Im stunned...
Stunned into tears and embarassment...
Stunned into loving someone that doesn't love me back...
Stunned into throwing myself at him just to feel loved again, if only for a brief moment...
Stunned into believeing that this disease is going to go away....cause its not...
I wish I was not stunned...
I wish I was in love...
...substitution sucks ass
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Friday, July 28, 2006
Angel losing MORE sleep..
Soooo its been a while since I have updated on here - Ive been busy with work and all..haven't been able to get a moment to the internet without everyone of my family lingering over me to see what Im doing. But that moment will soon change folks!!
As of August 1 === Im outta here!!! Now, my parents are a little sketchy about me moving on my own with all my treatments and what not, but life needs to go on. It can't stop because I get a little sick. The worst/best part ( I don't know which on it is) is that I look fine. I actually don't look as sick as I am, and the only hard thing for me, is that they are trying to work around some of the symptoms ( hair loss, nausea) etc cause I was really worried about that. They said that as long as I do double the radiation dose when I go, that they might be able to stay away from giving me these pills that are usually the main cause of hair loss...so although there is still more coming out everyday in the brush then I would like - it isn't really that noticeable cause I have so much!
So much has happened since last on here - camping, talking with Wes, getting stood up by a complete stranger - that was the best part - and just having some good ol times with friends before the summer comes to a close.
Also --- I GOT MY CAR!!! WOOT WOOT WOOT
Its so awesome, I love her very much and I will most defenitely take a picture and post her up here. She has already seen alot of action and I just got her a week and a half ago!
Also, I take a look at this relationship between my friends, and it gets me mad sometimes. I mean not like ANGRY mad...but frustrated mad. Mad that I am sitting here willing to make someone happy...wanting to make someone happy, and for someone to want me in there life - and they are just sitting there not saying a word , not reaping the benefits of having that special someone in their life...because they are both tooooo friggin shy. I guess Im totally jealous that I don't have someone anymore. I mean I don't even know what Wes and I are now. I broke the cardinal rule of the ex...don't sleep with them. :S YEAH I KNOW.
I mean -- Im not over Wes..no where close, and Im not at all ever thinking of replacing his place in my heart ( well at least not yet) but Ive always had this mini crush on this guy that I hang out with all the time..and there have been some moments that might have gone a little further had we not have both been in a relationship..well not both...but he was 'spoken' for in an unspoken kinda way..lol
Anyways - bottom line is that its just frustrating for people not to want to dive into love head first and experience it all as I first did. Get those butterflies in your stomach when you see that person, never feel down or upset when that person is in your thoughts or in your presence.
I miss that most of all right now ,cause sometimes , its all just reall simple and all I want is a hug. A warm body to sleep beside...because who knows when your last days will come around? Who knows when it will be too late to say the things that you have always wanted to say??? Who knows when you will have no more time and no more energy to love someone so much...that it hurts...
I miss him.
Alot.
I pretend that Im angry, and that Im mad at him...but Im not. I love him....I love you.
Christ this is hard....
...and truth be told, I would give anything for him...just to have him look me in the eyes and tell me that he loves me...
...just to feel his hands on mine and feel secure...
...just to know that maybe , just maybe, everything isn't as bad as it seems and that in some weird twist of fate, I can cure this, and I can beat this with love.
Cheesy - I know...but sometimes thats all I've got left...no more reality...just cheese.
A big huge chunk of Gouda to be precise...haha
:)
As of August 1 === Im outta here!!! Now, my parents are a little sketchy about me moving on my own with all my treatments and what not, but life needs to go on. It can't stop because I get a little sick. The worst/best part ( I don't know which on it is) is that I look fine. I actually don't look as sick as I am, and the only hard thing for me, is that they are trying to work around some of the symptoms ( hair loss, nausea) etc cause I was really worried about that. They said that as long as I do double the radiation dose when I go, that they might be able to stay away from giving me these pills that are usually the main cause of hair loss...so although there is still more coming out everyday in the brush then I would like - it isn't really that noticeable cause I have so much!
So much has happened since last on here - camping, talking with Wes, getting stood up by a complete stranger - that was the best part - and just having some good ol times with friends before the summer comes to a close.
Also --- I GOT MY CAR!!! WOOT WOOT WOOT
Its so awesome, I love her very much and I will most defenitely take a picture and post her up here. She has already seen alot of action and I just got her a week and a half ago!
Also, I take a look at this relationship between my friends, and it gets me mad sometimes. I mean not like ANGRY mad...but frustrated mad. Mad that I am sitting here willing to make someone happy...wanting to make someone happy, and for someone to want me in there life - and they are just sitting there not saying a word , not reaping the benefits of having that special someone in their life...because they are both tooooo friggin shy. I guess Im totally jealous that I don't have someone anymore. I mean I don't even know what Wes and I are now. I broke the cardinal rule of the ex...don't sleep with them. :S YEAH I KNOW.
I mean -- Im not over Wes..no where close, and Im not at all ever thinking of replacing his place in my heart ( well at least not yet) but Ive always had this mini crush on this guy that I hang out with all the time..and there have been some moments that might have gone a little further had we not have both been in a relationship..well not both...but he was 'spoken' for in an unspoken kinda way..lol
Anyways - bottom line is that its just frustrating for people not to want to dive into love head first and experience it all as I first did. Get those butterflies in your stomach when you see that person, never feel down or upset when that person is in your thoughts or in your presence.
I miss that most of all right now ,cause sometimes , its all just reall simple and all I want is a hug. A warm body to sleep beside...because who knows when your last days will come around? Who knows when it will be too late to say the things that you have always wanted to say??? Who knows when you will have no more time and no more energy to love someone so much...that it hurts...
I miss him.
Alot.
I pretend that Im angry, and that Im mad at him...but Im not. I love him....I love you.
Christ this is hard....
...and truth be told, I would give anything for him...just to have him look me in the eyes and tell me that he loves me...
...just to feel his hands on mine and feel secure...
...just to know that maybe , just maybe, everything isn't as bad as it seems and that in some weird twist of fate, I can cure this, and I can beat this with love.
Cheesy - I know...but sometimes thats all I've got left...no more reality...just cheese.
A big huge chunk of Gouda to be precise...haha
:)
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Betrayed Angel
I dont even know what to do anymore...
I need to surround myself with people who love me...although I don't know who that is..
I feel so betrayed
So friggin betrayed...
I need to surround myself with people who love me...although I don't know who that is..
I feel so betrayed
So friggin betrayed...
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