Angel's Tribute

To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times.

This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is a homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention.

This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds‿. This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed.

This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone.

This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup.

This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear.

This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisfied with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mind games, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth?

And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take.You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express.

Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congratulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other and that silly race to watch...

Here's to all those girls who used to be his number one.
The one's who waited all night for him to call, only to check their
caller ID the next morning to be disappointed.
The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried their own tears, and moved on with life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened.Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, "I only want to be your friend", one day,and the next, listened to him say how much he "loves and misses you"

We deserve something, and this is our tribute:

Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change.
We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught crap from our parents, and even snuck around to see him for while.We went through the great stage with no fights all over again.We started this out thinking you'd be just friends and ended up falling in love with him all over again.We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time.And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming.

This is for us;

Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days.Here's for the tears cried and dried all over again.
We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy,
he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early.We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to SETTLE for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated.

Here's to the one's who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn't see us today.The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again.


Here's to the girls who couldn't cry to their friends because of how
stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. This is for the ones who couldn't bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an "I told you so." The ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, and their dreams again. We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved to be like that.

Here's for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave a crap about them. Here's for the time that he broke your heart again.This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears,
and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment.
Here's for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better.
This is for those confusing days, when you miss him
and want nothing more than to hear his voice
or feel his arms around your waist.

Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass
sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt.Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that.
When "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station.
When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake
he made and tries calling, turn your phone off.
When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door.

Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where he was.Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to.

One day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry.You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It's gonna hurt alot, and it's going to take time to heal, but the point is, it will.



~~**~~It's just sad that I want him...and I can't have him...and it may be too late when he realises he's made a huge mistake~~**~~

So...

So, I don't know if Im ever going to be ok with all of this...I don't know when, or where or with whom Im going to get over this...but I hope to god I do. Im a mess. I wish that he didn't have to move on so quickly...and I wish that I could just kiss him and we could fool around like before...instead of him fooling around with other people.

I guess...Im going to wait...not intentionally...but wait.

Im having surgery to get this god-forbidden Cancer shit out of my leg -- cause frankly, despite how strong I pretend to be, I can't do it alone...and that's what I am...is alone...and I cannot and willnot do this alone...so Im getting rid of it as quick as possible, because it has forced me to lose all the people that I care about. I knew that this Cancer was going to be the end of me. I lost Wes. As much as Im not angry with him...but I am...Im angry cause he broke up with me...and hates me. Im also angry that he just leaves me ...in the middle of my treatments..I mean I know, its not his fault...and I know that he didn't leave me on purpose...I just ...I feel like now, no matter what he says about how he cares about me with this cancer...I find it hard to believe him...becaue he left me.

Now, I don't want him to stay just because Im sick...that would be wrong...but hey...right now, through this, Im selfish...and I want him here.

Im so much better than this new chick...I am...I don't care what he says...he knows it too...

**thats just what Im going to tell myself to get through the day**

I can't lie anymore...

I can't lie anymore...

I can't pretend that I don't need Wes in my life right now. I just spent the last 4 hrs of my life, sitting in the hospital, trying to explain to them that I was ok, after I passed out at work. Yeah -- wow, way to get the rumor mill going at work. Im so excited.

I don't even know whats wrong with me...they don't even know...they just took some blood, and checked me in...and then when I was ok, and not demanding that I talk to Wes...and that he needed to be there...they let me go home.

I cannot do this on my own...its only day two of my treatment cycle again, and Im sick, and can't think and this Cancer is eating me alive.

How can one person, who doesn't love me, and doesn't want to be with me, make me feel like this. I don't care if everyone in the world knew that I was sick......I don't care if it was top story on the headline news....and people were coming from all around...I love him so much...that it wouldn't matter...

I hate that riht now, he could be with someone else, he prolly is with someone else...and I mean that should be my hint...he's shacking up with someone else...touching someone else..spending time with someone else...shouldn't that tip me off?? Sadly, I just love him so much I just don't care. Im numb...


I don't know what to do right now....I don't know how to proceed....

...Im never going to be good enough for him.....


...and that hurts me more than this Cancer.

Say It isn't so...

Just thinking about Wes with someone else makes me ill...




