So..
...how is it, that one person can have the friends that I have, the job that I have, and the social network that I have...and still feel...
...utterly alone?
Im being replaced by relationships, and commitment, and partners, and love..
I always want the best for my friends, and I always want them to be happy, and it was only inevitable that their happiness would eventually fall into the hands of someone that they love...and they would leave their friendships, well maybe not leave, just put on hold ...and go to be with that person that makes them feel complete.
I remember how that felt. I miss that more than anything in the world right now.
Almost all of my best friends, are in relationships right now, and I can't stand it. And I hate that I can't stand it.
Like what is wrong with me!?
Why can't I just be so secure in my own being that I can be a strong, single woman, who doesn't need a man to make her feel whole.
Or maybe I do? Maybe I feel so lonely right now, and have felt lonely, that I revert to these serial dating binges that I go on...guy after guy, tease after tease, trying to feel wanted, and beautiful and sexy...and it may fill a void for a brief moment, but deep down...it doesn't even hit the surface.
Im losing friendships, best friendships...to men. Jac chooses him over me all the time..we used to drive road trips together, all sorts of stuff...and now, its just her and him and I get stuck with KP...someone who I can't really stand, nevermind for 3+ hrs...ALONE.
I'm jealous. I'll admit it...and I have no problem admitting it, I guess I just hate that I make myself so vulnerable with that statement, and then nothing happens on the other end of the friendship. I'm just supposed to accept the fact that they are all in relationships, so I need to give them their space...bull fucking shit.
I guess I do feel alone, and the only person that I want to fill that void, is a dumb fuck....
CHRIS. The Chris situation. He's with me, we have fun, we laugh, we fight, we make up etc...all of it in a friendship way...
When we are TOGETHER together, its the best connection I've had with someone in a LONG time, and I know that he feels it too, cause he mentions it....
But he is too fucking chicken shit to get out of his toxic relationship; and SHE is a huge bitch for using his daughter as blackmail.
Why do people do that?! I realize now that Wes got out of a toxic relationship with me...and I understand that he is now with someone who makes him 3948209348 times more happy then he could have ever been with me..and I UNDERSTAND that.
I feel horrible for making him jeopardize his happiness to be with me; don't get me wrong, I think that he sound have dealt with it in a different way other than cheating and abandonment...but still..I feel horrible.
I have one word for Chris's chicky......BLACKMAIL. I think we are all guilty of it...but man..this chick is a huge bitch for using a child as blackmail..
Anyways...its 2am...and I'm writing, which is never a good thing...well the time at least , writing helps me soothe my soul...but I'm gonna write something now that I wrote in a book while I was waiting for my Dr...( which always seems like an eternity)...
Short preface to it : I met a random woman sitting in the hospital, and my nose had started bleeding and I didn't realize it. She came up to me, handed me a tissue, and said " Here hun..you've got a little spot on your nose"...I was so embarrassed, and wondered...How long would I have been sitting here with that on my face if she hadn't said something? A complete stranger...and that got me thinking about friendship, and people we meet...and so this followed...
We meet people everyday. Most of them new in your life, some of them old friends. All of them make an impact upon us, big or small.
Now, try to follow me here. We tend to live our lives moment to moment, correct? Well, shouldn't we recognize those who enter into our lives even for a brief moment?
The way I see it, each moment brings a new opportunity. What we do with it defines who we are and how our lives look. But there is a fine line between who we are and what we are. Title and Testimony... I don't know why it hit me now, but I just feel like I need to say something.
We all live our lives, most of the time just walking through it not paying it any attention. Taking the opportunities and squandering them away, thinking that another one just like it will come along. Then there are those who take hold of those opportunities and use them, good or bad, and make something of them.
So where do you stand? Right now, look back upon your life and think upon it. What have you done and where are you going? Are people going to look at you and say "there is someone who just sat around all day" or will they say "there is someone who did something, who made a difference!"
There are all kinds of people in this world, it takes all of us to make it.
I hope that people can look at me and say "There goes a friend. Someone who stood by me when I needed her most, someone I could go to when I needed someone to listen."
So... What do you want? Where do you want to be? Where are you going?
I don't want you to look at this and be upset, like I am trying to tear you down. That isn't my intention, never has been and never will be. I'm just tired of seeing missed opportunities, mine or others, get passed by. Tired of looking at the downtrodden staring at their feet, feeling sorry for themselves. Tired of loved ones hurting themselves because they have noone to confide in, or to speak encouragement into them. And above it all... I'm just plain tired.
I want you to read this, look back on your lives, and then be honest with yourselves. Know that I write this out of love and genuine caring for all of you whom I call friends, and that you should use this to encourage yourselves to do good and great deeds. To care for those around you.
...Please don't be too long...
