Surprisingly, the last little while, death and dying have been the LAST thing on my mind...
I mean, its still there, lingering...waiting for me...whether sooner or later, I will be meeting up with it...and I want to say that Im prepared, but I don't know if I can say that I am.
Recovering, travelling, thinking, surgery-ing...lol
I didn't have access to my computer while recovering, as I couldn't stay propped up for so long...so I did alot of writing...and as you all know from reading this ...writing is the one way for me to get my feelings out.
What you are about to read, is me...at my...well not worst, or best; but a different state of mind after one surgery. I have had my second, very minor, day surgery, and I came across this as I was writing again the other day. I feel like living with Cancer, can be a constant reminder that death is waiting around the corner, and it is terrifying. If we let that terror grab hold of us, it will choke us...and it will win.
The terror of death is so powerful that most human beings will do anything to avoid even thinking about it. Unless we’ve flatlined, seen the light, and lived to tell the tale, most of us can only speculate about what the actual journey entails. For years the thought of death made me physically ill. A spooky, jinxing paranoia grabbed my mind before it could wander into the void. At the time, I believed that worry was praying for what I don’t want, and since I didn’t want to die, I refused to think about it. What if the worry could bring it on? Yikes, creepy, no thanks! Better to smoosh the heebie-jeebies than to play roulette.
However, anything that we hide grows in strength. If you refuse to allow yourself to taste extra-dark chocolate, the curiosity will one day get the best of you. Eventually, the temptation to explore the door in the floor became too great and I had to open my mind to the darkness. By allowing my imagination to drift and wonder, a very cool possibility floated to the surface of my frontal lobe. What if death is just like leaving a room?
Picture this. You are at a party with your family and friends, and you are all really happy, eating crackers, and enjoying one another’s company. You are laughing, hugging, and whooping it up. After a while you leave the room to go into another part of the house. Although you are no longer you with your friends and family physically, you can still hear them. Maybe you can even make out exactly what they are saying. No doubt Uncle Buddy is telling a great joke and Grandpa Harry is advising your little sister to be careful.
You then open a different door to an area of the house even farther removed from the party. Now you can no longer hear your friends and family—but you know they are all still there, still in the house, still with you. Instead of hearing their laughter, you can now feel it. In fact, no matter where you go in the house, you feel their presence. You know that even though your physical relationship to them has changed, your energetic connection has not.
Your what-if visualizaton will probably be very different from mine. Perhaps religion or a spiritual practice has given you a comforting model of what to expect when your last breath is exhaled. If you feel secure enough to explore this space, I encourage you to do so. I promise that worrying is not praying for what you don’t want, and that the anxiety of the unknown can actually be more dangerous than a gentle fantasy.
I have no idea how the long dirt nap actually works, and to tell you the truth I don’t want to find out anytime soon! But this visualization really helps me in rocky times of fear and doubt. Remember, death is the end of the chapter, not the end of the book.
What helps you? Can you imagine death in a way that will give you peace rather than panic? If you can let go of the fear of death, what would your life look like? Picture it.
I look at my friends and family differently....I look at everyone differently, and I always wonder now, if I died tmrw, would they all know what I feel for them.
Would he know that everytime I see him, I just want to hug him and have him never let me go...
Would you know that Im sorry for putting you through all my crap, and that I wished it worked out for the better?
Would she know that Im sorry for what happened....it was never my intention to break hearts, and hurt you...Im sorry.
Would they all know, that I love them with all my heart and will miss them whether or not I go, or they go....I love them.
I love you all, and just hope you know that.
Do not be afraid of death, or dying....it will happen eventually, and the only way to accept it, is to realise that you have lived yourself a full and beautiful life.
My third surgery, is a nasty one...and prolly the one that Im most scared of. Recovery time is longer, and harder and am still hoping that you being around would be a welcome surprise....think about it.
Im scared, and going into this surgery is sure going to be a test of my will to life, and my purpose here on earth. This could be the final curtain call on two levels...for this Cancer, or for me...
When they say live each day as if its your last...they mean it.
You never know....
