I can't do this anymore...

You're a whore

So...

Im in this weird position, where I want to be completely honest with the person that I love, and I want to tell him the truth...but he doesn't love me back...so why should I???

Also -- I don't know what Wes is thinking...but this whole 'bum' thing that he has going...its not good. Yeah I said it...its not good. You are NOT that person that I saw the other night...that isn't you ....and no matter what you say ...you are NOT happy.

I already have NO respect for your relationship, and you know why....but it seems a little weird to me...why you would/could let him be like this? He isn't happy...don't you see that?!?!

Maybe its my fault -- I do make him miserable...he has told me, and I have kept my distance in the last little while...and it hurts...but you have done NOTHING good for him...

Also - My Dr and I had a talk, and I was pissed at him cause he told me that I couldn't volunteer anymore...and he said that I was too negative with all of this...and you know what..maybe I am...but maybe its because I've been BOMBARDED with emotional crisis after another recently...and Im trying to deal with it properly...but its hard...and Im going to be a little negative.

I don't know what to do right now -- I don't know whether to just stop talking to you altogether, but now Im scared...cause you aren't happy ...and not that I can do that...but I feel that because my Cancer is partially responsible for your mood, that if I just tell you things are fine you will be happy...and you will be ok.

You don't have time for me...and you know what, thats ok...you made that choice...I hate you for it -- but you made that choice.

So that is why you are not allowed to yell at me or be angry at me anymore about treatments, about whatever is going on with my Cancer. I told you I wouldn't ask you to come anymore to my treatments...and I haven't asked you yet...but you have offered. I walked out of your life for a bit ...and you seeked me out...

This is what I was afraid of ...that I would try to be adult..and I would try to be civil...and then things would just be like before...and I would get hurt again.

The worst part is, is that I want you in my life more than ever, and I want to see you, and talk to you and all that stuff...but Im so scared...and I have good right.

I don't know what to do -- with anything right now...with treatments, with friendships, with Wes....

Ryan and I talked the other day -- and it didn't go well...just like I thought....he doesn't want me around -- and I have to accept that. I guess I became too much like Tasha, and he wants to cherish those memories with her...he doesn't want memories of her and driving her to the hospital, intermingled with him driving me to the hospital...I understand....completely. It just sucks.

Somehow I thought that I could get over Wes easily...like he got over me..in one fucking week...but the difference between him and I....is that I didn't jump into bed with the first whore that made her presence known. I didn't try to forget that I had Cancer by fucking someone who I had no feelings for. I never tried to run away from Cancer by telling myself to just get over losing the love of my life...and deal with Cancer...and just DEAL WITH IT.

This whole thing is unbelieveable...I pour my heart out every fucking day for this man, and I get tossed aside...like a rag...a rag that has Cancer...

Ugh...

The anger inside of me, is unbelieveable...I cannot fathom how much anger and hurt I have inside and Im trying to deal with it maturely and its so hard...

I don't know whether to do the Relay for Life...I have no one to do it with, and frankly doing that would admit to these people that I have Cancer....and that scares me.

Also -- Im seriously losing my hair...and its not cool...I can't wash it as much, and I can't brush it as much...but Im gonna start taking these vitamins for healthy hair....

To everyone out there...don't fall in love...don't give someone your all...the pain that you suffer after the fact is not worth it...and if you happen to find the man of your dreams and live happily ever after...then good for you....

...but if you are like me and were with the man of your dreams and he just couldn't deal with you being sick....and you get tossed...then it sucks...and I don't recommend it.

Angel can't do this ...

...like its all fun and games for you - because you are getting the best of both worlds...

...but its not so fun for me, when Im worried about how much affection I show you in private/public...or what I say, or everything always has to relate back to you and her...

...I can't do this....Its not going to be physically possible or emotionally possible for me to just throw things aside...I can pretend all I want, but the reality is that I can't...

I CANNOT

I CAN'T

...and it sucks...because you make me smile and laugh and feel good about myself...

...this fucking sucks...

I hate my life....

Angel Hates....

...you

Now its a strong word, I'll admit it. But lately, it feels like its ok to have hatred towards people...towards choices...towards diseases...

I have never wished hurt, or anything bad on anyone...until now.

I have never been so upset by people not caring about my feelings and what certain situations do to me..until now...

I hate everyone for assuming that I'm going to be ok dealing with this, and that all the stuff that I said about them being important to me, etc..was just bullshit and didn't mean anything, so they can just walk away.

