Angel has been unblocked....and this is what happens...

So..

Everyone in my life right now..is happy and settling down. All of my friends from work are in relationships, buying houses, having children etc. Im not.

I feel that even if Wes and I stayed together, I still wouldn't be doing any of this stuff, because of the Cancer...but I guess things happen for a reason then. Looking at Sherriff's baby, and then Nathan is due soon as well, I realise that I want that...and I miss relationships, and saying "I love you" every night to someone. I miss being able to sleep next to someone and be held all night long; knowing that it is going to be ok.

I miss feeling protected, and loved, and cared for.

Now -- if you are reading this, you can stop thinking this another ploy/confession of how much I love you. Because to be honest -- I don't. Everytime I talk to you/think about you/become aware of your relationship with that horrible person, I get so angry it makes me cry.

Im not over you, and I won't be over you until I have someone else in my life who cares even slightly more than you do about me ( which, to be honest shouldn't be too hard). But, seeing pictures, and knowing that your Gf doesn't trust you so much so, that she needs to unblock me on Facebook, just to be able to snoop....is fucking ridiculous. I was fine knowing you were in a relationship, I didn't want to know the details...but I was dealing with it.

Now -- a constant reminder of her is around any time I want to contact you.

I guess the main reason I am so angry -- is because its not fair that YOU ARE HAPPY. You went from me caring/loving you more than humanly possible, straight into the arms of someone else.

I went from you not caring about me or my Cancer, abandoning me in my time of need...to nothing.

You do not deserve to be happy, because you are a horrible person. You abandoned a person with Cancer, someone whom you apparently love and care about. You sit at a distance now, asking how I am..and If Im ok...but you don't give two shits about it.

You are a selfish prick and you and your horrible GF ( who told me I should die) deserve to be together.

I thought I knew you, and I would always categorize you to be a wonderful caring person, but I realise now, that you aren't and never will be a nice person.

Cancer is not something to fuck around with, I have learned that...and the amount of times that I have tried to wrap my head around your logic for abandoning me is countless...

Still -- to this day, when Im sick or need someone to help me...you still pop into my head ...and then I quickly shake you out, because I realise that any help you give me is fake...

You have hurt me more than this Cancer has...and I trust no one now....Im afraid of getting close to people ...I've changed how I view the world.

...and its all your fault.

I don't know how you two keep your relationship together, but then again, it makes sense that two people who care about their own interests more than anything else are meant for each other I guess.

I hope one day, either looking at a picture of me, or just a random memory....you will be able to finally realise what you have done...that you made a battle with Cancer, 100 times harder than it needed to be....

You have broken me...and the pieces were being picked up through Chemo, and Radiation and while lying in the bathroom being deathly ill...

Its taking a long time, but they will all be picked up.

The worst part about it...is that final piece I need to be whole again is tucked away in your pocket, ready for you bring it out on a rainy day and taunt me with it...

I just hope that I heal before that day...cause god only knows what the future holds...

Angel has 90 days....and then..... ????

So I guess the worst part about me right now....is that I am so utterly alone. Now, Im not saying that for pity, or for anyone to go 'awww'...but saying it, because..well I need to accept it.

I wear this mask everyday, and smile and laugh and pretend that I am strong and don't need anyone....but I do...I do need someone....

I have been alone for three days now...seeing my friends at night...and having a shitty time, cause I am angry at myself....angry at myself for not being a good person to you.

I spent 4 yrs of my life with you...and there was so many things that I wanted to experience with you, and so many things that I was looking forward too....

Yes..its been almost 8mths...and Im happy that you are happy, and Im happy that you have someone who loves you like I did...possibly more...

But I miss having someone to call at night, someone to talk to when Im in need of bouncing stuff off someone...and I can't to any of my boys, cause they all have their own shit that they are dealing with...

Talked to my Grandma last night, and I never told her that you and I had broke up, thats how long its been since we have had a big conversation, and the first thing she said to me, was how is your handsome boyfriend....

Yes -- you were handsome...we looked good together you and I...and I still have that picture from the wedding...Im sure you have deleted, thrown out...done whatever with it...

I don't know if I miss you as much as I miss the companionship, the notion that someone can't wait to talk to me...someone loves me...I guess I miss that more...or that is what Im going to tell myself...

