Angel hates fluff

I don't know if its me doubting myself, or the fact that everyone around me, has that companionship, has that 'something' that makes them smile..

..and the one person that makes me smile...I just can't have.
Not that I can't have him...just I'm scared to be honest with him...and in turn that puts distance between us. In geographical terms...so much distance, its like I'm here and he's standing on the fucking Wall of China.

Surprisingly, three years of being single, three years of being alone -- and I have never felt more empty than I do now...and its because of him..

I can't believe that I'M letting him get to me...and the worst part, is that he doesn't even know it ..
I can't let him know...
I have to put on this face, like it doesn't hurt me that we don't hang out, that we constantly talk 'fluff' with no meaning and it kills me cause I want it to be like it was...

FUCK

Honestly, I don't know what to do...

I can’t express myself well anymore.

I used to write, write, write. Now I can barely breathe (breathe, breathe).
It’s funny that I’ve written so many similar words of friends and foes, the lovers and the loveless, but I feel like anything I write about him won’t actually do him justice. It’s a pretty standard cliché but I don’t really care at this point. I guess all I can say comfortably is about me. About how I am with him.

Least of all, I am happy when I'm with him. Even happy isn’t the right word. There are problems. There are so many problems. But he's the first guy I’ve wanted to tell my family and friends about and not care what they say in return.
The first one I want to live with and love with as long as I am able to.
He's the first one who makes me squirm with pleasure and teem with rage.

I have felt all of these things before, I won’t deny that. I’ve had my share of lust and love and jealousy and hatred. But it’s never the same is it? That’s the point of love, even though the feelings may be described the same way they never truly are the same. Who would want love over and over, if the feelings got old?
Anyway the importance of this is diminishing, because I can’t explain it accurately- I’m trying though.

So you know that electric current that passes through you when someone you’re into looks at you, or smiles at you, or kisses you, etc? That current that we all get, all the times I’ve had it, just isn’t the same anymore. My hair still stands on end, yes, my knees still shake, my hands wring themselves, but it’s a strange, volatile progression that I’ve never known.

Like you’re using paddles to move my blood. It’s not the type of current that numbs me out, as most do, it’s the kind that makes the trees dance and the flame of my lighter stay lit. In the sly smiles and raised eyebrows I see through him and in turn see through me too. And he's still everything I've wanted...and more.

Even with the inevitable distance.
I still want the electrical storm that was our relationship.
I do know what I’m getting myself into. I know and I don’t care....

To you...

You matter to me, and one day I hope you realize that’s enough. That I’ll keep you afloat, I’ll keep you breathing, I’ll keep you unafraid.
You see all that is relevant is us. The rest we figure out along the way.
It’s simple really, I love. You love. We love.