NYC....and more

So...Im back! I went to NYC to forget about my troubles, and just relax....and I did. It was freaking amazing!!!I was so busy and had so much fun and did sooo much, yet I am so relaxed and revitalized.

I had so much fun, seeing the sights, and appreciating a city that I want to move to one day....and that one day just seems so far away right now.

My trips to the Dr's are starting to get a little monotoneous...like I mean...one minute Im in and everything is good and looking up, and the next .....nothing...or even worse.

I get the air pocket taken out, as well as some small, almost barely there growths....and then the Dr says to me today " you are recovering well, but you know that this doesn't mean the worst is over...its yet to come."

Ummm...YET TO COME...this has been 2 fucking years already, and here I am all revelling in my after trip glow and he says this...asshole....

I mean -- I know, I've sorta come to terms that Im going to live with this for the rest of my life...however long that might be...but I feel like there is something they aren't telling me...something Im missing...something they are omitting...

Im going to be travelling alot this year I think...I've kinda figured that none of this bullshit about me not being able to live my life...you only have one...and Im pretty much convinced that my dream of a white knight coming and sweeping me off my cancer ridden feet, and carrying me into the sunset --- isn't going to come true...so why not just appreciate me...as I am...Cancer and all...

I wish I could share it with someone...thats not a lie...but maybe soon...

Im hoping that I will be able to share an Alaskan cruise someday...someday soon...and know that if it never comes to that...i'll be waiting for ya beyond....we will go on that cruise....even over my dead body babe...

I hope all is well with everyone, and Im in a weird mood lately that I can't explain...maybe Im just fed-up with everything...and don't want to take it anymore...and Im just happy about it...not sad...but scareily (?) happy...

xoxo Love ya..

Recovery Angel..

So...I have been doing nothing the last couple of days....just watching DVD's and expanding my knowledge of the Planet Earth.

I want that DVD set so much...I can't even explain it...I've been watching the first set, called "The Blue Planet"...and its absolutely amazing...a whole new eye opening experience....makes me appreciate life that much more...

Im watching the one on the Artic and the Antarctic Oceans....and let me tell you babe...I saw Aurora Borealis...and I need to go...I MUST go and experience that...so I'm hoping that I'm gonna get better...and soon...cause watching this DVD makde me want to travel that much more....I can't wait to watch the Planet Earth DVD...I'll prolly quit my job and just go travel the world!!!!!

Recovery is going well....it has to be...as I leave for NYC on THURSDAY!!! Yep!!! Thursday!!! I can't wait!!!! It sucks that Im going under these circumstances, but Im still sooooo excited :)
I'll be able to explore and do whatever I want....YAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAY!!!!


Still haven't talked to you in a week....so Im assuming that you are having a good time in Kingston...you haven't noticed yet, or sent any emails or anything....so Im glad that you are able to focus and not have me in your life...I feel like Im not a good thing in your life right now, and hopefully that will change...but with recovery and what not...who knows....

Honestly, I don't feel all that hot, but Im going to NYC no matter what!!!!!!!

One down...

So, one down.....3 to go....

Im ok...still a little sore...but im ok...

Hope your week is going well away....Im sure you are kicking ass at your new job...you are always such a hard worker....and you deserve this...

As much as I didn't want to tell you about any of this...I kinda wished you were there...but everyone has their dreams...

xox Nite all xox

Timing is everything...

So...its for the better that you're not going to be around when I have my surgery...I didn't plan it that way...your life and my life, just aren't meant to intertwine anymore...and maybe thats a good thing...

I wish you good luck with everything while you are away....and I only hope that you take all that you can from your new position and make the most of it...

Make the most of your life...the most of everything...

Cause although I am scared shitless....Im hoping that everything will work out...and if I don't make it out...or it doesn't go as planned...I know that timing is everything, and everything happens for a reason...

Im not going to tell you -- unless you read it on here, because I don't want you worrying about me while you are learning new things, and taking that next step to be happy...

