*stunned*

I dont like her.

I love him.

I dont like him talking to her.

I love him.

It makes me ill.

On top of treatments, and everything, Im already feeling nauseous...but this whole situation just makes me ill too. Im an idiot though -- cause I keep it going.....

Whatever...I can't do it anymore...

Angel???

So...I dunno what it is...I dunno what set me off today...

But I feel so utterly useless....I mean I go to work, I come home, I chat online for a bit with Wes...and then I try and sleep...doesn't happen..wake up late..rush to work and the cycle starts again.

I really just want to be happy, and yet everything that I do makes me unhappy. I don't get it. Im trying ot be strong for Wes so that he will remember why it was that he loved me and possibly be with me again...but I don't think that will happen as long as Im this way...and I dunno.

Im actually tired right now, and better go to bed...but I just want things to start picking up and I want to stop thinking about how the world is going to be without me...I don't want to leave my family...I don't want to leave my friends, and my fish and Roxie...
I can't leave Wes...

*sigh* Im tired and I just want my emotional rollercoaster with him to stop...I just want him to say either "Im with her" or "Im with you" or "Fuck you I don't want to talk to you again".

I never understood love until now, until I can't have it...and everyone around me can...

I wish you could find it somewhere in your heart...to look this girl in the eyes and just tell her that you love her ....

Wishes are meant to be granted god dammit....and I've made a hell of enough of them for some of them to start coming true...

So far I've got a running tally....for 45days now...every single night...

..I have cried before going to bed...before I shut my eyes and try to forget about everything that is going on...I cry...cause I miss me...and I miss my relationship with Wes...and I miss being thin...and I miss people caring...

...dammit right now Im crying...

I try to tell myself that just having someone to love me will be enough....I guess this is why Im lucky that I have Wes... and not some physically abusive psycho-path....cause then I would be screwed...because as Wes knows, I would do absolutely anything for him...cause he holds the power. He holds the key to my happiness. Cause my happiness, is when Im able to make other people happy...and then they in turn give me praise and it somehow validates me...

Weird eh?

I wish the best for everyone in my life...I love nothing more than a good laugh with a friend, or to see a big smile on the face of one of the people that means the most to me...and Im sure they wish me the same...however the difference between them and me...

...I just want to get better. And have someone love me, and tell me they love me, and tell me how beautiful my eyes are, and stroke my head and tell me it will be ok..and let me cry into their shirt and not care...

...I want to have the job and the house and the car and the man who loves me and lives with me and we have a partnership , a relationship where we aren't perfect, but we are equal.

...I want to get married and be alone with him for some time, until we both decide that kids are the right thing; and then have the most beautiful children and be happy and have a big dog.

...I want to have wedding anniversary's, I want to have birthdays, I want to explore the world with someone that I love by my side to experience it all with me. I want someone to always kiss me goodnight.

...I want to live till my 22nd birthday and to Wes's birthday and hopefully for many birthdays and Christmas's and anniversary's and new years and everything; so that I can continue to dream all these wonderful things and stop worrying if Ive been a good enough person in this life and stop worrying about who cares about me and just trust people.

...I want to be an Angel, looking over my friends and family and those I care about the most, making them know that I care about them and I love them and Im so proud of everything that they do...

...I want to be happy...


Is that too much too ask????

100 Angels

So..this is the 100th post for me ...and to be honest with you...when I started this I was in a bad place in my life...and I can't say that Im any better right now..

This whole disease has taken me by the throat and controls every part of me. My emotions, my physical well-being, my attitude...everything.

Im a jealous person. Im jealous all the time. Why? Cause I guess Im upset that Im not good enough. Im upset that nothing I can ever do will be good enough for anyone. As I write this, Wes is on the phone with her....and I hate it.

I 100% times w38423o482038402834 hate it. I would rather him not talk to either of us, then talk to her. I can't do it anymore. ...and I know I keep saying that, but sometimes I wonder when it will actually sink it. When I will just say enough is enough...and move on.....maybe when the time comes in Sept to forgive everyone I hold grudge againest, and to get it all out there before its too late. Maybe then I will let it go.

I guess I just dont understand the age old question: What does she have that I don't?

Cancer.

There it is...there is the kicker...not only am I fat and ugly, but I have cancer.

Wonderful. I dunno...

I think that I would just rather take the abuse and take the heartbreak and take everything and just deal with the fact that he has feelings for someone else...just to live in my dillusioned world.

