...why do I always attract the shitty guys
...why do guys just ASSUME that I am here waiting for them to be ASSHOLES and take advantage of my trust...
...I feel so....gross
...all I want is a drink...all I want is someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok...although Im pretty sure that if anyone went to touch me...I would prolly shudder...
Where are you when I need you?
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
...your touch is heavenly
...so kiss me while I messy my fingers in your hair...
Oh Im so in need of getting laid. Actually - really not laid...just touched...some intimacy..anything for fucks sakes.
As I sat today in the student centre, doing one of my favourite things -- people watching...I realised that there are so many people out there that I want to get to know. This one guy, in my a couple of my classes...I would love to go out for coffee with him and just talk. I just want to pick his brain and get to know him...I miss that. I miss my sense of spontineity...my sense of adventure that left with my ability to trust people.
I was talking to some of my 'friends' the other day...and they really helped me with some of the things that I need to get over before I can accept a relationship....before I can give my heart to someone again. I mean..Wes still has my heart...as far as what is going on there I don't even know..
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!
I want love in my life...
I want romance in my life..
I want to be spoiled...
...and wined and dined and told how beautiful I look, and kissed so passionately that I have to catch my breath afterwards...
...I want to live in a movie...
I am so in love with Wes that I can't even explain it in words...and for some reason...he can say whatever he wants to me..and I just take it. I pretend to be big and bad and all bitchy and stick up for myself...but when I leave, or when I get off the phone...I turn into plain old me...lying, along in bed..crying into a pillow that is full of tears I should have never shed...
...I want to be kissed in a car, at night, with rain pouring hard outside...
...I want to be taken to an expensive restaurant so that I can get all dressed up and I want to indulge in the finer things in life...
...I want to go back to Kenya, and go on Safari in an expensive camp with a gorgeous wooden bed, and make love for hours, and get up just at sunrise looking out onto the animal ridden plains with the man that I love next to me , both of us gorgeously dressed in kakois, in complete silence there are no words to express how perfect that moment is...
...I want to stop dreaming of simple things that I should be getting in my life and make them a reality...
...I want to stop being afraid of intimacy from someone other than Wes...
...I want to stop the shudders that happen when Im hugged or touched by someone of the opposite sex...
...I want to trust again...
...I want to live again...
I want...
...you...
Oh Im so in need of getting laid. Actually - really not laid...just touched...some intimacy..anything for fucks sakes.
As I sat today in the student centre, doing one of my favourite things -- people watching...I realised that there are so many people out there that I want to get to know. This one guy, in my a couple of my classes...I would love to go out for coffee with him and just talk. I just want to pick his brain and get to know him...I miss that. I miss my sense of spontineity...my sense of adventure that left with my ability to trust people.
I was talking to some of my 'friends' the other day...and they really helped me with some of the things that I need to get over before I can accept a relationship....before I can give my heart to someone again. I mean..Wes still has my heart...as far as what is going on there I don't even know..
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!
I want love in my life...
I want romance in my life..
I want to be spoiled...
...and wined and dined and told how beautiful I look, and kissed so passionately that I have to catch my breath afterwards...
...I want to live in a movie...
I am so in love with Wes that I can't even explain it in words...and for some reason...he can say whatever he wants to me..and I just take it. I pretend to be big and bad and all bitchy and stick up for myself...but when I leave, or when I get off the phone...I turn into plain old me...lying, along in bed..crying into a pillow that is full of tears I should have never shed...
...I want to be kissed in a car, at night, with rain pouring hard outside...
...I want to be taken to an expensive restaurant so that I can get all dressed up and I want to indulge in the finer things in life...
...I want to go back to Kenya, and go on Safari in an expensive camp with a gorgeous wooden bed, and make love for hours, and get up just at sunrise looking out onto the animal ridden plains with the man that I love next to me , both of us gorgeously dressed in kakois, in complete silence there are no words to express how perfect that moment is...
...I want to stop dreaming of simple things that I should be getting in my life and make them a reality...
...I want to stop being afraid of intimacy from someone other than Wes...
...I want to stop the shudders that happen when Im hugged or touched by someone of the opposite sex...
...I want to trust again...
...I want to live again...
I want...
...you...