It should all go well, and if it does...then its step #1 towards recovery....and towards that Alaskan Cruise ;) hahahah :)

Anyways --- thats all Im going to say for now...more later, during normal hours...dammit insomnia...its come back GRRRRR

Angel needs strength....

Im having a bad beginning of the year...and I am going to need all the strength and courage that I can possibly get my hands on...I will look to these quotes and more for inspiration...





"Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.”


“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.”

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.”

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”


“Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you.”

“People come into your life and people leave it... you just have to trust that life has a road mapped out for you.”

New Year....New Angel

Happy New Year everyone!!!!!!

Well well well...As we are all recovering from our nights last night, I'm sure we are all reflecting on the past year, either with friends, or in our heads..thinking about what 2008 holds for all of us....

I've been thinking about New Years since the start of the Christmas holidays, and its just such a significant part of my life, and I don't know why. Maybe, its the start of new beginnings, and almost a new me every year...but to be honest, I am so glad that this year is over.

This has been the most stressful, and depressing year I have had to date, and I cannot wait to start fresh.

I had been thinking about this post since yesterday on the way to Toronto, and trying to think of something inspiring to say, something that I will be able to look back on in one year, and say -- wow, I was right! lol so far I've got nothing haha

But...I did check my post from last year, to see what I predicted, what I said and what mood I was in...it was interesting...


" Tuesday, January 02, 2007 Year of the Angel


So ..its the time of year where we all reflect upon the past year and try to better ourselves and decide how this next year is going to turn out.

I'm hoping that this next year, will only bring good things and happy times for me and all those in my life.

I spent the New Years at work, and then went to Wes's to join an already happening party...

It was fun..but my night was not complete until my New Years Eve kiss with Wes in Vancouver time...it was cute :)

I know that you read this, and I'm pretty sure that you know how I feel about you. But I honestly am 100% sure, that I could spend the rest of my life with Wes. I have been thinking about it allot, with this whole cancer thing, and thinking about life and the hands that it deals you...and I've come to the conclusion...

..this past year has been the hardest I've yet to face...I wouldn't be able to do it without Wes in my life...he is my angel...my rock...and I love him more than anyone or anything I ever will...

Scary eh? I know you are scared as you are reading this...and I want you to know that I'm not pressuring you into ANYTHING at all...just letting you know, that anything you want, I'm pretty sure I will want too...so...I dunno what I want...I don't know why I'm writing this...I just ...

I love you so much...and I hope that I am lucky enough to have you in my life for many more years to come.

My new years resolution...

...Be a Better person, physically and emotionally
...Beat this...physically and emotionally..lol

...and finally just to love everyone in my life more than ever...let everyone know that they are special to me, and do whatever I can to make every one's life as easy as possible...


P.S LEAFS GAME WAS FUCKING AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "


Yeah -- I know. What a wonderfully horribly completely WRONG post...but I mean I was a different person back then...

I do have to say, I was tearing up last night at the stroke of midnight, realising what I left behind me in 2007, and what could be waiting for me 2008. I didn't have a New Years kiss...and It hurt alot...but I quickly regained my composure, realised I looked fucking amazing, and continued with the partying...

Even though it has only been a year, its been a year full of eye-opening opportunities and soul testing events...





1) Breaking up with Wes

This had to have been the most gut-wrenching emotional experience that I have ever been through. I was in a fog for weeks, couldn't eat, didn't want to do anything. Tried to wrap my head around what I did wrong. Having a long distance relationship with him for 4 yrs, and then 3 days till when he moves 30 seconds away from me, he breaks up with me..already with my replacement. I dealt with the heart break and am still dealing with it, surprisingly...

In breaking up with him, I found myself, and realised that you can't trust anyone. I trusted him with my life, and everything....and then he just...breaks that. I love him, yes, always will...I shouldn't...but I do...

I think the worst part, is that he demanded we be friends, stay friends and he will help me through the treatments and be there for me...he has NEVER kept his word. I have lost my best friend...and instead of him being a help to me through all of this....he was the one that I cursed while I was taxi'ing it back from chemo, or being sick for days on end. He was supposed to be there for me, holding my hair...rubbing my back...ready to cuddle up with me and hold me telling me it was all going to be OK...

