Because I'm an Angel....

Leave her cute text messages.
Kiss her in front of your friends.
Trust her over everyone else.
Tell her she looks beautiful.
Look her in the eye when you talk to her.
Tell her stupid jokes to make her laugh.
Let her mess with your hair.
Mess with HER hair.
Just walk around with her.
Include her in most things you do.
When she cries do whatever to make her smile.
Forgive her for her mistakes.
Look at her like she's the only girl you see.
Tickle her even if she says stop.
Hold her hand even when you are around your friends.
When she starts swearing at you tell her you love her.
Let her fall asleep in your arms.
Get her mad, then kiss her.
Tease her and let her tease you back.
Stay up with her all night when she's sick.
Watch her favorite movie.
KiSS HER FOREHEAD.
Give her the world.
Let her wear your clothes.
When she's sad, hang out with her.
Let her know she is important.
Let her take all the photos of you she wants.
Kiss her in the rain.
And when you fall in love with her, tell her.
And when you do tell her.. Love her like you never loved before.

Angel feels really bad...

So admist all this crap that I have dealt with in the last year or so...I have managed to become a selfish person...a person who doesn't care about other peoples feelings, and who was used to being so selfless and do everything for everyone...I have turned into a person...who has ruined lives....

I have Cancer...yes...and it has ruined my life...showed me the true side of everyone, including myself...and I realised..that I can be selfish

With Wes...I was selfish because I didn't want to deal with all of this on my own, and because I had given so much of me...all of me to him...and he just threw it away to go be with someone else...that was better than me. I didn't want to believe it, I didn't want him to be ok with abandoning me in a time when no one should be alone...and I did everything I could to make him love me, make him see me again with love...and it didn't work...

Then...an opportunity arises, with someone that I care about and might even love...and I take it...regardless of his situation. I know that I needed someone in my life that could make me smile again, and make me feel beautiful and sexy and important....I couldn't remember the last time I felt like that...and I loved it..and wanted it all the time.

He always had time for me...complimented me, and made me feel important. The sex was amazing and he was just so helpful with me through my treatments, and my decisions in regards to fighting this disease, that it made me appreciate him so much more....and then he told me that he loved me...and I didn't know what to say...could this actually be happening??? Could I, the one with Cancer, be loveable again? Could someone want to spend the rest of their life with me??? Yes...it is possible I realised...but not with him...not because I don't feel the same way...but his girlfriend and his unborn baby may think a little differently.

Yup - thats right ppl....gf and unborn baby. Now you must be saying to yourself...what a bastard!!! Lying about all this to you -- telling you he loved you and you being so innocent and caught up in all of this....

Well..retract your thoughts friends, cause I knew from day one what the situation was....and I still continued doing the nasty...and meeting up...and having rendevous...and late night calls and flirting...and why did I continue this??? Why would someone subject herself to this ?????

Well -- my answer is simple....I was looking out for myself for once. I wasn't caring about anyone else and their feelings...I was doing what was good for me....and it backfired...and Im an idiot. It was such a good idea at the time...it was so perfect....and I knew that it wasn't going to last....but it did...for 6mths...and it was great...

...and then he saved his MSN conversations, and she read them....and so started today....

Which left me feeling like a homewrecker, and I know its not my fault...I know I didn't do anything wrong, Im a single girl, who has a life altering and threatening disease, and I was trying new things...and seeing how life actually was, and I got so wrapped up in the magic of it all, that my morals and my common sense left me thinking something was ...and it wasn't.

So now -- Im sure he is never going to be allowed to talk to me outside of work...even though I just talked to him and he says he still wants to be friends...but its over...like...I suck.

Why do I fall for the people that just end up hurting me???? What the hell is my deal???

In other news......................

Im living my life every minute to the fullest, and trying not to regret my past, or any thing I say or do.....

....and Im left alone....again....when all I want is for someone to keep me safe while I sleep...

Fuck.

Droplets

I'm leaving you
I'm not sure if that’s what I should do
It hurts so bad
I'm wanting you but cant go back
Trying to find, to find
That all elusive piece of mind
Stuck here somehow
Shrouded beneath my fear
And now I don’t need it

Cuz I'm walkin down this road alone and figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you my love
And my head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away and I'm just waiting for
The droplets, droplets

You left a mark
I wear it proudly on my chest
Above my heart Above my heart
To Remind me that I feel the best
When I'm with you
When I'm with you
To me everything is effortless
You know its true
My eyes are painted with regret and I don’t need it

Cuz I'm walkin down this road alone and figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you my love
And my head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away and I'm just waiting to fall and sink into your tears

You are like the raindrops, the raindrops falling down on me

You left a mark you left a mark
She left a mark he left
She left he left
And I don’t I don’t
Need it. Need it