I didn't think I was that easy a person to get over...


I guess.....


I guess...I must have been wrong... :(

Life ain't Always Beautiful

The most ironic part of this whole situation....the worst part about all of this...is that all I want to do is get better, and all I want to do is be healthy...and I felt really happy with Wes...felt like I was important , like I was wanted ...by someone...like he was the one that was going to help me through all of this...and I love him so much that I would help him through anything just to know that if I needed him to come help me out, needed him to come and hug me on a bad day...that he would be there.


...I went through alot, I didn't take care of my body cause I was trying to take care of my mind...and in fighting all my demons, my body suffered and now Im fat and ugly and a slob...and Wes is off with some blonde having a good time. People say that you know what, if he is with her, and he likes skinny girls, and he can't love you for who you are then fuck him...You know what's funny about that whole thing...is that you never see fat girls saying that...its always skinny, pretty girls with boyfriends or fiancee's who have no fucking clue what its like.

I have waited, I have put in my time, I have done everything for this man...and in repayment I get the boot...telling me Im not good enough...

I don't even know what to do about my treatments, I mean Im still going, and Im going to go till this is beat...but I mean I want to tell him, cause he told me he wants to know about it all...I mean he could be lying...but I dont want to tell him about it, cause Im scared that will scare him away...I mean it already has...I don't want to be the one that he talks about later, and he looks back on...I want to be the one that he is with, the one that he shares the good times with, the fun times with...

I cannot do this. Its not fair to me. Now that he is getting settled , and moving out, and happy....Im told to leave. Its not fair. I have put too much into this relationship ....its not fucking fair.Despite everything that has happened, I have loved him unconditionally...everytime I think about him I get that feeling, and I love him so fucking much. Its not fair.

Fuck you cancer. Fuck you fat. Fuck you everything that is a fucking flaw with me. Fuck you cancer for making me lose the most important thing in my life. FUCK YOU

Things happen in 3's....

One:
My mother, on friday morning, I caught her drinking...she is supposed to be recovering.

Two:
Go to work, get a call from the dr....not good news...test results are back, adn me prolonging treatments has hurt me more than I can detail

Three:
Wes tells me that he doesn't love me, doesn't want to marry me, and thats that.


I don't know what is worse about these three things, the fact that they all happened on the SAME DAY WITHIN 5 hrs of each other, or the fact that I dealt with them by drinking and taking sleeping pills to ease the pain.

I dont know if I can do all this. Do you have any idea how much this hurts me?? Any idea how each one of these things has ripped my heart apart.

No matter what Wes has ever done for me, I took it...cause I loved him. I love him. But the funny part is, is that even after everything, Im not good enough.

He says that he doesn't want to be in my life...I dont know what to do. Im going through the motions of life, day by day, and yet its all a blur and all I can think about it him. Its only been 3 days...but christ I can't do it. I love him so much I cannot describe it. I mean I actually was happy, and despite no matter how much I bitch, or how much I was so angry...I wasn't. I was just ...I dunno what.

I don't like this. At all.

On a better note I guess...

I signed a contract with my dr's that states that I cannot drink, or take pills to elleviate my emotional pain, and I have to go to sessions three times a week, or they terminate my treatment...again.

I don't know why losing Wes made me do this, but on Saturday morning, I woke up, got dressed, went straight to Juravanski and spoke with my nurse and did it all on Saturday.

It also prolly had something to do with the fact that my mother is drinking again, and I don't want to end up like her. Missing my children's childhood cause Im too drunk to realise what is going on.

This isn't fair. I cannot do this alone. I pretend that I can..but I can't. My parents aren't talking to me cause of this whole thing with my mom, and me screaming at my dad and my sister for not keeping tabs on her. My friends, they know that Im sick..but they don't know much and they are there for me, but there is just something about knowing that you have a man to cuddle up with in bed when you need it....

Dammit this really hurts...I dare you...

...Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you. I just hope that you will realise that this is a mistake, and you know that I will treat you better than anyone. I can make you happy. I just have to deal with this cancer...and then...when thats gone....Maybe only then...


I guess everything happens for a reason...and I sure as hell didn't meet Wes and fall in love with him for NO reason...


:(