I told you I was in a relationship, that I had someone else...and I lied...I lied because I thought it would make you more comfortable talking to me...I dont...the closest thing I have is someone who wants to be with me, but not enough to break up with his gf...Im sure you know a thing or two about that...

I guess the thing that Im worried about moreso...is that you will forget the 4 yrs we had together...you will forget all the fun times...and I hope you forget all the bad times cause frankly Im embarassed about it...Im embarassed, and perhaps you did bring out the bad things in me...and surpressed the real me because I was worried that the real me you wouldn't love...who knows?!?!? Who knows the explanation for why Im happier on the outside now, and Im smiling more, and Im myself. Maybe its this Cancer...maybe its the thought that I don't know when my time is up, and I can't sit around and mope and be upset ....in the fear that my last tears are going to be ones of self-pity rather than joy.

I find myself reminiscing more now, and I don't know why....but I remember this one time, and you prolly won't...but we went for a walk along the grand...just you and I...it was like in September or something...the leaves were really pretty and it was just you and I walking and talking....and for some reason...I want to do that....forever. If my heaven is just walking along a beautiful river, with beautiful trees in the fall colours...I will be ok with that....and that scares me too...

This whole thing scares me...and I don't know what to do. I mean I talk about it, and think about it...and try not to think about it , all at the same time....

...you were my first love, and could possibly be my last, and you need to know that I respect you for what you did..I made you miserable, and you were unhappy, and you found someone that you could leave a more normal life with...and I only wish you the best...but my heart does still hurt...and its going to hurt for a while.

I don't trust anyone right now....not a single soul...and I need to get over that...I need to be able to tell everyone everything...Im not leaving here with things unsaid, or feelings unknown...its not happening...I have too much to give ,and too much to share...

Bottom line -- when Im alone, and Im lying in bed thinking about what the future holds for me...I get a little angry that you aren't in it...but I've learned to accept it...

Maybe -- one day, in the near future, either when Im better and we randomly see each other, or when I've been gone for a while, you will be able to look at a picture of me and genuinely say that you were in love with me -- even if it was for a short period of time....I will know that you mean it...and I will forgive you for leaving me all alone to deal with this...

You were my rock, and I loved you with all my heart. Im content with never loving anyone the way I loved you again -- and I will never love someone that much....ever...that is a promise...there is something about a girl's first love that just never goes away..all the coulda, woulda, shoulda's and all the possibilities...I hope I get to experience love with a man like I did with you, and I hope I can be a good partner to someone, like I tried with you....I just don't think its in the cards for me...

Im sorry for causing you stress, making you cry, making you hurt, and making you make choices that your heart and your mind did not agree on...

I love you babe, more than words can express, and forever...

Inadequate Angel

So...it has taken alot for me to become the person that I am today...I have been through more than I care to re-iterate over the last 2 yrs....just thinking about it all makes me cry....

I have had my surgeries and been hopeful...been sick and still been hopeful...and met someone who I thought cared about me and this fight...

...and realised more than ever that you cannot trust anyone...but your self.

I have grown so much, and since breaking up with Wes, I have changed into the woman that I know I have always been...but just been hiding for some reason...because I never felt good enough...

Having Cancer, breaking up with the love of your life, and trying to find myself has been quite the daunting task...and I did it...Im dealing with it...


...and then I find out that Wes's gf is now a teacher...and my whole life crumbles...WHY??? I have no idea...

Well...because I feel inadequate....because even though I am done with Wes..and will never be able to look at him the same way again...I felt ...like everyone telling him that ' he could do better' when he was with me....was right...

...I am my own person ,and I am good enough for someone...but just lately with all this shit...

...I get alot of " Oh you are awesome, and so strong and wish I was like you..." yet...Im never girlfriend material...Im never good enough...never important enough for someone to come over and bring me soup when Im sick, or just sit with me and hold me and watch a movie when Im having a blah day...

..Everyone is always so quick to say " Feel Better" from afar...but never close up...as if I'm contagious or something...

..Im done with wearing this 'feel good' mask, and pretending Im ok...Im not..

I feel inadequate, I feel unwanted, and I feel like Im never going to be good enough for anyone...

..and I hate it.

Go back to your girlfriends, and look at me from a distance and tell me how unhappy you are and blah blah blah...but don't come around here unless you are genuine with what you feel...a girl with cancer is not someone to be played with...you never know how long she may be around for...and you don't want to have any regrets...