Angel is Silent...

Because of recent happenings...this page is done.

No longer will I express myself on here -- because frankly I've said everything I need to say to Wes-- everything that I need to say to Wes I've said to his face, and I've got nothing but slammed doors....

You win...you both win...

The audacity that you have to send me an email, send me a message, a novel...whatever you want to call it...is unbelieveable. You have thoughts, and you are upset....and I respect that...however, I don't care. You sent that to me less than a day after one of my good friends passes away, and Im grieving. If you claim to care as much as you say that you do in that memoir, then you wouldn't have done that.

I have nothing to say to you -- I don't contact you, and just because you read this -- well thats your own choice.

Never in my life, have I been placed in this position. The position where I have to challenge my own feelings, and my own sanity...because of someone else trying to feel better about her actions.

You made me feel like a horrible person, you made me feel like I have no right to talk to Wes, and that I have no right to feel the way I do. In the middle of all of this, you did the one thing that you secretly, deep down wanted to do....

...You got rid of me.

He tells me day after day that you will understand if he goes to my treatments with me, that you will be ok with him holding my hand through things....and the bottom line is ...you feel threatened...and you won't be ok...cause you wouldn't have written that message if you were ok with it.

Well --- enjoy dealing with him, dealing with the fact that because of YOU he is no longer going to be in my life. As much as you don't think he loves me or cares about me...he does..and he is going to be upset...or I mean , at least thats what he makes me think ...that if I stop talking to him, he will be upset. So have fun dealing with that.

You win -- Im waving the white flag....

Its over...and because Im sick and dealing with so much -- I have to put my heart on hold right now, I have to focus on living, because if there is even the faintest chance that I will ever love again, Im not going to let YOUR ego and YOUR insecurity stop me from that...

Im better than that, Im better than you...Im better than this disease

Angel wants to be with the Angels

I have reached that point in life, that happens at different times...some people are 80 yrs old when they toss in the towel..I am just rounding my 22 birthday and its time.

I just lost the one person who understood what I was going through, cause its what she was going through. Despite everything she was strong, and happy and delightful to be around; because she has people that care about her...Ryan would have died for her...he would do anything, and it helped her along.

Last night, I went and saw her, and we talked and out of nowhere she mentions that I am lucky to have Wes in my life, cause he cares about me, and wants to see me get better, and that she can't wait to meet him and talk to him , and she is convinced that him and Ryan will get along...

That is never going to happen. She died last night at around 1:30am; and I dismissed myself, left the house, paid my respects where due...and left.

I drove for what seemed like hours, to some pub in Hamilton, and just drank --- its sad that happened, and I regret it...

And then...I called Wes...he told me he would be there for me, he told me he would help me through ti all...and he abandoned me...I could barely see cause I felt like the whole world was crumbling around me...and all I wanted was to get lost in his arms...and he wouldn't. He couldn't...because of you.

Now, for some reason, he turned into this gigantic asshole the second he sees you...yelling at me telling me all sorts of stuff...when before that...all he is saying is that he can't tell you to go home cause you drove so far...and that he loves me and all that stuff and that he wants to come over but he can't cause you were coming over...

YES THAT IS WHAT HE SAID.

He loves me, he cares about me -- and he is scared..but because of you...I spent my night, in grief , alone in the bathroom crying, and being sick and wanting to kill myself because I can't wrap it around my head WHY he is being this way. He is scared that I am going to die, and leave him alone...well newsflash, thats what happened to Tasha and its a reality...it sucks but its a reality.

I needed him last night, and because of you ...it didn't happen.

I have been civil up until now, I have dealt with all of this, and just been more upset then words can say...until now. Until now officially I have lost the one person that knew what I was going through. Im not losing another..

This man has helped me through hard times, and we have had some good times, and we have had some bad times -- but most of all, the most important thing, is that we love each other...

He hides shit from me...about you ...do you know that???..and then tells me about them later. Do you know that he tells me all sorts of things, about how its not going to work out, and that you're not his gf and all this ...yes..that was recently.

You have no idea what it is like to deal with this...none...and don't try and play friend in all of this...because I don't give a shit.

Im his last call of the night, Im the person he thinks about all the time, and Im the one that he loves...

Like I said before...you are a welcome distraction to a reality that he doesn't want to face...and I understand that cause I don't want to face it either, but when shit hits the fan it stinks...
I was just starting Chemo...confident that surgery was the next step and that he would be there for me through all of it...and you fucked it up.

He is the one person in my life that I need right now...please don't take that away from me...I'll be gone in three months...can't u just wait until then...can't you be understanding until then...

Let me die in peace, believing that he loves me, even if it is a lie...


I just want this all to be done with ....I'll trade with you Tasha...she deserves this life more than I do -- she has more people that need her...

I want one person in my life -- and he can't deal with me being sick...and that hurts more than anything...more than Cancer...more than this whole situation...

It hurts too much...make it go away

Angel Hobbles...

Even unshaven...shirt on backwards lol...I see him in all his glory...and I see him for my rock and my angel through this...

This is going to be harder than I thought -- but I figure eventually I will have no strength left to do anything but smile...and deep down I will always still love him

But -- as long as he is happy...

