Angel falls in love too easy...lol

So I guess being sick has made me appreciate life, and the people in my life, a little more than normal.

...and that could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on where you stand in my life.

I find that I don't trust people as much as I used too...yet at the same time, with those that I am a little weary about, I look at them more intensely and try and read them, and understand why I don't trust them, what it is inside of them that Im weary about...and I try to get passed it.

I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt...I try to trust them with me....but it just hasn't been happening as much as I would like....

Also -- the last week, I have sat down and thought about anyone that meant something to me, why they were important to me, and how they have impacted my life...and Ive realised that I fall in love too easily.

I want to give myself to people, and never lie about who I am...what I've done, where I've been...I want them to look at me...and see me for everything that I am....I never EVER want to hold back to anyone that is important to me...and that in turn makes me fall in love too easily.

Its a good thing to be in love...it is....it makes you smile, and giddy, and give you that feeling of being wanted by someone for who you are...and what you stand for...

....and it makes you feel beautiful....and I haven't felt beautiful in a really REALLY long time.

With you -- I don't even remember the last time that you had told me that you loved me, or that you thought I was beautiful, or you complimented me...

...My one happy memory, that makes me cry just thinking about it...was 2007 Valentines Day...I got the time off work, and I was so happy just to be with you. I showed up in Brantford, and you were just so happy...cause you knew that buying me roses was what I wanted...and that I was going to love them...you walked from downstairs, with a dozen roses in a vase, and I remember your face exactly, and your smile...and it made me happy...to know that you appreciated me...you loved me....not only did you get me flowers, but you bought me other stuff as well....and all I had was cupcakes.... :(

I constantly think of that...and others while Im trying to think happy thoughts of you...and I have no regrets.

I wish that you could be around with me now, help me through this....but I have someone who has replaced you --- just as you have someone who has replaced me....and he looks at me, and instead of running away when he found out that I was sick...he lifted my chin, and looked me in the eyes and said "Well, I guess we are gonna have to beat this together".....and I couldn't have asked for a better response....because that is what you said in the beginning....

...I just hope he sticks around to experience me...

The difference between him and you....is that you got me when I was in my prime, and no problems, and constantly happy...and you got me at my worst...dealt with me when I was unhappy and dealing with so much...and you stood by me..and I never thanked you truly and whole heartedly for that...

...he gets me in the middle of my fight....and looks at me like you did when we first were together...and he understands that this is going to be rough...and he doesn't even love me like you did...and he's still AROUND. He is standing beside me...through all of this...

..it upsets me that I can't say the same for you ....but I understand that you have your life that you need to live...and Im not in it...

....it would be nice if that changed...but if it doesn't....I will dedicate my book to you...

Thats a promise...and I ALWAYS keep my promises....

Trust No One

Sometimes, there comes a point in life...when you have to say a big 'Fuck You' to people that have treated you/currently treat you like shit. There comes a time when one person can only take so much -- and that time is now.

I am so furious right now, on top of everything...I can barely type and think Im so fucking exhausted.

Bottom line -- you have all taught me not to trust ANYONE....

No one really truly give a shit about you ...its all fucking lies....

Chemo sucks, losing your hair sucks.....and being alone in all capacities of your life sucks...

Fuck this...

Chemo Angel...

So --

I'm half way through Round One...and I cannot explain the feelings and emotions and everything that is going on with me. I feel so weak and yet so full of life at the same time. So far, no one at work has really noticed anything, and the one person that knows the truth does his best to make me smile on a daily basis.

Im not losing my hair as drastically as I thought I would be, I mean soon Im going to have to do the big shave, and Im not looking forward to it, but its gonna have to happen. I so far have only had a couple mouth sores, and a few sleepless nights, but other than that all is ok...well no...not all ok...all is bearable.

You are still not 'talking' to me, which I don't understand....and at this point in time I hate you. I hate you for promising me that you would be there for me through all of this, and now, when I have gotten over you -- and realised that I deserve to be treated better than you treated me, and I have accepted the past, and looked to the futuer with you as a good friend -- you leave me. You can pretend all you want that you don't care -- but I know that you care..and that's what hurts more. The fact that I know that you care, and that you could be fulfilling my dreams with me, and yet instead you are sitting at work, in life, with a fake smile on your face....wanting to know what is going on in my life.

I know that you want to ask me how my treatments are going , maybe wanting to help me with wigs, and possibly shave your head with me in support of Cancer. I know that you care, I can sense it all the time. Yet, somehow you think that by not talking to me, your life will be better....and I don't see how that is possible.

I don't love you like that anymore. I could NEVER EVER love someone who has done what you have done to me...who has abandoned me, and is full of empty promises and yet despite all the bad things that have happened between you and I --- I still try and remember your smile, and your laugh and all the good times that we had together, because I don't want to hate you -- I want to smile and laugh and have fun -- but right now, I hate you.

I hate you for telling me that my life is not as important as someone else's.
I hate you for making me feel like I have done something to deserve this treatment.

I hate you for not being there for me after my first IV, and the second...and the third...

I've been off from work for the last little while, staying at my parents as they are out of the country -- and to be honest, every thing that reminds me of you...I sit here and smile...and then my heart hurts....hurts because I can't call you and talk to you on the phone --- I can't write you an email and know that you read that...and I can't msg you randomly with some stupid funny inside joke .....

If you don't surface soon....its over....for good..I can't sit around and tell everyone that you just have things to work out, and then you will be around.

You have until the end of the month -- cause then I start Cycle 2....

If you don't make a decision -- either cut off contact with me completely, or come and say hi...let me know that you do care...and possibly bring me a fun hat...lol

You are a shitty boyfriend -- but a great friend....

Let's be friends babe...

I don't know what path to take right now...and I hate that...


...more than you know...