Im sick and tired of it all. Its not fair. And I hate you....and you...and especially you.

You all know who you are, and you are all reading this right now...and yes I said HATE.

I have been abandoned by two people who 'care' about me....each for different reasons, and Ryan -- I sorta understand yours...and I don't hate you as much as I say I do..I just don't understand. And Wes -- I don't understand you either...and well I hate you most of all, because you have won this whole god damn thing...you have succeeded in taking the most important person away from me...and I hope your fucking happy.

For once, instead of people SAYING that they care and SAYING that they understand..how about telling me or listening to me when I need a shoulder to cry on....how about listening to how scared I am...and how much I think im going to miss...and all the things I want to do...and helping me with all of that ...maybe you should actually follow through with your promises...

The funny thing about all of this , is that in my session today this girl , who is approx 17, said something that made me cry and I had to leave. We were all talking about what we can't wait for after this whole thing is over, and out of our systems...and I said I was excited to take a big trip and just escape from life, and have fun and not care about anything....and she just didn't skip a beat...and she said...

" I can't wait to fall in love with a boy, and have him love me for who I am and not just because I had Cancer, or am a Cancer survivor, but because Im Gemma,and thats perfect for him"

WOW - I had to blink twice to make sure I wasn't in some sort of movie...

I envy this girl, she doesn't know what its like to love someone so much -- and have them not love you back, and pretend that Cancer is just a joke and you can walk away.

As mean as it is -- and as much as I don't want to blame it on anyone, my emotional state is partially becuse of you...not only was I dealing with ending my life at a young age...but the one person who means more to me than anything...leaves me and jumps into bed with the first hoebag that he meets. I don't know what that is supposed to do to me...and how that is supposed to make me feel -- but it made me feel worthless..and completely stupid for every falling in love in the first place.

I hate how I feel about you.
I hate how I never see you, and that you don't care.

I hate that I may never fall in love wiht someone again, or that I may never have kids, or the big house with the dog and the husband and the 2.5 kids....

I hate that I let you hurt me so much...

I hate how I will just keep letting it happen...

I hate that you are my weakness...

I hate how Im weak in the knees for you...

I hate how you deny everything ...

I hate that everything else is so much more important in people's lives right now...

I hate that it could be too late before people realise "..its too late"

I hate not being able to say I love you...

I hate missing you....

But most of all....

I hate myself....for still loving you....

So its a beautiful day outside, and Im inside...being sick and in so much pain. About 10 min ago, for no reason, I just burst into tears...ok well...its cause you 'poked' me...yeah I know.....the stupidest thing ever...but ...

Just knowing that Im inside here...and all I want to be is out having fun with you...and you hate me.

I can't explain to you how much this hurts....I try to be cool about everything...but it hurts so god damn much...and I know that you don't care...

Do you have any idea what its like to know, that the one person that you love, just tosses you aside, like a dirty rag? NO you dont...because you keep your relationships on a revolving door...when it gets too serious, and life actually happens..you just toss me aside, you tossed Anna aside...and I hate you for that.

I am normally a person with a smile on my face, I love life...and even through all this Cancer, I still try to walk around with a smile on my face....

I hate you for making me feel this way. For making me constantly compare myself to her...sitting here, wondering why Im not good enough ....wondering if this Cancer is the reason why you couldn't love me anymore....and realising , that you are just selfish and shallow and can't deal with life. Instead of standing beside me , and helping me through this, and acutally committing time to help me deal through this, you ran away, and left me to deal with losing the man that I love, and possibly losing my life. How dare you.

I cared about you so much, and I did everything for you and only wanted to see you happy, and instead of working through our problems, and realising that relationships are two people working together, instead of me just doing everything on my own and having to deal with you saying that you don't care what I say or what I feel you aren't going to change your life. I sacrificed my friendships, my relationshp with my parents, and because you made me so happy, I didn't care what happened. I was a good girlfriend to you , and you know that. I treated you well, and yes I had my flaws, I had alot going on in my life all at once, and all you wanted was for me to be less stressed....and for me to be happy with you...and we were happy.

You have made me questions my life, how I act around people, and my feelings. You have selfishly not cared about my life, my battle with cancer, or my feelings....

You tell me you want me to get better, and you care, and Im always on your mind and everything...and how im so important in your life.

