I saw Wes today, and he just looked so good in this shirt that I have always loved him in. He looks so good in blue.

Damnit.

Im gonna try and see if I can see him this weekend,I really miss him.

Crying Angel

I regret everything that I ever did to him...

I just keep crying over my idiocy..over my stupidity that I ever treated him the way that I did...

Im an idiot....


Almost 5 days in a row I have cried myself to sleep.....

I want it to stop, I want him to just talk to me and tell me that he really does love me...I want him again..

Damnit this hurts too much....

"No size two here" Angel

So, I have come to the conclusion that we live in such a fucking disgusting world that forces people to become sick and unhealthy and live horrible medicated lives just so that they can get through the day not being a size fucking two.

I will elaborate more later....



GRRR

*****So this is me elaborating two days later ...*******


Ok, so I may or may not have resulted in behaviour that I never saw possible of myself. Behaviour that I promised myself I would never do cause I am strong and an independent woman.

I practically begged Wes to give us a second chance.

I don't know why I did it - I couldn't tell you...I mean I know why...cause I don't want to be out of his life, I don't want to have those awkward conversations with him when I see him at work, or those one liners every now and again that really mean nothing but then I will over-analyze thinking that he still loves me and I will never get over it.

Ok - so yeah, heartbreak happens, it happens to everyone, I guess I just am pissed off that its happening now...lol I know you are saying " But no one can plan when heartache happens"....but

I have been so selfish. I have practically abused him with my emotions for the past month or so, and in a way Im glad he had the balls to stand up to me and say that he wasn't happy ...but to be fair I have been going through alot of my own shit lately.

Ive been trying to establish myself as a woman in society, trying to start my life..and Im sorry if people think that Im a wuss, but its stressful! Although work is not in some big office building with important people, Im being thrown into a world of older and wiser women whom I interact with on a daily basis, and I dont want to seem as the little girl - but I think that in all my attempts to NOT be the youngest one in the group...Ive made it obvious. I have become friends with some older women that I work with ,and listening to them talk about their fiancees, and how well they treat them gets me wondering if I will ever have that. And then I realise, that Wes did treat me well...he did give me everything I wanted, and I just basically spat it back at him becasue I couldn't deal with my own issues.

I was a coward. I didn't want to face my own demons so instead I took them out on the one person that was always there for me no matter what. I hate myself so much for that. Everytime I think of the times that we had together, the stupid little jokes that we had between just him and I, and all the late night phone calls and his loving voice on the other end comforting me...I just want to smack myself.

Im an idiot.

My heart is breaking over and over again a million time because I can't help but hate myself for letting someone as good as him hate me. I can't help but realise that someone else is gonna be the one to get those late night phone calls, and someone else is gonna be the one rubbing his neck when its sore, and sharing his bed after having dinner with his wonderful family.

I regret every single word of hatred I said to him, every single moment of my complaining and whining about just because I was too ashamed to sit and deal with my problems.

This type of regret and pain shouldn't be legal.

Last year around this time, I was heartbroken because he said that we needed time. We took the time and got back together and I had never felt so high in my life knowing that he was with me again, and that he loved me again.

I really just hope that he realises that he has made a mistake....that he will look me in the eyes and tell me that he loves me again.

Many of you might be disgusted about this post, unable to believe that I would write this. But you don't know what my life has been like. You haven't taken the time to ask me how I was, or why my eyes were red from crying. You all assumed that it was Wes, and that was it. Well an FYI for you guys -- he was and is the best thing that happened to me. He is a wonderful honest man who I am honored to know. He is so loving and caring and wonderful....

Im crying again now....


He is wonderful..he is awesome....I love him....

I fucked up.... :(

Angry but loving angel

I dont really know how to feel right now

Im so angry at Wes...I mean I have gone through everything with him...and I mean everything....I have been there through the good and the bad...through fucking everything, and I feel so used. As if I was just there to lean on while he went through bad times, and now that he is starting to be sucessful I get pushed out...cause he needs a break...

Im crying so hard now I can't even type...

