Angel is...

Well..Im not going to lie...I haven't lied about anything on here..any feeling, any emotion, any thought about anything in the last four years...I have been true to myself...and despite what anyone may think about what I post on here...it is the one thing that helps me through the times where I don't want to be upset..and I want to just release what Im feeling and get it out all the while trying to maintain a positive attitude around people that I care about.

I NEVER EVER meant to hurt anyone with what I posted on here the other day...and you can choose to believe what you want...but that is the truth. I was drunk, celebrating a friends wedding, and celebrating the next step in this fight with Cancer, and I thought I had made it private.

You have decided that you don't want to hear it...and you don't want to know what I have to say...and you know what...thats not fair.

Yes -- in the beginning I was angry at you for leaving me in a time when I needed you the most, but I realised that no matter how much I cared about you...or how much I told you that I loved you -- that you didn't feel the same way about me. Its still gonna take some time to deal with, but I have realised that I don't look at you the same way as I did less than 6 mths ago. You hurt me so much, that although I still love you...I don't and will not be ever to look at you the same way again...

Yes -- I was not happy that you were in a relationship, but when I realised how happy you were, I got over it, and realised that having you as my friend was reason enough to be happy.

Little did I know that you were lying to your girlfriend about our friendship, and you were making shit up about us...and that I can't believe....

You told me that you would never lie or speak negatively about me...but you did and you lied.

But that is not important ...what is important is the fact that Im doing what you always wanted me too..and I was going to tell you on Friday, but I didn't get a chance to talk to you until Saturday..and now you won't talk to me about anything at all...

Im going to day two of chemo...today..and I've started half days at work...and in less than a couple months Im going to have surgery. I had to wait to get approval from work and from the doctor and it all came through on Friday afternoon.

I hate that you are angry at me, for something that was a mistake...for something that I never meant anyone to find out about ...and you blame me...and punish me after forcing yourself to stay in my life through all of this, and after me accepting everything...and putting my feelings aside and focusing on my health...you just leave me...again.

I want you to help me through this, and see me through this...but I can't keep asking ...Im giving you chances...

And as for you -- if you are reading this ....fuck you.

What happened between Wes and I was a mistake, and yes, you have every right to be mad at him -- but fuck you for telling me that I deserve to be alone and basically saying that I deserve to die...fuck you for making the man that I loved once, and who I have great respect for as a person...cut me out of his life...when he really wants to support me through all of this...but can't because of you.

I have a cycle of chemo, then surgery, then more chemo -- and then hopefully I'll be done..

I would like you to be a part of this. Just like you wanted to be in the first place.

Angel is stunned...

So I can't believe that after everything YOU are cutting me off...

It was an accident, a mistake. I had too much to drink, and I didn't hit the proper button....and Im sorry. It was never my intention to do this, and you know that if I really wantd to hurt you I would have done it a long time ago. Ask yourself why I did this? Why would I want this?

After 4 mths of me getting over you, and fighting this cancer with you by my side...why would you think that I would want to get rid of you now?

Apparently, you were telling Jenn all sorts of lies about me...or so she says...and that I can't understand. You always told me that you never EVER would mock me, or say bad things about me...yet it seems thats all you did with her.

I found out, on Friday, that I am able to start my half days at work, and chemo...which will eventually lead to surgery. I thought you would be happy to know this...and I didn't tell you on Friday, becasue I didn't know until after I stopped talking to you...I went to Hamilton and had a dr's appointment and its all set.

Im telling you this, so that you know....that you understand that I always wanted to get better, I just never thought that I was strong enough -- but you told me that I was.

If you want to be a part of the next couple of months...then its open for you to be there...let me know.

If not , then thank you for everything you have done for me -- and I always thought that you had a little more care and love in your heart for me than this ...

If she means that much to you -- and I mean nothing, which is extremely clear right now...then fine...if you need to delete me from your life in order for you to be happy...then fine...

...but its not fair. You forced a friendship on me for all this time, forced me to let you in my life and help me through this, even when I cursed your name...and the stuff that I have been through emotionally and physically....well...you were there for me.

You have to believe me that I never meant for this to happen.I swear on my life, which however way you look at it , might not be that valuable...but still.
Im sorry that it happened...and I would take it back in heartbeat. I would push that button, and it would have been private, just like all the other entries I have written that were private.