So fucking important, that I feel bad for calling you, or talking to you..... or anything to do with you. Anytime something reminds me of you, or Im thinking of you...I feel bad for doing so....FUCK THAT. Im not important to you, you don't care and you would rather be happy in your life, then care about other people's feelings...Im not important in your life, you don't care abut me...and you would be happier if I was just gone....You wish I would get better so that I would just be gone from your life, and you could forget about me...

But Im not -- .you need to realise, that occasionally it would be nice to hear from you, and hear you say, get ready , we are going to have some fun...cause you understand me, and how I love to have fun...and love to smile and explore...and yet...

You are the sweetest most caring man I have ever met...and you make me feel so alive and eveyrthing --- yet since all this happened....and you just left me...and abandoned me...you are the biggest asshole....and I don't understand it...

Please stop...I need you in my life....please don't make me hate you.....please...

Angel cares...

So, I realised today, and well, over the last little while, that when someone tells you that you are important to them, and that they care about you....they are lying.

I also realised, that there is a difference in saying that you care, and actually caring. Yes, we all feel bad for people that are going through hard times, and we do care when our friends are upset, or need a shoulder to cry on....but when that situation comes around, and we just sit there and say "It will be alright" and then....nothing. You don't actually care. You really couldn't give two shits about what is going on, how that person feels...because that would mean that you would need to take time out of your life...for someone else.

I guess because Its just always been the way that I live my life, caring more about everyone else than myself, and maybe its because I know how it feels to be abandoned, left alone in the middle of a situation where all you need is a warm hand and shoulder to cry on ....and no one is willing to step up to the plate.

I have become a stronger person because of the last 4 years....I have become a better person because of the last 4 years...I have also lost more in the last 4 years then should be allowed. Of course, there are people who are dealing with worse right now, and I always look at that, and realise that life is all relative.

The one lesson that I have learned through all of this, is that you never know who to trust, and do NOT lay yourself on the line -- because it is never good enough. There is always a flaw that people notice in order to justify their actions, or to feel better about themselves.


Imagine....

Imagine this -- you love a man so much, you actually compromise things for him, and realise that he is important to you, and you will do anything to make him happy. You feel that flutter everytime he calls you, and at the end of the night he says that he loves you...you believe him.

Imagine, the other half of that relationship, the woman...me. Has a hard time dealing with certain things, and learns that its not always the best to hold it in...however, because she doesn't trust anyone at this point, will only tell the one pereson who she trusts more than ever...you. It turns into me screaming and blaming him for things that have nothing to do with him , but somehow I make it work. Imagine hanging up the phone after yelling at the only person that you love, regretting every second of that last conversation, but knowing that he still loves you and understands that you are dealing with a tough time and it too shall pass, and making it up in any way that I can, because its NOT fair to you to have to deal with that.


Imagine,on the other side of that phone is you ...prolly sick and tired of me yelling at you, and wishing you could just have a normal life, but loving me none the less.

Imagine, me loving you more than should be allowed, and dealing with all sorts of crap...but no matter what just being happy that I can be with the one man that I love and care for more than anyone else...

Im sorry.

Imagine being diagnosed with Cancer...and being left to deal with this on your own. The one man that you want in your life, the one person that matters more than anything to you -- abandoning you cause he can't deal with the thought of me dying, or being sick, and possibly being taken from him. So - the best thing to do, is to make up excuses as to why our relationship is horrible, cause its not like I don't have anything else to deal with , and make excuses for your behaviour so that you don't feel guilty for leaving me. This is one week after having an amazing day out and a night together, that left me smiling and realizing that I was lucky to have someone so caring in my life as you. This is one week before you move 3 fucking minutes away from me...and we have discussed how awesome that is going to be cause then you can be there for me during treatments and everything. Imagine the joy in my heart knowing that after 4 long years of being long distance, we can finally be close again...and have a normal time.

Imagine ONE WEEK after ending a 4 year relationship....convincing yourself that you love someone else, because that will be the easiest thing to do in this situation.

Imagine being told that you are not going to make it through this Cancer because it has spread to your lungs and having surgery won't do anything cause there is too many mets...

Imagine lying to the one man that you love so that his life won't be full of worry and regret and hatred, and so that he can move on with someone new who isn't sick and dying...so that he can have a life.

Imagine lying next to the one man that you love and trying to tell him the truth, but knowing that he is just going to share his anger and his upset with someone else instead of you, and not being able to see him cry....makes you keep your mouth shut.

Imagine wishing that you could just spend time with him....and he never makes time for you but tells you that he cares and that he loves you and that he wants to see you get better....but its all from a distance.

Imagine being a room with someone that you have shared everything with, and him being scared to sit next to you ...

