This is my lame attempt at letting him know how I feel....
Ive lost..Ive realised...Im selfish and just want him for myself, and in my effort to do that, I have lost him...
He loves her...and wants to be with her...and Im alone now...I gave him a deadline of Friday, December 1, 2006 to be 100% completely wholly honest with me . Its 225am and Im posting on here and I just took a shitload of painkillers..so you can imagine how that went...
Here --- Take a minute to read my lame ass attempt at a life...I promise you will feel so much better about yourself...its a guranteed self esteem booster knowing that you don't lower yourself to nothing just to be with someone you love...
Christ this sucks...
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OK so I told you last night about your deadline; and you got angry..telling me that I was manipulating you. That is not at all what I want to do with you. I'm just trying to protect myself from even more heartbreak. You hold the record right now, for hurting me more than anyone....and I want that to stop. I know that you are single, I get that. Its not something that I love right now...because you are so good to me and I want to be able to have you all my own...but you don't want that.
The deadline still stands though. If you think that I'm lying, or that I don't really mean it...well then think again. Ive told you in the past to make a decision...and you get all angry and tell me that's not possible...and then we continue talking. Not this time. You want to know why this time is different?
Well ---- You did shit with her last time you saw her...which I cannot begin to tell you how much that pains me to hear....but you still had that infection...and you were nice enough to NOT give it to her...so I know that you didn't sleep together. Now -- you are fine, nothing is wrong with you...so this upcoming time...well...you are going to sleep with her....if you haven't already. I try to believe you when you tell me these things...but there is no way that you can come back from seeing her this time and convince me otherwise.
So -- the deadline still stands. And the worst part about it , is that you tell me to have high confidence and believe in myself and everything, yet you would rather be with someone whom you see once in a blue moon....someone who obviously is better than I am. How am I supposed to be completely happy all the time, and have a high confidence level, when some chick who live 6 fucking hours away means more to you than I do.
If seeing her, and sex with her is more important that me...then fine. Just tell me that...Cause I'm so completely and utterly exhausted from all of this, and I'm sure you are too. As much as you don't want to admit it, you are dating two women. You are dating me emotionally and sometimes physically, and you are doing the same with her. The difference between the two of us, is that she is older, and better than I am; and I'm weak and in pain and have cancer and am only 21. I guess if you need someone with no drama in her life, then be with her. But -- this Cancer is who I am right now, and I'm sorry if you don't like that. I don't know what else to say.
I cannot continue to pretend that I don't love you, or that I don't care about you, or the fact that all I want to do is be with you. I cannot pretend that you talking to her and seeing her and spending time with her doesn't bug me. If you were JUST friends as you claimed to be so many times, then that would be different -- but you are not.
I'm really weak right now, physically and emotionally, and I have my own inner demons dealing with this cancer and dealing with everything else in my life right now. I need to have someone there for me...and you are there for me...you are more supportive then I could have asked for...and I appreciate that more than words can express...its just I miss you.
I can't force you to love me, and I can't force you to not see her. I guess I'm just hoping that our friendship/relationship that we have is worth a tiny bit more than sex with someone else. I have all these thoughts about why you took this step with her, why you decided to be intimate with her, and to be this way with her. To see what else is out there probably??? You wanted to make sure that you were entitled to someone who was gorgeous and awesome and a strong women, and not doomed to be with the old me....but there is a new me now...someone who has been through more than her share of drama in the last 21years and this is the final test....and you deserve only the best, and I believe that when I beat this...I will be the best...its just a matter of time.
On the other hand -- if you can't wait to see her, and she truly makes you happy and you smile and laugh with her, and you feel the same way about her, that you did with me when we first started dating....then be a man and tell me you never want to see me again...I would rather never talk to you again then know that you and her are together.
I'm sorry about all of this, if I could make it go away I would -- but my feelings and how much I love you will not change right now.
You have until Friday at midnight to let me know what you have decided.....I'm 100% serious about this. If you aren't honest with me, and you can't tell me what you decide....then I will go to drastic measures to make sure that you don't talk to me again. If it means I have to sleep with other men to get over you then fine, if it means changing my cell phone number then fine. You have this wonderful power over me that makes me tend to not go through with what I mean when I threaten you....but I swear 100%...if you can't tell me how you feel about her, and what you want with her...and what you want with me...then I will never speak with you again.
I hate it -- I hate that it has to come to this, I was completely fine with our arrangement of talking and sleeping together and you just talking to her. But now, she knows you more...I'm sure you made her feel so good doing what you do, cause you are good at it...so unless you have told her that you aren't dating, then I'm sorry...I can't do this anymore. I stay up at night, thinking and crying my eyes out , wondering what she has that I don't ...because as much as you have never had heartbreak before...it hurts like hell. Constantly wondering how someone can just stop loving you...and start loving someone else.
I'm doing this now , because ...I know you. I know that when you have your own place , she will be going there to see you....and that's just too much for me.
I love you so much babe, I can't explain it. And if you have any love for me at all -- you would realise that I need you to do this for me. I need you to just break this thing that we have before it affects me even more. I need you to actually sit and realise what it is that you are doing with two women's hearts...and which one you want to be in. You cannot be in both -- I mean I will always love you of course ,and you have been my angel through all of this, but ...I just can't .....
I love you -- and I wish that we could be just friends -- but you know , as I do, that's not going to happen.
I'm sorry for all of this, and I wish I didn't have to be like this, but I'm so hurt, and so tired ---that the only way for me to beat this cancer is to deal with this right now. I don't have the strength otherwise, and I'm just going to be battling this thing forever, until it fully and completely swallows me whole...and I don't want that to happen.
So -- you have until Friday, to make your decision....and I know that this is in bad character, and its not fair to you...but babe, life isn't fair. If it was I wouldn't be sick right now, and I wouldn't be in so much pain...and you and I would still be together, dealing with this together.....be a man and hurt me once and for all if need be. Tell me you want to be with her...and then its all done with. You can breathe a sigh of relief...and not have to hide things anymore.
I cannot and will not continue to just pretend that there is not someone else in your life. That you don't feel all happy and get butterflies when you talk to her...
Of everything that we have been through, and everything that has affected me so, knowing that someone else is getting to rub you and get to feel you...just makes me sick.
I was sitting in my appointment today realising what it is that I want with my life. I'm ready to get this all started. To be that woman that I've been waiting to be...and I want you to be there for all of that. I want you to be in my life. I don't NEED you in my life...I WANT you in my life. Its two different things. I'm ready to fight this thing head on, with all my strength. I'm ready to walk out of this with high hopes and a stronger soul and ready to be healthy and happy and love everyone with more genuine love then ever before(if that is even possible..lol) . A women that I have sessions with just went into remission...and she was telling me that the best feeling ever, is knowing that you can continue your old life, with a regenerated soul and happier outlook on life. That you can love those that you love even more than you ever thought possible, and that you can look at everything you do in life, to be a blessing not a burden like she used to before. I can't wait for that!
I love you more than anything in the entire world....and if you loved me too you would just do this for me. Just choose.
Have a safe drive home babe, and I hope that your work day went well.
Jacs
AKA Bolgona
