Sick and Jealous Angel

Im so fucking angry right now.

Honestly - Wes is 0/3 right now...he tells me that he wants to be there for me and that he wants to be my friend but yet he isn't there when I need him the most.

He is yakking on the phone with her.

I really fucking hate her...I mean she must be some woman to have him leave his ex-gf of just one month all alone while I undergo treatments.

I want him to be happy and I want him to be in a relationship again...but just the thought of him touching her makes me want to vomit.

On a lighter note, or heavier , however you view the situation, I went for my mold today..was a really weird experience, but everyone was nice and plesant and making jokes the whole time...lol I got complemented on my undergarments once again...it was hilarious.

Im a little sick and a little tired right now ....because of everything...and I don't know what to do about work...

*sigh* I wish Wes would just understand that I want him around....and that its just hard for me to know that he has moved on...already.

Sick Angel

So the dr's went ok today.

Told me what was going on, and what I would have to do to be better.

Basically it seems like the easiest thing to do, is that they will implant a radioactive rod in my leg ( sounds glamourous eh?), so that when I go in for my treatments and the radiotherapy, it will done in high doses for a certain amount of time. Hopefully, sooner rather than later.

I will be able to do it before work, after work...basically when I please, which is good,and I will be able to talk to people about it , and deal with it.

The side effects shouldn't be that bad - and after talking with the dr's about losing my hair,which is my worst fear, I was told that it should't be a problem cause I had so much of it!

Im gonna keep this on the downlow, cause frankly I dont like it when people are feeling sorry for me, and my emotional issues right now would not be helped with everyone knowing what is going on, and yeah -- I wouldn't be able to do it.

As far as Wes is concerned....well....I love him, he says he cares..yet our relationship can't happen in person. I dont know why. I hate that he feels like he has to act weird around me...I get it...he doesn't love me. Its the hardest thing that I've ever had to admit...but he has clearly moved on. He is going to be with someone else, and he is going to be happy. And as much as I hate that, I wish him the best.

Never in my life have I thought so much about happiness in my life , and how I missed it so much. And how I forced him out of my life, and pushed him away into her arms...she was already in his life, just waiting for me to force him away. And she won. This is the worst defeat of my life. The man that I have shared everything with, and the man that I have opened up too....doesn't want have anything to do with me.

I try to sit here and think of the better things in life, cause who knows what will happen. And Im so grateful to have been able to feel what it was like to be loved. To feel that happiness when I wake up in the morning next to him and see him and smile....

Who knows if this will work? Who knows if Im gonna live with this for the rest of my life? All I know, is that this is the worst time to be alone ...ever. I just need a hug more than ever right now...and the one person that I want to hug me..is already infatuated with someone else.

I give up.

Invisible Angel

My life is actually over....


The worst time of my life right now, and he wont have anything to do with me...


I dont even know what to think about what the dr told me today, about what my relationship with him is life...I dont know


I just want to sleep...I dont want to do this alone...and thats all I am...is alone...

So twice in one week, my supposed 'friend' has let me down...

Twice in one week did I get my hopes up thinking that he would come to my rescue and help me out and be there by my side....

...twice in one week was I slapped in the face by my ignorance...

Im an idiot. I still think that there is a chance for me...and I dont know what to do about my feelings.

Grr...I hate this.

I need to get a new job.

Surgical Angel

So Im sitting here after my surgery, a little woozy and a little confused.

I had this dream I guess...I dont really know...

And It was about Wes --- Anyways,

Bottom Line -- I love him and want to be his friend still...I want him in my life. But what I cannot get over is how quickly he has moved on.....and how he has become this person who I don't even recognize anymore.

He tells me that he goes out with her and he goes for a walk...and he goes to Starbucks...and they go out for dinner...and...I just dont know where this person has come from.

Where did this person who took walks, and who liked Starbucks come from??? I feel like I have been cheated...like this was who he was in the first place and yet he never could open up to me.

Just picturing him with someone else has broken my heart a million times over. I have cried everyday since he broke up with me...and I can't do this. I can't stop thinking about him with her....about the laughing and all the talking...its not fair.

Its not fair that I have been there through everything...that I have always stuck beside him through everything...and when I say everything we have been through more than most...and in no way am I saying that he hasn't been there for me....but Im not the one that broke up with him.

I need him in my life. I can't do this...I can't be alone...and I hate that I say that, and I hate that I can't move on....and I hate myself for being like this...

Knowing that bitch has moved in while him and I were still together...using the disguise of friendship...I fucking hate her. She sits there and just reaps the benefits of everything that we have done together.