Imagine me...sitting alone in a hospital bed..just wanting you to take of me..but you can't cause you ' have your own life to worry about'.

Well -- this is too much for one person to handle. I've been caring about everyone else in this whole situation for way to long, and its going to stop.

You dont care about me for the right reasons, you care because you feel guilty for abandoning me and you want to feel better about yourself and your actions. So pity calling me is what you decide to do. Forgetting the serious issues here and pretending like our 'friendship' is normal and that its all ok. Not taking into account MY FEELINGS, and MY EMOTIONS...but only looking out for you cause the truth comes with too much hurt.

You don't care, cause if you did, I wouldn't be scared to call you on the weekends....my heart wouldn't drop when I called you and you didn't answer...thinking that while I was in pain, or being sick, and you should be by my side....you are actually with her...and lying to her every second you are with her...and YOU being comforted while dealing with this, instead of us comforting each other...

I used to feel comfortable talking to you about everything, I used to laugh and cry with you knowing that you never judge me and that you loved me for me...you saw it deep down inside of me, and you got me....

Now - - you have ruined that, but sharing EVERYTHING that we had together with her, by sharing this with her, but feeling like somehow it would be easier for you to deal with this break up, and with this whole battle.....and with everything...if instead of talking to ME about it...talk to someone else about it all, and just expect me to understand what you are feeling.....well ....

My heart is broken, and you keep telling me that I need to focus on this battle...but I am focusing on this battle, you are just not in the loop...because you have made it that way...I have people that I can go to fix my disease, and fix my body...

But the heartbreak that I have cannot be fixed...so that why its not going to take me ONE WEEK to get over you...and why Im NOT going to jump into bed with the first person that presents themselves to me...and Im NOT going to lie to myself and to them about my feelings, and lead them into a web of lies....

I don't know why I still love you -- I should hate you.....but you have this hold over me, and I don't know why or how..but you do. As you know -- you could do anything to me..and I would still love you ...you could prolly have given me this Cancer and I would still care about you...and I don't understand it....

...and I never will

Angel has learned...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes, after that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do. I've learned that it's not what happens to people, it's what they do about it. I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides. I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you'll see them. I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned that there are people, who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it. I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance same goes for true love.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgive by others, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions. I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life. I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing, As well as talking, Can ease emotional pains. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe. I've learned to love and be loved. I've learned.

Angel is Weak ....

Despite everything that has happened in the last year or so, I am still in love with a man..that...well...says he doesn't love me back...funny how life works...funny how you are dealt these hands and you just wanna keep on playing....no matter what...no matter how many times he hurts you, or abandons you, or gives you empty promises....

I just came back from my interview...it went well I think...hopefully it goes really well, and although Im not the type of person to run from my problems, this is something that I cannot deal with anymore...I think the best thing is to just leave...and force people to just deal with the consequences...Im hoping this job pulls through cause it would be a great experience.

****************************


Would you mind if I pretended we were somewhere else
Doin' something we wanted to?
'Cause all this livin' makes me wanna do
Is die 'cause I can't live without you
And you don't even care.

Would you mind if I pretended I was someone else
With courage in love and war?
I used to think that's what I was
But now this lyin' hurts too much
And I don't know what for.

I'm weak in the knees for you
But I'll stand if you want me to
My legs are strong and I move on
But honey I'm weak in the knees...

Would you mind if I walked over and I kissed your face
In front of all of your friends?
Would you mind if I got drunk and said
I wanna take you home to bed
Oh, would you change your mind?

I'm weak in the knees for you
But I'll stand if you want me to
My legs are strong and I move on
But honey I'm weak in the knees
For you

I'm weak in the knees for you
But I'll stand if you want me to
Ohh, my legs are strong and I move on
But honey I'm weak in the knees...

I'm weak in the knees for you
But I'll stand if you want me to
My legs are strong and I move on
But honey Im weak
Oh honey Im weak

Fuck You

So, I stopped blogging on here because of you -- because you encroached on my life, and decided it was your business to be in MY business...and you were wrong. I owe you nothing..

Im writing on here my feelings about everything, and its not fair to me...to have to change my whole life because you have opinions about ME, someone that isn't even part of your life. Im supposed to feel bad about writing about my life,and stop my feelings, so that Wes doesn't come to me crying about how you were upset, and you guys fought and its all my fault, because you are nosy and need to know all about my trials and tribulations.

