Stupid STUPID Angel

So --- Im an idiot....for whatever reason, I seem to think that Wes and I can be friends with benefits...

The funny thing about all of this is the SEX is AMAZING!! I mean MINDBLOWING!!! I can't even explain , and Im sure no one wants to know, but seriously....its unbelievable...

I got home from the bar tonight, knowing that Wes has the day off tmrw, thinking that he is gonna come here after work and have a nice night...I had a shower, shaved my legs...the usual...and I just get a phone call saying that him and his buddy just finished chatting with some girls, and asking for numbers, and now they are going to the casino...

I got blown off for a large room full of addicts...I mean to be fair to him, we never realy set anything in stone, it was just an assumption, but ....I dunno I keep doing this to myself, and I keep getting my hopes up to see him, and it just doesn't happen. Sitting around all day after my treatments, all by myself, gets pretty lonely...I feel so stupid and inadequate while everyone else is working, and Im just sitting around doing SHIT ALL...

Ive been really sick recently from the treatments, last night I was gonna go to the ER, but decided againest it and fell asleep in a ball in the middle of my bed sicker than a dog....ugh

I don't know what to do about Wes...I mean i dont want to be like " Soo whats the deal with us?" cause I totally know that we are sleeping together, but relationship wise we are not good right now...we both know that...I just...

AHHHHHHHHH

Just took a Tylenol PM cause otherwise I'm gonna be up all night, thinking of what it is that I did wrong that just makes me so undesirably to NORMAL men...

I popped a pill, and popped in Newsies...should be interesting...

Still nothing on the job front, and Im starting to freak...this sucks :(

I bought a picture that says " Always kiss me goodnight".....thats my new rule...no matter what happens, whomever is in my bed....I must always get a kiss goodnight...its the only way to know that you are truly wanted in someone's life...

I have NEVER felt so stupid, unloved, sick and disgustingly lazy all at once like this before. I do NOT want to become a WELFARE case...I WILL not become a welfare case....I would rather starve...maybe it woul do something for my figure :P

This is prolly the most random grouping of thoughts right now...lol I have no idea...so many thoughts running through my head... *sigh*

Nauseated Angel

So I lost sleep all weekend...

and he says that he kissed her...

I don't know what to do...

He's not my property ...and we aren't dating...but

It makes me ill...I can't deal with it...

I hate him

...oh and to make matters worse...Im getting worse not better...dr's said im not making progress at all...

This sucks...

*****

So...

Im an idiot.

Wes went away to see her this weekend, and he says it was fully friendship only....

I don't believe it...I mean not that he has to justify himself to me or anything like that, but ...

This hurts so much...I mean when we broke up Iwas heart broken...but this...this is horrible. The whole situation that Im in, and I mean I dont want to pressure him into being with me...and I dont want him to be unhappy...but I totally thought that maybe we had a chance together again....

This hurts so much that sometimes I just wish I was dead.

I have no job.
No one that loves me.
No money.
Im overweight.
Im depressed.


...and now the one man that I have told everything too, and I have trusted my life with...is off with some woman gallavanting around ....I know he fooled around with her, I have this feeling...this gut feeling...and Im ususally right...

...this is horrible...



I can't do it
Its not fair

Its over.

I am the stupidest person in the entire world.


And Im a loser and a failure



I hate myself for loving Wes...and not being able to get over him


BLAH