I need someone else...I need to be able to talk to someone else, to call someone else up and have them lie with me, and just let me cry and let it all out.

I know that Wes cares for me...I know he does...but its not enough...Im selfish...I want him all to myself...

I hate this. I hate me. I hate her. I hate you.


ugh

Single Angel

So...for the first time...in 3 almost 4 years...Im the only one of my friends that doesn't have someone as a 'boyfriend'. I mean -- I have Wes...and he is there for me more than anyone could ever imagine, and I love him like a boyfriend, and I love him more than anyone ....but I feel awkward calling him and being all lovey dovey with him...when I feel like he doesn't want to be all lovey dovey with me.

Its stupid. I know. But I just told my friends about everything...and I need them to be here for me in my time of need...but its just bad timing....cause they are just starting their relationships with their men...they are gonna feel that love and excitement and wonderfulness (lol if that is a word) as I do everytime I talk to Wes...its just they are gonna be treated wonderful and going to be given the world ...cause they are better than me.

Susan is better than me...
JQ is better than me...
Laurie is better than me...

...and I have to accept that. These people are all better than I am..and deserve more than I do...because thats just how life goes. The pretty and thin and wonderful people always get the world...and when all I want is to be able to wake up beside someone and smile and just be happy that someone loves me...its just not gonna happen. I have lost the one man that I have loved...someone whom I actually could look to the future and see him by my side no matter waht...because Im an idiot....and I can't get past the jealously and the envy of everyone who has someone who completes them..... I guess this cancer is supposed to make me a better person, make me dig deep down into myself and find who I am..and find why I am here....and make me love myself inside and out...no matter whose standards I can't live up too.

I guess Im at a crossroads really... I mean I would do anything and everything for Wes..and I know that he would do the same for me...but its hard. ...cause he is confused about life, and Im not making it fair for him..Im not being a good friend by letting him life his life and be happy. I made him choose. And I shouldn't. I want him to be happy...and if him being truly happy...means not having me in his life as someone he loves...then so be it. I need to grow up and face the music. I need to realise that I could be alone for the rest of my life. I could never have another person to share those mornings with, to roll over too and just stare at and smile because they are just so incredibly perfect and I love every inch of their body...and you might be asking yourself...well the rest of your life...I mean thats a long time...It could be or it couldn't be. Not just because Im sick, but because of life in general.

My only regret in life thus far, is that I didn't push you away. That I didn't blame you for all my shortcomings and make you deal with my issues that I was too cowardice to confront.

You are my rock. You are my angel. You are my hero ; saving me from all of this and reminding me that I have reasons to beat this and to live. Because of you , I am entirely grateful and will do anything. If you want me to let you go...just never bother you about being there for me in ways that you might feel uncomfortable...never think of you as someone who might love me 'that' way...then just say the words and I will do it. I owe you much more than that...this is just the start.

My only wish....is that someone will be able to look at me...just for me...when I wake up...when Im sick, when Im in a bad mood...and tell me that Im beautiful and that they want to spend the rest of their life with me...

...I guess before I do that...I have to learn to love myself....

...so thats gonna be a long time coming....

********************************************

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

No life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life dont work that way


But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

Angel says 'This Sucks'

This sucks...

This whole situation just sucks complete and utter ass.

I cannot get visuals out of my head...and I cannot stop thinking about how much I want to just hold him and have him hold me and it all be ok.

I cannot stop wanting to rub him and his head and his neck and feel his warm body beside me.

This fucking sucks.

If I could do anything...absolutely anything...I would...I would do whatever it takes just to get him back to what it was...anything...

I think im gonna go in for surgery....

I dunno yet I haven't decided...



This fucking sucks. All of it.


Christ, I love him so much....its just not good enough...


Nothing is good enough...for him, for anyone...and now I have cancer and that makes me double not good enough...super 100% not good enough for anyone to love me anymore...

This fucking sucks

Angel is Exhausted

So I'm absolutely and utterly exhausted. As I am writing this , I am lying in bed barely able to type cause I am so exhausted. I kinda did a stupid thing last night. I got some news on Wednesday, and for some reason, it didn't set in until yesterday, when I told Wes...and I said it so non-chalantly...but then that is when it set in. I freaked, I needed to leave, so I did and I drove. I was driving and I had no idea where I was going. So I started at the beginning....