Monday, March 20, 2006
Letter from an Angel Part I
Im sorry for keeping you up last night....
Hope you had a good day at work - you are working yourself too hard ...don't wear yourself out.
Im glad that we had that conversation...I think it was good for you to get all that out.
You know it.
I know it.
As much as I love you, and as much as I am IN love with you...Im not going to continue to make you unhappy. Its not fair to you , cause you deserve so much more.
I love you
Im sorry that this dragged on so long...I wish you had told me everything alot sooner.
Im sorry that I annoy you.
Im sorry that you have had to put an act together everytime we are together.
I was just realising that I don't know if you know if I love you....I mean really love you. I haven't been able to do anything to show you ...but just read anything that Ive ever written to you...maybe that will refresh your memory.
I do want to stay with u....I do want to be in your life... I want to continue loving you....as a boyfriend....but its up to you.
Im sorry for making these past couple years hell for you...I really am. You have been so good to me regarding all this shit...
My life and your life are officially starting new stages right now. Im done school, and you are starting work. A good steady job...
You said you wanted structure...now is the time that it will happen for both of us.
As much as this email is me telling you how I feel about last night and how I feel abotu you, there is still that part of me that wishes that you would understand how I deserve to be treated. And I know you can do it.
...but if you don't love me...then I don't deserve to be treated any different then a really good friend.
Fuck...I dont know what to say...but I love you.
Yes, Im upset...Im sorry if you don't like that...but I am. Im not being negative about this situation, Im actually being quite positive. I want you in my life, not because I NEED you...but because I WANT you...
In the words of someone who I care for deeply .... " I wish you loved me"
The ball is in your court. I won't talk to you, I won't see you, I won't think of how much I miss you.....its all up to you.
Love you
Hope you had a good day at work - you are working yourself too hard ...don't wear yourself out.
Im glad that we had that conversation...I think it was good for you to get all that out.
You know it.
I know it.
As much as I love you, and as much as I am IN love with you...Im not going to continue to make you unhappy. Its not fair to you , cause you deserve so much more.
I love you
Im sorry that this dragged on so long...I wish you had told me everything alot sooner.
Im sorry that I annoy you.
Im sorry that you have had to put an act together everytime we are together.
I was just realising that I don't know if you know if I love you....I mean really love you. I haven't been able to do anything to show you ...but just read anything that Ive ever written to you...maybe that will refresh your memory.
I do want to stay with u....I do want to be in your life... I want to continue loving you....as a boyfriend....but its up to you.
Im sorry for making these past couple years hell for you...I really am. You have been so good to me regarding all this shit...
My life and your life are officially starting new stages right now. Im done school, and you are starting work. A good steady job...
You said you wanted structure...now is the time that it will happen for both of us.
As much as this email is me telling you how I feel about last night and how I feel abotu you, there is still that part of me that wishes that you would understand how I deserve to be treated. And I know you can do it.
...but if you don't love me...then I don't deserve to be treated any different then a really good friend.
Fuck...I dont know what to say...but I love you.
Yes, Im upset...Im sorry if you don't like that...but I am. Im not being negative about this situation, Im actually being quite positive. I want you in my life, not because I NEED you...but because I WANT you...
In the words of someone who I care for deeply .... " I wish you loved me"
The ball is in your court. I won't talk to you, I won't see you, I won't think of how much I miss you.....its all up to you.
Love you
Broken Down Angel
Well, I officially have no car...
Driving on Saturday to the mall, I stalled, caught on fire...and broke down. Just what I need....I have no car, and I have to get to school and work and what not.
This sucks.
Not only does my car break down, but my relationship with Wes, that has been on its last legs...I believe is officially over. We talked last night --- he loves me...but he's not IN love with me.
I don't even know what to say.....I mean I just thought that things were rough because of my weight. He says that Im not giving him enough space, and that the commitment is too much for him. I have no idea what he is talking about .
Basically - I suck. I love him. He doesn't love me back. Ive pushed him away. And its weird, because we have two options right now.
1) We could just end it, I'll be heart broken and move on with our lives...
2) We could just take a break....breathe...and see how things are...
I would really like to still have him in my life....but I wouldn't force someone to be with me...thats not right. We left the conversation last night with him telling me that he loves me..and me getting mad cause he really doesn't and why would he say that, just to fuck with my head...and me crying myself to sleep once again.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why does all this shit happen all at once??