I hate this and I can't do it.
In some sick way I wished that I never woke up today....cause frankly..although the leg pain is gonna go ....my heart is hurting more than I can explain. Im actually depressed. I never really thought that he meant that much to me...I mean I love him and I knew that he was important to me and all that...I just never knew that I was gonna act like this.

I regret all the times where I got mad at him and told him to just leave me ....

Fuck this ...it hurts too much.

I just wanna die.

Stunned Angel

I can't even explain what i am feeling right now.

its a mixture of sadness and scared....

i feel sick to my stomach with anxiety

and i can't get it off my mind that he is with her having fun and laughing and god know s what else...

i now understand why people fall into a deep depression....

I dont know how people deal with this on a day to day basis...I hate it

All i can think about is that he is spending his day off with her...laughing..fuck i alredy said that

can you now see that im going in circles?? can you now see why im a mess


i can't do this
its not working
this pain is too much

and what hurts the most, is the fact that he is happy already...and im left alone to deal with cancer in my leg....and a brokenheart...

wow

this hurts

i hate it
fuck love

Breakdown Angel

Wow -

So last night I had this horrible feeling that Wes was with her...and I was right. I fucking knew it.

I fell at work last night and wasn't feeling so hot, so I went to the hospital to check things out and the chick that took me from work had to leave , so I called Wes to see what he was doing and if he was still in Oakville....and hedidn't answer his phone. I knew he was out with her.

I guess the worst part, is that he lied to me about it when I confronted him. I asked him who he was out with -- and he didn't want to say. I knew it.

I think that there is more to his story, I mean you dont just spend from 6pm or so to almost 3 in the morning with someone having 'dinner'.

I feel like such an idiot cause I told him everything last night, and in some way, I regret it all. Cause it made me look so weak.

I can't help but be jealous that she is the one getting his attention -- break up sucks. But right now, with me going into the hospital tmrw for a minor surgery, and all this shit I have on my plate...I want him more than ever.

I've done this all to myself I guess, In some cosmic way , and Im getting it all back 10 fold. I dont know what I did to deserve shit like this .....but it better change...and it better change soon.

Angel Under Fire

Day One of new treatments.....

So maybe Ive been blind, and I have been trying to deny what is going on with my body. Maybe Ive been embarrassed to tell Wes, maybe Ive been too embarassed to tell anyone what is up with me lately...

Oh well - maybe its just as good....

Maybe its better for me not being with someone right now, maybe its better for me to be stronger on my own -- its the hardest thing Ive ever had to do.
The treatments are gross...I keep feeling sick, and weak...and dizzy and ugh. But Im a "trooper" as Dr. Michaels says....ya right...trooper. If he only knew....

I dont know why I am so afraid to be honest with people...so afraid to just come out and say that there is more to it than just clots...that there is more to it than just 'blasting' it all away.

Im so strong...yet so weak....and I hate it.


Im also not dealing with this break up well either...I mean today for example. Im sitting there, waiting to go in...and there is a young couple waiting too. Cute - like my age...and this guy is just so loving and caring. He is kissing her hand every now and again, and holding it. The nurse comes and says that they are ready for her and he asks if he can go in with her for her appointment. I actually teared up.
I sat there...being pumped full of meds...and realised...that Im alone.

Alone. And it sucks.

I saw Wes today from the back...and I hated that he wasn't my bf anymore. That i couldn't just go up to him and hug him at any time. I was always so proud to be his gf cause he was always awesome. He still is awesome.

...and Im just watching from the sidelines like a loser...

This whole thing just hurts too much....way to much and I can't stand it anymore.

Dr's want to give me morphine for the days when it gets too bad...but Im worried about dependency issues. I dont want to have another drug in my life.

When I have the surgery...maybe. For just the weekend, but I will make sure that its only enough for the weekend...so that bad habits dont form.

Im almost done the smaller treatments...and then surgery to remove the mass.

...and then I'll be alone through all of it...and gonna have to try my best to just deal. I mean everyone says there is always someone who is worse off....and I believe that..but right now...this is pretty fucking bad....and I hate it.

I miss being in love...well I am still in love with him...i just miss the double sided nature of it all....

..after all this time, which I mean isn't that long of a time, but you would think that I would be able to be alone with my thoughts ...and I can be for a while...and then the tears start to flow...

Love him more than ever...and that sucks.



