Broken Angel

So---

This is weird writing on here now, because now I know that you read it. Now I know that you know everything that I’m feeling or thinking about everything….

….but I bet you can’t fathom how much I love you right now. I bet you are sitting at home, reading this and worrying about me like the wonderful person you are…but not loving me.
….I bet that you are also thinking that if I don’t stop with all this that you are gonna get so angry and not talk to me…lol I know you so well…

…I love you so much and I want you to know that…I want you to know that because of you…I’m still here and kicking. I’m still fighting for my life, thinking that perhaps there might be a brief moment in your life that you look at me and think ‘Hey, I want to be with her for the rest of my life”.

But – I know that’s not going to happen until I’m skinny…maybe that’s the only good thing to come out of being sick…although it doesn’t’ seem to be working right now. I haven’ lost a pound which upsets me more than anything…isn’t that sick. I sit here and worry abut the fact that I cant lose weight, and yet I have cancer eating me up inside, cell by cell…and all I can think about is weight.

I wonder if there were so many things that I did differently, if you would still love me...

What if….
I never let that rape get a hold of me…and take me the way it did…then I never would have been depressed…and you never would have been depressed…and we would have been happy.
What if…
I had given you your space and you were able to live your life instead of take care of me…
What if…
I hadn’t been so reliable on you and I was my own woman and able to prove that I was independent to you…
What if…
You hadn’t felt the need to lie to me about her and feel the need to be close with someone else ….
What if…
I never got cancer and you stopped talking to me for good….
What if…
I was gone tmrw, would I have said all the things I needed to???
What if…
I was no more in your life….


What if…

Yeah I know this is depressing and I know that this isn’t something that you want to read…but I have a challenge for you.

Here it is….

IF you read this, and IF you care…I want you to think back…think back to when we were dating, think back to our first date at the drive-in…and think back to our first kiss….and just think…of how wonderful that was…and how happy you felt…and I want you to find it in your heart to possibly find a place for me again…a place where you can love me…and be with me…

….every time I think of that….it makes me cry, cause it’s a life that I miss so much…
Cause I remember seeing you in that truck when I opened the door, and I remember how you looked and how you smelt and what you were wearing…and I was instantly in love with you….

We were talking about dreams tonight, and what type of dreams I have …and I was lying in bed today, thinking about how tired I was and how exhausted I felt….and swearing to no one that if I didn’t get better, that I would go insane…and there are too many dreams that I am worried about that will not come true…dreams that were something that I have wanted since I was a little girl…dreams about marriage, and kids and a house and being in love….and you were in a lot of those dreams while we were together….I just hope that I can still see and make all those dreams come true…I hope that I can do all of that times 3298439842….hope that we can be bologna together…


….and the amount of love that I have for you…the amount of love for you in my heart….should be enough to kill this cancer...and should be enough to get me through all of this…

…but if it isn’t, and if I don’t win this whole thing…you need to know how much you mean to me and how much you are a driving factor in this girls life…


I love you.

Stupid STUPID Angel

So..

Im an idiot...I sit here and I think to myself..maybe Wes will come around, maybe he will realise that I love him so much and I can make him so happy...

...and Im wrong...u think that maybe it would take me...getting so sick and basically don't know how much longer I have to live....for him to realise how much I love him and maybe how much he could possibly care for me...but no...

...I feel so useless and so horrible...and so...used...i can't deal with it anymore...I sit around and take everyone's shit...no questions asked no nothing....fuck that...fuck everyone

All i ever wanted was to be loved....for someone to look at me and say that I complete them and they just want to spend the rest of their life with me....

...that may never happen....