I don't even have his friendship anymore. And that hurts...allot

If someone can hurt someone that they apparently 'love' that much...they don't really love them. I think the worst part, was that I was dealing with all my treatments, my first round of chemo.....all by myself.


Which leads me into my next point...

2) Dealing with Cancer

Two New Years have passed and I still have this thing. This disease....and I'm going to have it until the day that I die...I'm OK with that.

OK -- that's a lie. I'm not OK with that, but I tell myself that so that I can deal with the emotional outbursts I feel, worried about how long I have, and what I need to do in order to live my life to the fullest.

I had chemo -- did it all by myself. The hardest thing I have ever had to do. I watched my friend succumb to her illness, and scared me shitless....

I went to every treatment, and every Dr's appointment on my own - because frankly I don't trust anyone. I had a bone marrow test, which hurt like hell...I don't recommend it at all...by myself. I had minor surgery in my leg, and took a cab home, cause I don't trust anyone.

I got tests back -- dealt with the results...by myself.

I told one person that I was sick...and he ran like you did..with his tail between his legs, not knowing how to deal with it. Just a word of advice...I was more scared than any of you have been, and have to face this thing head on...its NOT OK for you to run away cause you are scared. Think about me and what I am doing. The battle I am facing....your support and care means the most to me...stand beside me, not behind me or from a distance. Help me deal with this -- and win.

I stopped treatments, cause I was told that there really is nothing that is happening right now. Everything is just dormant. Too many tumors to operate, so its a waiting game. A waiting game that consists of me feeling like I've been hit by a bus...twice a week (at the minimum), lying to work about just 'being tired' that's why I look like hell.

To cap off the end of an already spectacular year...I got some x-rays back, and I have more...in my lungs and chest.

Yup -- I have had cysts from the chemo there...but they were dead, not alive...and eventually left. And now, I have two tumors...in my good lung...just sitting there, making it hard for me to breathe...and god knows what else. I haven't told anyone...once again the whole trust issue comes into play, so I think I'm just gonna leave it. Or you all will read this, and get mad at me for not telling you lol...so I think I will just let you react as you wish.

Right now, I'm trying to decide what to do. I can live with the other tumors, its just a waiting game right now, but the ones in my lungs are constricting my air...and I can't breathe. I metaphorically couldn't breathe with all this emotional news...now I actually can't. I have to make those decisions for myself...

Maybe if you were still my friend we could talk about this....it would help me allot...but I know you have your reasons...I just don't think they are good enough...

3) Men...in general

I also changed as a woman this past year, with a "Fuck it, you only live once" attitude. It has made me meet and get to know some amazing men who are in my life right now, and have shown me that I am beautiful, and sexy and gorgeous...even at my worst. Ron was the only one that knew about my Cancer...and this fight. I didn't elaborate, because after 6mths of 'seeing' each other, he ran away when I told him...as fast as he could...home to his gf, and their newborn baby girl.

I'm a horrible person.

Ron made me cherish myself, and realise that I am amazing, and deserve only the best. He just didn't feel like he could give that to me, seeing as how he had already made a commitment to her...with their child and everything lol

He told me he loved me, and looked into my eyes and told me he wanted to be with me...and all I could do was think about how he was going to hurt me...and I couldn't trust him.

I told him the truth about being sick, and that was his excuse for running back home. Leaving me to deal with everything alone...what a surprise.

I have only been able to attract guys with girlfriends, or wives, or families and its frustrating. Maybe I won't be getting someone of my own until I beat this Cancer, and can look it in the eye and say " Fuck you".

I have definitely learned a few tips for dating the last little while, and I sure as hell don't like it...lol its so stressful!!! hahah


Anyways -- 2008 is going to be full of new beginnings, new people, news on the health front I hope, and me going forward with my chin up, and head held high ...ready for whats next...cause frankly, after the emotional rollercoster i have been on this year, I am ready for anything you can throw at me...I hope

Happy New Year everyone!! Love you will all my heart!!!

xoxoxo