So..
Based on my last post, I'm sure you can all figure it out...figure out what happened, and once again tell yourselves that I'm an idiot.
..you know what, maybe I am ...maybe I'm an idiot...maybe I let people into my life too quickly, trust them too quickly...want love too quickly...and will do anything, for it..
What the hell is wrong with me? What have I been doing this past year, with the men in my life? This stupid disease, this stupid, fucking disease....makes me feel inadequate I guess...makes me feel like I need to be loved no matter what...
No matter how many hands he lays on me....no matter how dishonest I am with him about my sickness, and how I just tell him I volunteer at the hospital when I go...that I'm not the one being tended too, and tests run...
Bruises are easy to explain, especially to the dr's...they expect it with my disease...and he's smart about it too...doesn't do anything too noticeable, anything too unexplainable..
And I'm the idiot that has resulted to this...instead of finding someone who loves me for me, and for my disease...I'm with someone who doesn't know about my disease, hasn't told me he loves me...and clearly doesn't with the way that he...well he tries to show it...
What is wrong with me?!?! Why am I continuing to keep this man in my life if he does this? What have I resulted too?!
I ask myself these questions everytime I get a phonecall from him...and everytime that he just takes it that ONE step further than he should...but apparently thats what I've been resulted to believe I deserve...
Its like he is two different people, and I never know what is going to set him off...he'll call me when he's done work, we will have dinner and watch some tv...and everything will be good...the next day, same situation..and I do one thing wrong and thats it...it's over...but then he switches in a matter of minutes to that wonderful side of him, that made me fall for him in the first place..
Am I really that naive that I don't get it? That I don't see why he is doing what he is doing? I somehow believe that this is a higher way of punishment for taking the route I have around my Cancer treatment? Is this what I get for being scared????
He holds me when Im down...even though he can be the reason that I'm down 80% of the time...
He calls me and tells me he misses me...even though I ignore him so I don't have to get hurt...
He makes me not think about what I did to deserve this disease, but what I did to deserve him and how he treats me...
He makes me bruise and hurt and cry....but helps me forget about my sickness and makes me feel real again...
I know, what type of rationality is this? What is this voice in my head? Feeding me reasons and excuses and all sorts of scenarios about how this will all change?
Oh right...its the same voice that tells me I can't be alone any longer...and just need someone to love me for me...torn and tattered...bruised and beaten...sick with cancer and just needing a hug...
It seems thats just too much too ask.....
dammit
