No Time for Angel

So nobody has any time for me....

I could be sitting infront of someone with bleeding wrists and they would still make an excuse to do something else...and you have no idea how much that hurts right now...

I mean...I feel so invisible.

I got kicked out of my house today -- I packed my things, and left. Cause frankly -- I couldn't be bothered with that house anymore...there was a big showdown about the friggin computer and my room and I just stated that I think it would be easier if my sister took a bus to the library to use the computer as I was heading to Hamilton for exams and what not...from there it escalated into this huge debacle...just stupid....

I feel like Im the biggest failure ever...I just am not satisfying anyone...and it leads me to do stupid things to get attention...STUPID STUPID things...

I know that Im not gonna be involved in MMT next year...I can just feel it. I was not an important person in that organization this year, so they are gonna pass the torch to someone else...I mean..I dunno that was the only thing that kept me grounded this year, and now I fucked that up too...I mean for fucks sakes I wasn't even in the fucking MMT picture...EVERYONE JUST FORGOT ABOUT ME...

I have never been more bitter in my life, and I will never get over that...thats rude, and inconsiderate...and it just shows how people used me all last year just cause Im a nice person...fuck that...

FUCK YOU ALL...

Also , Wes and I haven't spent any time together in the longest time and I let it all go cause I seem to think that Im being pushy with the time we spend together, but I mean for fucks sakes....

I haven't seen him ...for more than 20 min...in like 3 weeks...he says we should see each other during the week while he is in Oakville for work and what not, and I agree that is easier for him and I hate not having a car.....and he wants the weekends to hang out with his friends...ok fine...but NOW...he has no time for me during the week or on the weekend...this is fucking bullshit...

I mean seriously....this is horrible...I have spent the last 4 days crying every spare minute that I have...I don't know why...Im just so unhappy...so dissapointed in myself...so mad at myself for so many things...

I want to be my daddy's little girl again....and I know he wants it too...and that hurts more than anything that I can't make him proud, that he can't trust me...

I want to be satisfied with what I do in life...cause I know I can accomplish good things, I just can't seem to start anything meaningful...

I want to have people in my life that want to see me, that want to pay attention to me...

I want them to actually , truly, really, honestly, care if I happen to disappear...cause that day might come sooner than later...and I ask myself everyday...will they care?

I know its morbid...but thats me recently...morbid. I have these health issues that Im dealing with...I have relationship issues that Im dealing with...

I have this overwhelming need to be satisfied and nothing is doing it for me...

How am I supposed to give time for myself , if no one will take the time to appreciate me as a person. Everyone I care about I appreciate.....

...no one cares OR appreciates me...

..this is all a big fucking joke....

I hate this...more than words can express....

*

I can't do this anymore....


I can't live like this....


I just.....can't....

Hurtin' Angel

So...this week has been really stressful to say the least...well yeah ...stress...w00t for stress :

Friday - Jays Game, drank way too much...made an ass of myself - sang, danced..>>AHHHH

Sat - Recovered from friday, just enough to go out with MMT'ers to drink and have some really early BD Celebrations....It was nice to see everyone..I forgot how much I missed everyone in that group...I love them all...all of them are so interesting and so talented in their own ways...each person is just so intriguing for me...I can't get enough! I was also complimented a couple times by people on how I looked, you know who you are :), and it was nice ...REALLY nice to hear it ...not forced from someone who feels its an obligation to say things to me -- I love those guys.... :)

Sun - just chilled out and recovered from a long weekend, prepared for my job interview, tried to work on my proposal for HAIR a little more...didn't get too far on that


All week, and weekend, I had this pain in my stomach...like almost like bad cramps...like REALLY bad cramps..when you know its your time of the month for all you ladies out there...and you know its gonna be painful...times this by 5756764436.25 LOL

Went to the dr on Mon after my HORRIFIC interview...and after an ultrasound and some "hmms" and "ahhh's" Im told that my clots have spread to my uterus and that my friends - is not good....I have been in so much pain because my body is trying to do its normal regneration thing that it does every month and it can't cause these clots are in the way.....

Although some might feel that this is too much information ...I need to write it out...there is a really good chance that my fertility is really affected..meaning that me + kids = a no go. Well its not 100% but she was telling me all about the options and how that the clots have fucked up any chances of having a normal conception...also, because of the easy nature of me bleeding out so quickly I would have a very risky pregnancy and would have an 80% chance of losing the baby.

Ok so Im not even 21 yet, and I know that you are asking yourself why I am thinking about this now...well...once again for all you women out there...the possibility of not being able to have kids...is heartbreaking....since I was young I always had that dream of having the man, the kids, the job , the house, the dog -- in a nice little package that would just fit into my life when the time was right. Knowing that I might not be able to share the gift of life with the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with....is heartbreaking....completely and utterly.

I havent told Wes the severity of this all --I dont know if I want too just yet...all I know is that the pain is excruciating and I can't sleep and yeah..it hurts. Im not allowed to take anything for it...cause they want me free of drugs before the initial testing...they are most likely gonna blast me full of something...hopefully it will fix it...

Now to me -- this job...I dunno if I will get it..I was really uneasy in the interview and yeah...it would be really good if I did...but then again I dont know...

School - no motivation right now at all...NONE...like I still have two papers that I havent done...AT ALL...what the hell is wrong with me???

MMT - this proposal shit is just weighing me down..I sit and instead of worrying about my ideas...im more worried about the fact taht someone else is gonna have a WAAAAAAAAY better idea than me...which I know will prolly be the case...but I just am so upset abotu it...don't ask me...


Im in some serious pain right now....like more than I can describe....

I just want someone to hold me while I lie in bed...and just love me...everything aside...just love me for who I am....please...thats all I want...


....all you need is love....
....all I need is you....

....ow