Don't do this -- not now, not when things are going to get really hard....not when I need your support and your friendship now more than ever...

No matter what happens, thank you for everything....but you are making a huge mistake.

Angel doesn't give two shits anymore...

You abandoned me in the middle of Cancer...FUCK YOU

You told me you loved me, and then took it back when the first whore that you met would jump into bed with you.....FUCK YOU

You tell me that you want to be friends, and that I should accept that cause at least you are still in my life....FUCK YOU

You left me here, to deal with a broken heart, a bunch of lies...and a terminal illness that I don't even know where to start with...FUCK YOU

I gave you every part of me, and was always completely honest with you -- and all you gave me back was lies and fake feelings.... FUCK YOU

You cheated on your gf with me...and then told me to be silent about it... DOUBLE FUCK YOU



...and now you are cursing me for writing this on MY PRIVATE BLOG...so fuck you for telling her...fuck you for making me look like a weak and lonely person..and fuck you for blaming me on your short comings...


I loved you once....and it hurts to know that I can't find a single reason why I should continue to love you...


You want me to be your friend...then stop lying to yourself, and everyone in your life...start telling the truth and then we will think about it...



Oh -- and as for you being pissed off about me writing this...TRIPLE FUCK YOU...you gave her the keys to this cupboard a long time ago...I guess you never thought it would bite you in the ass like it did...

Fuck you for making me doubt myself, and making me question whether or not this disease is going to win...

Fuck you for your open ended promises that will just end in lies and deceit...the nights you promised me ...just you and me...and the trip to Alaska that you talk about all the time..its all never going to happen, and it never was...your intentions were nver to make me happy...as long as I beat this, and made you feel better about your life....it was never going to happen.


You have lost the best thing to happen in your life..and you know it. go ahead and cover it up with this 'team' effort that you call it....try to tell me you are happy and in love, when you talk to me almost 24 hrs out of the day during the week and then on weekends Im just supposed to back off and understand that you need to spend time with your 'gf'.

Well fuck all of you...you have hurt me more than anything ever will..I will guarantee that...and unless you are willing to beg to keep yourself in my life..the nI don't care anymore...

You always told me you would never be able to choose...you would never be able to jsut forget one person...well now is the time...and Im pretty sure that with a gun to your head...you would choose her...cause after all...

....how much could a person with Cancer offer the world??? I used her for the good times, and did what I did with her..and then I tossed her...she is worth nothing more then a good BJ every now and again....


FUCK YOU ALL.

Angel needs to be spoiled..

So..I think that over the last couple months/year, I have been privy to some harsh things...and I have realised now, that I deserve to be treated...treated...like a queen.

I have craved attention for so long, that I don't remember what its like to be touched by someone who cares...what its like to get a real hug...from someone who isn't afraid of me, or of my disease. I don't remember what its like to have someone look in my eyes and tell me they love me...and mean it.

They say that Human touch, and physical contact with someone helps heal wounds...and I truly believe that now...if I could count how many times that I craved someone beside me, holding me, telling me that it will be ok....touching my hair, rubbing my back telling me it was all ok. When I was really sick, I would be hallucinating...pretending that I did have someone taking care of me, and telling me it would be ok....trying to forget about the fact that you left me in the middle of the biggest battle of my life...to fend for myself...to deal with this alone.

Now, I know Im not alone -- and although I have people I love around me...you have no idea what I've been through, trying to convince myself that I did NOTHING wrong, and that I don't deserve this, and you are just fucked in the head.

The amount of anger that I have inside of me because of this, is unfathomable, and when I speak to my group about you...and what you did, they all sit there and smile. And I wanna just yell " Why the fuck are you smiling? My heart , and all that I know has been ripped out of me, and exposed for everyone to see, for everyone to spit on, and stomp on"

...and then I realise why they are smiling.

They are smiling, because every single one of them has been through something similar...something that hits home...and they know what its like. Maybe not like this, maybe it was losing a friend, or losing themselves...but they know...and they remember what it was like...and they look at me with hope and faith and know that I will realise ...that this too will pass...


I talked with a guy , lets just call him 'Brad'. His wife...has breast cancer..well HAD breast cancer. She is a survivor, and she is amazing. I met both of them through this group, and they have been big influences on my life through this...and after listening to me cry, and not understand why...and see me get sick, and better, and sick....and better...