Well -- fuck you. I have been on enough of an emotional rollercoaster as it is, and I don't need to watch what I say in my life, on my sites, on Facebook, on the phone on anything all because of your stupid feelings.

Yeah, and Im sure you are feeling the same thing about me, you are prolly saying, well this chick needs to move on and yadda yadda...but here is a tidbit of information to you

YOUR BOYFRIEND WILL NOT LET ME. YOUR BOYFRIEND WONT LET ME GO AWAY AND LIVE MY LIFE.

For some reason, he feels like having me around, and 'helping' me through this is something that he needs to do...because he loves me and cares about me... But for your information, because of you, and because of him being worried about what YOU think...he just gives me empty promises...tells me he will be there for me for Chemo, but isn't...because he is worried that YOU will be angry. So fuck you and your fucking high horse...your martyring of yourself, your telling me that you are going to be my friend, and that you understand what Im going through and all that bullshit that you wrote to me. You DONT understand, you will never understand....

You win -- OK. Im glad that you feel satisfied enough in your life, and your relationship with Wes...to ruin mine...

Why don't you ask yourself this question....

If he loves you so much, and wants to be with you, and doesn't care about me...then why won't he just leave me alone; instead of giving me a guilt trip when I tell him that I can't deal with him and all this drama. Why won't he just wish me the best, and leave me alone.Why does he still call me, and email me , and talk to me all the time...wouldn't you think that In a NORMAL relationship, he would just want to focus on you and how 'amazing' the whole experience...

I know you aren't ok with me being in his life, and I know that you hate it...knowing that you live far away and that there is nothing that you can do about me seeing him when you are not around....like when I saw him after my bone marrow test....or when I saw him on Tuesday....

You feel threatened, and for good reason -- I understand that...but instead of playing this whole martyr card, and trying to make him look at you as a good person, why don't you just speak your mind and 'get it off your chest' -- thats what you told him to justify your msg to me -- so why not just say what you feel.

Until Im six feet under, this isn't going to get easier, this isn't going to get better...Im determined to do the best things for me, and live my life to the fullest no matter if I live another month...another year...or another decade...

The best part about all of this -- is that if you read this, which Im sure you will....and you tell Wes...which Im sure you will...it will prove that what you promised to him, about not reading this -- well...you lied.

So -- the fight that I am fighting right now, with Cancer, is nothing that you can understand or will ever understand, so don't try...

Like I said, Im going to be around until that day comes when im done, and this Cancer wins...so deal with it.

Oh -- and like I promised to all my faithful readers...you know who you are ;) ...here is a copy of how this all started...enjoy....and feel free to post your comments...Im sure the author would love some feedback on her work....


******************************************


I know that you don’t care how I think or feel or what I have to say. That is fair; I would likely feel the same way if the situation were reverse. I have kept very quiet and I have tried very hard not to talk to you. I do wish you would at least hear me out and then you may judge me all you want.

This has been a very interesting two months…and yes it has been going on for almost two months (not 3 weeks). I didn’t expect to meet Wes. I didn’t expect to meet someone who is so much like me. I didn’t expect to meet someone that I clicked with the very first time I met him. In fact, the first time we met it felt like I had known him forever. I didn’t expect to meet someone who makes me smile, laugh, think and feel…and we do the same thing for each other. I didn’t expect Wes to come into my life. I didn’t expect to fall in love with him.

Wes and I started to build a friendship and then a relationship over a short period of time. I knew that he was involved with you but from the get-go I was under the impression that things had been up and down with you two for a very long time. He expressed to me that he was unhappy in your relationship and he wanted to move on. He also told me that he liked me and wanted to be with me. He felt happy with me and felt the same way I felt. I hesitated getting involved with Wes. I hesitated about getting involved with someone that was still tied to someone else…even if it was just a technicality.

The fact is I have never felt this way about anyone in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I have been in relationships before, I have loved and I have lost…but I have never had feelings like this before. That is why I continued to talk to him, see him, and be with him. I know you can’t see it and can’t understand it. I actually love Ian with all of my heart. He is perfect for me…everyone who knows me has said so.

But I get that none of this matters to you at all. Why should it? You have been hurt. You have committed years to a person. You have gone through the challenging times with him. You have laughed and had some of the most precious memories of your life. You have loved him as much as you knew how. Believe me, I can relate.