I went to the place where I had my first kiss with Travis...and I sat there and realized how much I missed him and how it was a horrible thing for him to be taken from this world at such a young age. He was my first kiss...and I miss him. Surprisingly enough right beside where we had our first kiss...was the first time I met Wes. It was where we worked, and where I fell in love with him...and I didn't even know it.

Its funny how news of certain things, like possibly a timeline of how long you have to live, can effect one person so much. After the park, I went to the Hamilton hospital and just sat there, worried that my anger and me being scared would have me do something that I wouldn't be proud of. I sat in the parking lot for a good hour, and then realized that I had to keep moving. I was so worried that I was going to miss everything...miss...I dunno what I would miss...just miss everything....and It scared me...I started driving toward Wes's house and realized that I was not wanted there...after last night...after what he did...he wouldn't want me around. But I just didn't know where else I was going. I just started making turns and I found myself lost, sitting in a shady church parking lot, calling Wes cause I was lost.

I"m an idiot. I don't know what I wanted from him. Maybe some comfort, maybe a hug knowing that he loves me...I don't know...but it was awkward to say the least. I was in the weirdest mood, and the weirdest state of mind, and the only person I could think of running too...doesn't love me.

There is no turning back, I"m in this for the long haul...and although I have my parents, and there is support...I"m so alone.

And I"m so scared...and all I wanted was him to hold me and tell me he loved me and tell me that everything is going to be ok....

...but that's his job with someone else now...and it hurts so much.

I"m having physical reactions to my emotional trauma...and I feel so helpless and stupid, and just plain weak.

But I do have one last thing to say about all this...

I will always love you,
I will always think of you when times are bad and I need a pick me up,
I will always wish you the best in everything that you do,

...and I will always be jealous of the women that you are with...because you are the best and most handsomest and most beautiful inside and out that I have ever met...

You are my best friend, my first true love, and no matter where I end up this time next year...

....I will love you forever and ever...






I have just shed some more tears, not the last , but the last for today at least, and I"m getting ready to nap. I still am blurry a little, and I haven't eaten yet...but slowly I"m going to be able to pick myself up and come to terms with everything. Its going to be hard...its going to be not fun...but I have to do it...I know I have too...I just hope that my body agrees with me...

Im sorry...

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

(Not seeing that loving you)
That’s what I was trying to doI can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

(Not seeing that loving you)
That’s what I was trying to do

Angel has Cancer

So in case you haven't realised ...I have cancer.

Im dying. My leg is rotting....and I can't get better until I get rid of this fucking infection that YOU gave me.

The funniest thing about all this, is that no matter how sick I am, or how much I hate you...I love you 39808430984 times more...and I shouldn't.

Why shouldn't I love you???

BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING LIAR.

I had a dream about you two last night, and I always wonder why I dream about you guys. And the funniest thing is , that every time I dream about you guys....you are with her. I thought it was weird why you were calling me in the morning....asking me whats up
I thought it was weird why you were so quick to volunteer information about what you were doing tonight...
I REALLY thought it was weird, when I messaged you and you didn't answer, or call me like you normally do.
I knew you were with her when I got a phonecall from my old roomate Jennifer asking me if I was in Oshawa with you.
I knew you were with her when my heart sunk and I realised where she works...

You just keep lying to me...well you know what...now is my turn to lie...

1) Im fine, I will be better with this Cancer; the doctor didn't tell me today that nothing is working and that I have to decide on stronger chemo or surgery and learn how to walk again.
2) I don't love you more and more each time I talk to you, or see you.
3) I love when you lie to me about her
4) I completely trust you cause you never lie to me
5) I compeltely understand what you see in her cause she isn't me and she isn't fat and she is so much better than me...and I see all that.
6) I have so many reasons to live .....
7) I don't have a problem with alcohol or pills....
8) You will love me again...


There are my lies...I've put them on the table, what else do you need to lay out there?????

Im so weak and so useless and so horrible to myself that I deserve it all...and the worst part about this, is that Im just gonna keep letting you do this to me...why you askk...because Im weak and I dont think anyone else iwll love me...and I would rather have love some of the time....and know that maybe someone could see that Im beautiful...rather than have no one.....

Im in so much pain right now....and you are loving every minute of it.


You make me sick that you could take advantage of me like this.
You could welcome me into your home again KNOWING that you were going to see her this week.

I FUCKING HATE YOU AND I HOPE THAT I DIE BEFORE I EVER SEE YOU WITH HER.

This is one of the first times in a long time that I have not wanted to get up in the mmorning..

I hate you