Oh -- and thats the other thing...he doesn't love me anymore cause Im too negative. Oh ok...so I have all this shit happen to me , my bf hates me and thinks Im fat, no one will touch me even if I paid them, and I hate living at home . I try to be positive about every situation, and I try to be happy when I see him - but when you know, that this person doesn't love you anymore and almost gags at the sight of you..how are you NOT supposed to feel like shit??
Basically - I don't know what to do right now. Im upset cause Im losing the man that I love...and its all my fault...but at the same time I don't want to be that girl that the guy stays with only because he feels bad. Which is what Wes said last night...he was like ' You can't live without me...you are not independent."
YES I FUCKING AM...UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I dont know...I give up...I love him so much...but he doesn't love me back....
This sucks....
As Im writing this my eyes are filling up with tears, realising that my life is a complete joke. Do you know how it feels to realise that everyone and everything around you is based on complete lies. Its based on broken promises and fake smiles, and the fact that no one really cares what is going on with you because everyone always thinks that someone else is caring when in reality there is no one.
I love a man who is too good for me, he showed me the world for a brief period of time.
I woke up from this dream that is called love and faced reality recently.
He taught me what it feels like to love.
He taught me what it means to hear someone say I love you and really mean it.
He taught me what sharing your body and mind with someone else really feels like.
He taught me the pain of a broken heart.
He taught me the misery of being unloved, and unwanted.
He taught me never to give my heart to someone that easily again.
It hurts....
I hurt...
...more than words can explain...
Driving on Saturday to the mall, I stalled, caught on fire...and broke down. Just what I need....I have no car, and I have to get to school and work and what not.
This sucks.
Not only does my car break down, but my relationship with Wes, that has been on its last legs...I believe is officially over. We talked last night --- he loves me...but he's not IN love with me.
I don't even know what to say.....I mean I just thought that things were rough because of my weight. He says that Im not giving him enough space, and that the commitment is too much for him. I have no idea what he is talking about .
Basically - I suck. I love him. He doesn't love me back. Ive pushed him away. And its weird, because we have two options right now.
1) We could just end it, I'll be heart broken and move on with our lives...
2) We could just take a break....breathe...and see how things are...
I would really like to still have him in my life....but I wouldn't force someone to be with me...thats not right. We left the conversation last night with him telling me that he loves me..and me getting mad cause he really doesn't and why would he say that, just to fuck with my head...and me crying myself to sleep once again.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why does all this shit happen all at once??
Oh -- and thats the other thing...he doesn't love me anymore cause Im too negative. Oh ok...so I have all this shit happen to me , my bf hates me and thinks Im fat, no one will touch me even if I paid them, and I hate living at home . I try to be positive about every situation, and I try to be happy when I see him - but when you know, that this person doesn't love you anymore and almost gags at the sight of you..how are you NOT supposed to feel like shit??
Basically - I don't know what to do right now. Im upset cause Im losing the man that I love...and its all my fault...but at the same time I don't want to be that girl that the guy stays with only because he feels bad. Which is what Wes said last night...he was like ' You can't live without me...you are not independent."
YES I FUCKING AM...UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I dont know...I give up...I love him so much...but he doesn't love me back....
This sucks....
As Im writing this my eyes are filling up with tears, realising that my life is a complete joke. Do you know how it feels to realise that everyone and everything around you is based on complete lies. Its based on broken promises and fake smiles, and the fact that no one really cares what is going on with you because everyone always thinks that someone else is caring when in reality there is no one.
I love a man who is too good for me, he showed me the world for a brief period of time.
I woke up from this dream that is called love and faced reality recently.
He taught me what it feels like to love.
He taught me what it means to hear someone say I love you and really mean it.
He taught me what sharing your body and mind with someone else really feels like.
He taught me the pain of a broken heart.
He taught me the misery of being unloved, and unwanted.
He taught me never to give my heart to someone that easily again.
It hurts....
I hurt...
...more than words can explain...
Friday, March 17, 2006
Its just me...your little angel...