Why does love exsist....it hurts so fucking much


Im an idiot
I did this to myself....I pushed the one person that I truly cared for more than anything in the world away....and it hurts so much




shit

...

hmmmm


**********************************************



Somewhere along the way we tough to keep it all together,
We mask the pain we feel inside, to make everyone else feel better,
You wrap your arms around yourself and bury all your sorrow,
You can't hide from your emotions baby, they'll still be here tomorrow,
If your heart won't let it flow,
I want you to know,

It's okay to cry (Everybody's gotta hurt sometime)
Let those tear drops fly (Don't even try to dry your eye)
Don't keep it all inside (In the mornin' it'll be alright)
It's okay to cry

First you gotta fall apart to pick up all the pieces,
If you don't learn to let it go,
the pain inside increases,
It takes more strength to hold it in then to give in and surrender,
why's the first thing that we learn,
the last thing we remember?
Baby, tears don't make you weak, If I could only make you see,


It's okay to cry (Everybody's gotta hurt sometime)
Let those tear drops fly (Don't even try to dry your eye)
Don't keep it all inside (In the mornin' it'll be alright)
It's okay to cry

It ain't nothing at all
Sometimes you gotta break down and let 'em fall,
Baby that's true


It's okay to cry (Everybody's gotta hurt sometime)
Let those teardrops fly(Don't even try to dry your eye)
Don't keep it all inside (In the mornin' it'll be alright)
It's okay to cry

It's okay to cry

Meh Angel

So...things have been going weird the past couple of weeks, and frankly, Im sick of it. I just can't deal with stupid shit anymore...I mean there is only so much one person can handle. So , I started by throwing out everything......EVERYTHING...all my stupid ways of handling pain and handling my emotions.

I guess Ive started my own little tweleve step program of getting better, of improving myself...

And I mean I know that I have said this a couple times, but there is always something impeding me...something holding me back from accepting that I need to change my ways, I need to change the ways that I handle my emotions, and I need to change the way that I live my life.

There is too much potential on my part that I keep wasting, there is too much fun loving, too much of ME that is going to waste in tears in my pillow, and hours contemplating what I've done wrong and what I've done to deserve the way that I feel. Instead, I should have been shedding my tears if thats what it took , and getting right back up on my feet and doing something about it, instead of just sitting around doing nothing and feeling sorry for myself.

I did alot of thinking last night, and for some reason, just remembering Wes and how he looks when he is so happy, and when he is truly laughing at something.....made me feel horrible for not wanting to share that with him, not wanting to be happy with him and have those happy moments and ....

I just want to be Happy....and I want to be able to have that relationship that when I look into his eyes, and he looks into my eyes, he is genuinely happy to be with me. These past couple of weeks, have been hard that way....I haven't been able to be happy...for reasons that Im not sure of....but its stopping NOW.

This is me being all righteous to myself.........and its gonna happen....cause if I don't change for the better, then Im gonna be losing everyone who is important to me....and I dont know if I would be able to handle that....

Yay Summer!

Angel is hurtin'

I am so friggin lost


I couldn't tell you where to start even if I tried...


I suck at lots of things, and its not getting any better...






Honestly, my heart is broken.....and there is nothing that I , or anyone else can do to help me....

The bottle is the only thing that I can rely on.....and I hate that


After cutting, and pills and what not.....I just dont care anymore...


I try to think I have self esteem, and I try to think that I am worth peoples times.....but then he goes and treats me like this...not caring about myself, my well being, my feelings...nothing...

So I give up

Yeah its weak of me....Im the first to admit that...but I can't hold it in and be strong any longer...

It hurts way to much...




P.S Did I mention that he didn't even give me a birthday present...not even a card....thats how much he doesn't love me...


It hurts...so much and as Im writing this Im welling up with tears, knowing that no matter what I do I will never be good enough for him or anyone else...inclluding myself...

I wish you knew this...I wish you felt what I feel...then maybe you would understand why I got so mad , why I brokedown in your arms and cried like I have never cried before...

If you need someone stronger, then so be it....but don't drag me along anymore...cause my heart cant take it...

You have left your name on my heart, carved deep into it...and its always gonna be there...but unless things get better, its gonna be a scar...a scar of a time where I was at my worst, and you made me feel like crap....


Fuck you...I dont understand why you dont see how much I fucking love you


I give up....

Its over...

Time for a drink...

Angels Birthday

So this past week it was my birthday, I don't really know what to say about it...

I went out with the guys and the gal ..lol and I had a good time, just nothing fancy.

And then came Wes...

I changed our plans and moved them up a day...BIG WOOP...I mean he just got all upset because of it, although I did it with his best intentions in mind. GRRR....

I didn't even get a friggin present.... OR EVEN A CARD

Im not a superficial person at all, but it was my fucking birthday for christs sakes....I dunno..after all that has happened recently I would think that perhaps he would kiss my ass and make me feel like a princess and everything...noooooooooooo



Whatever...I really don't know what to expect anymore...


Its a MOOT POINT... hahahaha