Thats the story Im going to keep telling myself...thats what Im gonna tell myself everyday -- cause eventually I'll start to believe it...no matter how much it hurts...

On a side note...

I hope you got what you wanted...I hope its worth it to you...I hope your fucking happy...

...and by the way...the whole world doesn't give a shit what you say...cause the only thing the world sees you as..is someone who would rather see someone with a terminal illness cry herself to sleep and blame herself every waking minute for him leaving her...because she is sick...

However, because anybody else who is healthy is better than me right now...I forgive him...but I don't forgive you...because if you "loved him" so much you would realise that he needs to be with me...to help me through this...

You are a welcome distraction to the reality that is life...NOTHING MORE

Remember -- 6yrs vs 3 weeks...you've got nothing...

:(

This has officially been the worst night so far...

The past three weeks or so...have been the worst for sickness..and I thought that last night was bad...but tonight...

I just needed to get it out...and I felt bad for calling Wes in the middle of the night...and now its just me and my thoughts curled into a ball...in my bed..alone

I dunno what to do about this, its just nausea and it feels like someone is turning me inside out..

Ugh...

:(

Angel Thanks you...

I will not force you to make a decision...

I will not put you in this place anymore...


Im sorry....


Thank you for everything....everything you do, and everything you are going to do...

Thank you

Angel is finished...

So, this has been my safe haven through everything, and I spilled my heart and soul out into these posts, and I find out that I have been violated, and I have been hung out to dry by someone who I care about the most.

I hope that you read everything that you needed to, everything that made you feel like a better person for being with him, and everything that you needed to hold as Ammo in this whole thing.

You have seen me -- and you don't even know me. You have one up on this whole thing, and frankly I hope you use it well, because frankly, the way things are going, I won't be around much longer, so Im glad that you feel satisfied with what you've done...

I don't know why he told you about this ...I don't know what he wanted to accomplish, but you defenitely accomplished one thing by posting here -- me having absolutely no respect for you. This is none of your business -- and even if he tries to make it your business, its not. Back off, you don't know what its like, you won't know whats it like....and realise that 6 yrs of history with someone beats 3 weeks...learn to like it....because unless this Cancer gets me first...Im not going anywhere.

Deal with it.

Horrible Angel

I feel like such a bad person...

Im horrible...causing stress in other people's lives...Im such a bad person and Im so selfish...Wes is so happy with me not in his life, and then becasue I can't deal with things on my own -- I have to involve him....

I feel horrible...

:(

Angel wears a mask...

Things happen in life that we have full control over and other things we have only a little control over...our feelings however, we have no control over...


Every day we see people walking,
people conversing,
and people interacting;
what we don't see is who they really are,
all we see is who they want us to see,
we see their mask!
well this is my mask,

: and this is who I really am

Don't worry about me man, I'm fine,
: I am so torn up inside I don't even know how to tell anyone

Today was a good day,
: I was able to hide behind my "confidence" today, I don't think anyone noticed how messed up this really is making me

Ya, ur right his loss!
: I could hear this all day long, but it doesn't make my pain go away, but maybe agreeing w/ u will make u stop talking to me about it

No man, trust me there is no going back, he had his last shot
: I want to be strong, like I have been in the past, but I miss him so much if he came up to me right now I would probably throw it all out the window and take him back

Ya, I didn't even think about him that much today,
: I laid in my bed last night thinking about him for hours b4 I fell asleep, every thought that goes through my head is about him, why did he do this?

Nah man, don't worry about me, I'll bounce back,
: This is gonna send me into a downward emotional spiral, I feel sorry for any guy that crosses my path in the next couple months, for I will probably only be trying to hurt him to compensate for how much pain this is causing me

I walk with a strut, not snobby, but defiantly confidant; and I do all this to hide who I am, I do this to protect myself. I don't want anyone to see how fragile I really am, how much I really hurt inside. I also don't want anyone to see how happy the make me, I don't want them to know how much they can hurt me; I don't want u to know how powerful you really are.

Happy Anniversary Angel

...so today ( or yesterday in real time) would have been Wes and I's fourth year together. April Fools Day. How fitting.

I told him how I felt on Friday night, I told him everything, and I looked into his eyes and saw the man that I love...and he was scared. He knew that he had hurt me, and he didn't know how to fix it...

Im so angry with him for making me feel this way...like, I haven't eaten since this happened, the most I've had is a friggin banana...and I mean Im losing weight which is a good thing, but the worst part about it...is that I tell someone that Im dying...and that the Cancer has spread...and all he can say is that " he can't deal wtih this right now"

Un-fucking-believeable....

The saddest part about all of this, is that he is in a relationship now...a full blown relationship WITH THIS CHICK HE HAS KNOWN FOR LIKE A MONTH, AND HE DUMPED ME LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AGO. Yeah , I know...A RELATIONSHIP...

FUck that, Fuck you...I hope againest all hopes that I don't succumb to this disease, but I swear to God, if I do...and if it ends....I hope that he feels he is making the right decision...that leaving me to fend for myself is right...cause I need him alot right now...and he just abandoned me...ABANDON.

Christ -- I love him so much, I cannot explain it....

I wish he just loved me back...and just came over and kissed me and told me how much he loved me back and can't live without me...


Oh wait a minute...I forgot....


We don't live in a perfect world... :(