..and the other day...he confided in me...to give me some insight into why this is happening, into why you ran away from me....into why I became such a horrible person...

...When his wife was diagnosed his world fell around him..he was devastated, and didn't know where to turn. He fell right into a support group, for spouses and families of those with cancer...and he was relieved. He also met "Angie" and they were inseperable. She was dealing with her mother who was dying of lung cancer, and he was in teh same boat. They went out for coffee, and then dinner, and then 'dates' when they just wanted to get away...from all the stress...and through all of this he loved his wife more than ever...

...but the thought of losing her...the thought of losing someone that he had vowed to spend the rest of his life with, was somethign that he didn't want to deal with...so he needed someone else...someone else who could just make him forget about the possibility of dealing with grief and being alone...and all through this...there was "Meg"; waiting patiently in the hospital for her knight in shining armour to eat popsicles with, and read her the paper when her eyes just couldn't stay open...to remind her why she should keep fighting, cause he loved her so.


...but he still went to "Angie" and things progressed until one day, something happened...and the second it happened...he regrettd it...but yet it felt like a huge relief off his shoulders...a huge release...because sexual gratification is something that relieves stress...

"Brad" told me all this in confidence, but what he didn't tell me, was that he went back to his wife, and told her everything...and instead of her crying and cursing...she turned to him and said " Babe, I forgive you"...and he begged and pleaded and told her that he was a bad man, and that he was horrible for it happening, and he didn't know why...and she said " Babe - I forgive you"

He told me he doesn't understand why she did it...why she forgave him, maybe it was because she was sick...

She told me she forgave him because nothing he could ever do would ever make her forget how good it felt to be in his arms, and how he made everything bad go away...about how he could look at her and she would feel safe and Cancer would not even be an worry..the beepings would go away, and for one brief moment, she felt beautiful...and felt loved...and felt important.

These two are an inspiration to me, and make you realise that life's infedelities, and life's little imperfections are all forgiveable in the face of love.


I need love now...I've been scared because of the weekend...and scared because I can't remember much...and scared because of surgery and just plain scared.

All I want is someone to just lie with me, and make me feel wanted , and sexy and beautiful. I need someone to want me...to look at me and understand just by looking at me, that I need them.

The human touch is one of the most powerful tools in the healing process, and can do so much to convey feelings, and show emotions.

For God's Sakes....

...touch me already...

Reminiscent Angel

Every single night for the past year....I have wished for you to hold me as tightly as you can...cause that was the only thing that made me feel like everything was going to be alright....

Im fighting that urge tonight, that urge to miss you....to look beside me in bed, and not wish you were there telling me it was going to be ok...to stop the dreams, and the memories of the good times....to stop my wishful thinking for the future and what it held for you and I...

Tonight -- I lie here, with tears in my eyes, knowing that I will never get to have that with you again....and that no matter what happens with this Cancer...no matter how sick, or how much I fully recover....I will never have that...

Tonight -- I sit here and try and tell myself that I am good enough for someone , and that just because I don't have a degree, or because I don't make that much money, or because Im sick...or every other excuse that I can think of...that someone will love me the way that I thought you did...

Tonight -- I miss you more than ever because my reality has hit me harder than it has in the last little while...

Tonight -- ever piece of anger, and raw emotion has taken a hold of me and I hate it...I've been hiding from it for a long time....longer than I should have...and its hit me tonight --and I don't know why...

Tonight -- will be the last night that I tell you I love you...because I deserve someone saying it back...

Tonight -- I realise that this disease has made me cherish the times that I have with people...and I don't deserve to share you...or to compete with anyone for your time...if you would rather not have memories together, then so be it...I can't force you....

Tonight -- you will think back to how amazing a person I am, and how beautiful, and special and amazing I can be to those that I care about and love....

..and tonight will be the last night you will ever experience that....

Im sick and tired of laying my life and my heart on the line for you...for your life, and for your wants and needs.
Im sick and tired of hating you so much for being so insensitive and ignorant.
Im sick and tired of lying in bed alone....thinking about why I deserve to be left to deal with all this myself.

Im sick and tired of you blaming me for your shortcomings in your relationship...

Im sick and tired of pretending that you aren't scared to be alone in a room with me --- because you know that I was good to you, and that I can treat you right and I know what you like....

Im sick and tired of my heart hurting more than this Cancer does.......