I had the devastating experience of ending a four year relationship. I loved him so much. Even though we had some really hard times, had broken up and got back together in the last year of our relationship, somehow I believed that he was the love of my life. I thought he was the one. Finally I had to let go. I had to face reality and recognize that we had grown up. We had drifted apart and despite how much I loved him and he loved me, maybe were weren’t meant to be. Cutting of contact with him was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. He was apart of everything in my life…every memory, every laugh, every cry. Evidence or memories of him were everywhere. It was as though I couldn’t escape it. Needless to say, it took me months and months to get over him. I went though all the stages of grief, denial, depression, anger…you name it. I probably cried all the tears possible for one person. Now I can say that I accept everything and I think that we both made the right choice. I am so much happier now.

I know that you probably don’t care about my experience, but trust me I can sort of understand what you are going through. I also know what it is like to have the guy that you loved for so long move on so quickly. It makes you think, did I mean anything to him? I am sorry that I have been that bitch that has the one that you think you should be with. I never thought I would be in a situation like this. The only reason I am in this is because I love Wes.

You can hate me. You can wish I would go away. You can be angry at him for choosing me. I understand that you would react this way. I understand that you are desperate to hang on to him in any way that you can. I know that you want him back. I know that you want him to love you. But, what does he want? Regardless of what you or I want, Wes should be happy. He should have the life he wants. We both know that he is an amazing person. I only want him to be happy and he deserves the very best.

Am I the best? Maybe, maybe not. But we have fallen in love with each other. As much as I hate to say because it is so trite, we have connected in a very special way. I know you can’t accept that Wes loves me. I don’t quite understand this. He has told you multiple times that he loves me, he is in a relationship with me and sees a future with me. Ian and I have talked about the future. We are both in this for the long run. This is not a fling. It is not merely sex or lust. This is a loving relationship.

Right about now, you are probably furious and hate me more than ever. One thing that I have not mentioned yet, which you would probably want to scream at me if this was a face-to-face conversation…is that you are sick. I know that you have cancer. That is an incredibly scary thing. I have had very close people to get cancer, go through treatments and even die. It is a horrible disease that attacks people’s bodies. No one deserves to go though that experience. I am very sorry that you are dealing with this. I know you don’t believe me but I have prayed that you will get better and live.

I know you see the only way that you can get through your illness and treatments is to have Ian by your side 100% of the time. I know that you want him to love you…not just as a supportive friend but as your boyfriend. Ian has expressed to me many times that he still cares about your well-being and he wants to be a supportive friend to you. But that’s where it ends. You also know that the reason he left you has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you are sick. Wes didn’t even know the extent of the seriousness of your illness prior to breaking it off with you.

I also want to discuss the blog situation. Wes sent me the link to your blog a while ago. He asked me to look at it. He wanted me to see what he was dealing with. He wanted me to understand and help him. I really didn’t want to know everything about your relationship. I didn’t want to know every fight, every time he broke up with you and every time you were hurt. I started reading it because it started to help me understand Wes and the situation better. You have said some absolutely horrible and disgusting things about me on your blog. You are entitled to. You have every right to hate me and express your feelings. But, you can’t expect that no one is going to read it. You can’t expect that Wes wouldn’t be completely honest with me and tell me about it. You can’t expect it not to hurt me and upset me. You don’t know me. You don’t know a single thing about me. Both of us only choose to see things the way we want to -the way that makes us feel better. I am sorry if you felt violated or insulted that I read and commented on it. Trust me, I wanted to say something really nasty to you. I wanted to fucking tell you off. But that isn’t me. I simply stated that I respected what you were going through and I stood up for Wes. I want to know why you think it is fair to expect him to be your only support. Do you not have friends and family that can also support you? If not, then I would even be willing to help you. I know you would never want that but I would. I don’t want you to be sick and suffering…I would never, ever wish that on anyone.

You need to face the fact that Wes and I are in a committed relationship. We are a team. As a team, I will be willing to help you in any way that I can. That does not mean that I am willing to leave Ian. I am not going to give up on someone who means the world to me. Ian and I deserve to be happy. Somehow we found each other and I think we did for a reason.

Well, I think I have said everything I needed to say. I have refrained for so long because I didn’t want to upset you or Ian. And if you are still reading this, I just want to leave by saying that I really, really do love Wes. I am not the disgusting human being that you perceive me to be…if you knew me, you would realize that (not that I expect you to ever get it). I would really like to make peace with you. I would really like you to accept the fact that Wes and I are happy together…if not for everyone involved, at least for Wes. If you love him as much as you say you do, then bottom line you would want him to be happy. He is expressed his happiness with me…he has told you that he is happy.