*****While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were there to stop the fight*****

Oh -- and just an add on to the previous post

I hate living at home. I have no car, no license and I ask my parents to drive me somewhere and they refuse.


Yet if my sister were to ask they would bow down at her feet.

Fuck them.

Disaster Angel

So Im a disaster....

I mean, Im sane...sorta...and Im not so hurt anymore...sorta...

Who am I trying to kid...I hate this.

Ive tried to be sane, and tried to be rational and tried to be strong and openminded about this whole thing...but I fucking hate it.

I actually am a disaster alone. I never thought I would be this way, I never thought that I would have such a hard time re-discovering myself as a single woman. I mean I know who I am...I have never fully and will ever fully truly know who I am...and I think that no one can truly know who they are...but this whole not having someone to reassure me of who I am and how I feel is really making me a disaster.

I hate this. Just knowing that he doesn't need me...that he doesn't want me....at all.

...and all I want to do is make him happy. Why is it now more than ever that I just want to rub him, and hug him...and be warm in his arms.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do...everytime I think about him and how he doesn't want me in his life...I tear up and just start to think of all the things that we wont ever do together...and all those laughs we wont share together.

...all that I want to do right now, is cuddle into bed with him and watch a movie that he burned and we get to see before everyone else. It was something that I always looked forward too ...it was my way of winding down on the weekend. Just going home with him and forgetting about everything that happened that week - thats why I have been so angry these past couple weeks, I havne't had the time to winddown. Im trying to find another way of doing it...but its just not working.

I miss us. So friggin much.

...and everytime I see him I just want him to hug me...and have me get lost in his wonderful hugs.

...the biggest fuck you of all...is his smile.

...I love his smile so much...that everytime he smiles at me...I regret every horrible thing I ever said to him. I never appreciated him as much as I should have.

I love this man so much -- I dont know how to explain it.

All I want is for him to look at me and remember all the good times that we had...cause I really hate this...I really hate him not being in my life.

ugh ...

Angel has been replaced

Well - I think that I may have been replaced in Wes's life - already.

I feel like his relationship with this other woman, that he has known forever and who he is supposedly 'just friends' with is alot more than he wants me to believe.

She is the main reason that him and I broke up. I freaked out about him lying ot me about seeing her , and he said I wasn't warranted in it cause they are just friends. To be fair to him , I defenitely over-reacted a little and I apologized for that. I just have alot of trouble when he lies to me...its just something that I can't deal with , and that NO ONE should have to deal with.

They talk all the time, and I actually think I have been replaced already....

Thats the worst part about this whole thing - I feel so unwanted. So stupid for thinking that maybe he still does love me...I feel so gross and disgusting.

Knowing that you have given your heart to someone and they just throw it back is the worst feeling ever.

ugh -- this has been the worst couple weeks ever. Yeah there have been fun things and good things, but when Im alone with my thoughts -- its murder.

I only wish that he tells me the truth, that he gives me the respect by telling me that he is with someone else....and that him and I are officially over forever and for good.

Talking with the new roomie makes me a little stronger ,cause she is in exactly the same situation I am...but she is stronger. Her ex-bf told her that he wants to be with her and she said that she wasn't ready cause he hurt her so much. Good for her! I really wish I could say that. She doesn't think that he realises how much he hurt her. I don't think that Wes realises it either.

As much as I love my friends, and am always surrounded by awesome people. Im lonely.
Actually - and wholly - lonely.


*sigh*

Green Eyed Angel

WOW -

So Im an idiot. I defenitely seem like such a love struck puppy dog right now , and that wasn't even my intention.

Im talking on the phone with Wes, after seeing 'The Break-up' which by the way is the worst movie ever and made me ever more depressed, and his cell phone rings.

My heart actually dropped out of my body, and I felt like I was gonna puke. Just the fact that some random girl could be calling him really got to me. That hurt me so much , I can't even describe the feeling. Its been like a couple weeks, and the thought that he got over me so quickly - well- I basically gagged.

I don't know why I had that reaction, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me......

But I will tell you one thing - when someone doesn't want to be with you - thats the time that you start to appreciate them. Thats when u begin to miss it all.

I just want to cry and cry and let it all out -

I just want to tell Wes that I never wanna talk to him again , cause I swear, everytime I talk to him , I try and remember that we are just friends, but there is something inside, that just wont let go.

For fucks sakes, I can't get over this -- and Im embarassed to admit it.

I see a guy walking down the hall, I find something to try and compare it to him, something that will possibly NOT want me to love Wes anymore, and I can't fucking do it.