My heart is going to hurt for a really long time -- I knew that, I expected that...I guess I just thought that it would spread itself out across a long period of time and not just hit me randomly when I have a free second to actually collect my thoughts.

I have sat here, and cursed you, and hated you, and loathed you...all at once sometimes...and I realised that such a wide variety of emotions stems from one --- Love.

You have given me the best nights and days and experiences of my life -- and I truly thank you for that. You have also made me realise that no matter how much you tell someone you love them, and you will do anything for them....you can't force someone to look at you....the way you did when we first kissed , or we first made love....or the first time we just lay in bed all day and just were being stupid fools who were in love...

I love you more and more with every passing day that I don't have you in my life -- and everytime I see you, its just a tease for me, knowing that I can't run my fingers through your hair, or I can't scratch your head...or massage you....

This hurts too much -- and I have so much going on right now, that I can't be responsible for my feelings as well.

I thought that I could handle this, I thought that I could be friends with you -- you are my best friend....but I can't look at you without feelings...feelings of hatred, and loathing and anger....all stemmed from how much I love you.

Im sorry that it couldn't be like you wanted it -- but at the same time Im not. I deserve to be number one in your life. I have worked for, and I have earned it....and if you can't give me that, then right now, in my life -- I can't have you around. Im dealing with the battle of life and death here, and I find that when you are around, Im happy and excited and enjoying life....and when you are out with her, I just think about why Im not good enough -- and what makes her so special...and thats not your fault -- its mine...but I just can't think of it any other way.....yet.

Im going to love you with all of my heart, every day, and Im going to wish you only the best....and when the day comes that I can look at you and say that I don't love you -- well , lets just say that day will never come...so don't you worry.

I love you babe -- more than should be allowed....and whatever I can do to show that, to reciprocate for your positive thoughts and feelings...I will......


I love you Wes.

Angel is not going to NYC...

Not going to NYC cause financially its not feaseable....

Also -- Im pretty sure I would get murdered by Wes if I went...oh but I forgot...I keep doing this to myself, and keep caring what he is saying...no matter waht..

I fucking hate myself for it...

Like -- just keep lying to me about things, and make yourself look more and more like a hypocrite...

I don't even know what to say...Im torn between telling the truth...especially on here...and just letting well enough alone...

I hate being taken advantage of...and you are the primary culprint.

You are the example of the defenition " wolf in sheep's clothing"...you are too nice when you have no on else in your life, and when you life is going bad..and you come back to me talking , and just being normal and fun...and then I get thrown aside again..Im sick of it. Im sick of you, and her, and cancer, and my fucking roommate and her fucking one legged boyfriend who hobbles around at all hours of the night and day...and I can't come home once wihtout seeing both of them...

Im sick of being taken advantage of...NO MORE.

...oh and shave your beard...it makes you look like a bum...and you aren't....

Angel in NYC???

So -- a day off today, with little stress and nothing to do...knowing that I was going for a nice dinner tonight with Wes -- although I didn't want too...he insisted...so I gave in..lol then again what else is new. Me? Giving into him? NEVER! lol

Anyways -- this morning while Im sleeping, Wes calls telling me that he is going to his Dad's to get his car fixed...and he wasn't sure when he would be home. So - I took that as what it was..he didn't think that he was gonna make it tonight. Another let down...another promise that was made..and now broken.

Now; I know that it is uncontrollable what happens to his car, and all that jazz...and I know that he has to sleep before work tonight ...I just hate it...that I get my hopes up to have a nice day...away from everything and I can just forget about everything...and then I get them shattered because of something that I have no control over...

Its almost 8:30 and the place where we were gonna go for dinner..is prolly closed, and as for just hanging out and doing nothing ..well that won't happen cause he is still asleep....

Ive made other plans for this evening, its a friend of mine at work's last day before his wedding and honeymoon and some people are going out after work -- so I said I would be there....

In reality -- I kinda wish Wes was here right now, just hanging out, being someone who I can bounce this work business off of.

Oh yeah -- I got the job that I interviewed for...like 100%..its mine....

...If I want to move to NYC!! OMG !! OMG!!! OMG!!!

Yeah -- like the best opportunity in the world..and such a good thing to happen riht now ...except that I don't think I would be able to do it....at least right now...which sucks...cause I want it so bad .....

Dammit all to hell...