gonna get better...and soon...cause watching this DVD makde me want to travel that much more....I can't wait to watch the Planet Earth DVD...I'll prolly quit my job and just go travel the world!!!!!

Recovery is going well....it has to be...as I leave for NYC on THURSDAY!!! Yep!!! Thursday!!! I can't wait!!!! It sucks that Im going under these circumstances, but Im still sooooo excited :)
I'll be able to explore and do whatever I want....YAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAY!!!!

Still haven't talked to you in a week....so Im assuming that you are having a good time in Kingston...you haven't noticed yet, or sent any emails or anything....so Im glad that you are able to focus and not have me in your life...I feel like Im not a good thing in your life right now, and hopefully that will change...but with recovery and what not...who knows....

Honestly, I don't feel all that hot, but Im going to NYC no matter what!!!!!!!

One down...

2008-01-18T00:27:00.000-05:00

So, one down.....3 to go....

Im ok...still a little sore...but im ok...

Hope your week is going well away....Im sure you are kicking ass at your new job...you are always such a hard worker....and you deserve this...

As much as I didn't want to tell you about any of this...I kinda wished you were there...but everyone has their dreams...

xox Nite all xox

Timing is everything...

2008-01-14T01:45:00.000-05:00

So...its for the better that you're not going to be around when I have my surgery...I didn't plan it that way...your life and my life, just aren't meant to intertwine anymore...and maybe thats a good thing...

I wish you good luck with everything while you are away....and I only hope that you take all that you can from your new position and make the most of it...

Make the most of your life...the most of everything...

Cause although I am scared shitless....Im hoping that everything will work out...and if I don't make it out...or it doesn't go as planned...I know that timing is everything, and everything happens for a reason...

Im not going to tell you -- unless you read it on here, because I don't want you worrying about me while you are learning new things, and taking that next step to be happy...

It should all go well, and if it does...then its step #1 towards recovery....and towards that Alaskan Cruise ;) hahahah :)

Anyways --- thats all Im going to say for now...more later, during normal hours...dammit insomnia...its come back GRRRRR

Angel needs strength....

2008-01-07T02:25:00.000-05:00

Im having a bad beginning of the year...and I am going to need all the strength and courage that I can possibly get my hands on...I will look to these quotes and more for inspiration...

"Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.”

“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.”

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.”

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

“Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you.”

“People come into your life and people leave it... you just have to trust that life has a road mapped out for you.”