I somehow find myself wishing that we were lying in bed watching a movie like we used to, or that he was asking me to rub his neck cause it was sore.

....or that he was telling me that he loved me and kissing me good night and I knew immediately that everything was going to be ok...


Im so stupid.

Oh - and you wanna know the clincher -- the best part about this whole fantastic break up situation -- READY--HERE GOES:

*************

Back in February I was looking around for flights to B.C for a possible wedding that Wes and I were gonna go too. I upped my credit limit so that I could possibly afford the flight/vacation etc and then didn't end up going.

However -- I saw a trip for two people that I just couldn't pass up, being offered by one of those westjet type companies in the states.

Here it is:

* 5 days , 4 night in one of four hotels
* Tickets to the top shows during the time of your stay
* Airfare round trip for two
* Complimentary food vouchers etc.
* Valid until Dec/07 - allow 2-3mths advance booking for the high season

.....IN LAS VEGAS BABY.

Yeah -- so I purchased this trip that because I knew that Wes has always wanted to go. I thought that I would give it to him for a birthday present, and he could choose when to go cause as long as it is used before Dec/07 its alllll good.

I bought it -- son of a bitch breaks up with me -- can you tell I didn't think he was actually gonna break up with me anytime soon??

Bottom line -- Im out $1700 and I have to find someone/couple of people to take this off my hands. I wouldn't feel right going with someone else, so I would rather see it be used by people who would appreciate it.

Im officially the girl that people feel sorry for at parties. The girl who people whisper about how after 'he' broke up with me I was just never the same.

To spare the dramatic tension, and the movie script writing ( although most of these entries are mostly that anyways), I actually feel like a part of me is missing .... and I hurt like hell. I was almost in tears in the theatre watching this movie, thinking about how similar our situations were. And the ending - well that didn't sit well with me.

I want more than anything to move on, to forget about what we had, and how much I love him , and just get a life.

I can't - I don't know why....the one person that has always, no questions asked been there for me....is asking questions....and doesn't want me around.

He says he does feel more free---I feel more trapped....

For at least one point in the day , for the past couple weeks, I think about something fun that him and I did together, I think about this one walk that we took along the Grand River, and although its nothing special, its something that I will always remember --- it was just him and I, walking , talking, having fun.

Im that girl that never gets over that boy

I don't want to be that girl -- I want to love again, I want to move on and grow out of him --

....but right now, I still love him.

....and right now, that girl is heartbroken.

Teary Eyed Angel

I have never in my life been so vulnerable as I am now...

I have never cried so hard before...I want to puke.

I have never felt so inadequate, and so useless as I do now.

I have never hated someone so much, and loved someone so much as I do now.

FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS.

YOU STRING ME ALONG FOR 3 FUCKING YEARS THROUGH ALL YOUR BAD TIMES AND MAKE ME PUT UP WITH SO MUCH SHIT, AND NOW THAT THINGS ARE GOING YOUR WAY YOU CUT THAT STRING.

I am so angry and so heartbroken I can't even explain it.

Im gonna call in sick tmrw for work and just stay in bed all day and do nothing, cause I honestly feel like a bag of holy hell.

I hate that he effects me this way, I hate that I am so weak right now. I hate that I let someone into my life and break my heart.....

...and the sad thing is, is that I know, there is always gonna be a part of my heart for him. Always.

ow..this actually feels like my heart breaking...and what hurts the most is the fact that he is prolly not hurting at all. He is prolly rejoicing that he is free of me...when all I ever wanted to do was love him.

He is an awesome man, and I love him more than anything, and I want the best for him cause he does deserve it, however I know...that no one will ever treat him the way that I did...no one will ever massage him the way that I did, or do all the little things that he liked the way that I did...fuck...who am I kidding? He will prolly just move on...and forget me.

Fuck this hurts so much.....I have never cried this hard...I just puked.
Fuck him
Fuck me...Im an idiot...

Fuck
Fuck
Fuck

....make room for Captain Morgan...the only man that I can trust in my life...

....its back...and its never gonna go away...this fuckng sucks...

Angel needs a hug...

So yeah....


I dont like this. I don't like not being able to have someone to say I love you too.
I dont like not having someone to talk to before I go to bed..to close my day with a simple chat and letting you know that they care about you.

As much as I used to be picky about giving Wes a rub...thats all I want to do right now, I just want to make him happy...is that bad?

Is it bad that all I want to do is to make Wes happy any way that I can???

Fuck - - I would give anything...ANYTHING...to just have a hug from him....

GRRR on me....