Ok -- So this blog has been rediscovered....re-started, and re-reread by myself and probably numerous other people and Im sure It will cause a stir. I mean I try so hard to confine myself to be the person that I want to be...the person that I know that I am...but then when Im alone with my thoughts, I don't even know who I am anymore.
Im stuck in this place right now, where I know that Im not happy...I know that things are not good, but yet Im still going through the motions because either its too painful to give up on this, or I know that there is something there....something that I need to work on...for...for us.
*sigh*
Im not changing who I am....Im just changing the size of who I am...
Im not changing who I am ...Im just changing the packaging
Im not changing who I am ....or am I???????
Tmrw is St. Paddy's Day and Im thoroughly excited. I can't wait!!! I get to drink...and have some fun this weekend. Although at the same time do alot of work...its gonna be a tiring weekend...but worth it.
...it would make it more worth it if I could spend it with someone I love...but then again I don't even know who that is at the moment.
Its been almost three years since I first felt that feeling...that feeling of knowing that the other person believes that there is no one more important in the world than you.
That feeling that makes you smile like an idiot for weeks...
That feeling that makes you want to never leave their side for fear of never feelign that again...
I feel some sort of feeling now....except its more of a self doubt and guilt feeling.
Gone are the days of calling just to say hi...Gone are the days of lying in bed for hours just talking and exploring each others bodies...
Fuck...
I hate love....but I love it at the same time.
There is nothing better than knowing that someone , at some point in the day, is thinking of how much they would drop everything for a single kiss from you...
There is nothing worse knowing that someone, at some point in the day....could care less as to what you are doing....
Ive been used, used for the best of me...and now when I am at my lowest point, and trying to pick myself up...im thrown away like a dirty rag....
It makes me sick. I don't even know what to do anymore...
Used
A single tear rolls down my cheek,
My soul is lost, and cold.
Trying to get over the heartbreak
Everytime you use me,
Over and Over again,
The wound cuts deeper and tears me apart.
I try, try my hardest to stay away,
But,
No matter how much you hurt me,
Over and Over again,
I will be there.
The love I feel,
Deep in my heart,
Knows that I will never leave.
So I sit Without you
Lonely Abandoned
Waiting to be used again...
Im stuck in this place right now, where I know that Im not happy...I know that things are not good, but yet Im still going through the motions because either its too painful to give up on this, or I know that there is something there....something that I need to work on...for...for us.
*sigh*
Im not changing who I am....Im just changing the size of who I am...
Im not changing who I am ...Im just changing the packaging
Im not changing who I am ....or am I???????
Tmrw is St. Paddy's Day and Im thoroughly excited. I can't wait!!! I get to drink...and have some fun this weekend. Although at the same time do alot of work...its gonna be a tiring weekend...but worth it.
...it would make it more worth it if I could spend it with someone I love...but then again I don't even know who that is at the moment.
Its been almost three years since I first felt that feeling...that feeling of knowing that the other person believes that there is no one more important in the world than you.
That feeling that makes you smile like an idiot for weeks...
That feeling that makes you want to never leave their side for fear of never feelign that again...
I feel some sort of feeling now....except its more of a self doubt and guilt feeling.
Gone are the days of calling just to say hi...Gone are the days of lying in bed for hours just talking and exploring each others bodies...
Fuck...
I hate love....but I love it at the same time.
There is nothing better than knowing that someone , at some point in the day, is thinking of how much they would drop everything for a single kiss from you...
There is nothing worse knowing that someone, at some point in the day....could care less as to what you are doing....
Ive been used, used for the best of me...and now when I am at my lowest point, and trying to pick myself up...im thrown away like a dirty rag....
It makes me sick. I don't even know what to do anymore...
Used
A single tear rolls down my cheek,
My soul is lost, and cold.
Trying to get over the heartbreak
Everytime you use me,
Over and Over again,
The wound cuts deeper and tears me apart.
I try, try my hardest to stay away,
But,
No matter how much you hurt me,
Over and Over again,
I will be there.
The love I feel,
Deep in my heart,
Knows that I will never leave.
So I sit Without you
Lonely Abandoned
Waiting to be used again...
Friday, March 10, 2006
Sad and Sick Angel
So I feel absolutely useless...
My bf isn't attracted to me...I haven't had any physical contact with anyone in over 2 mths...and he hugged me yesterday and it felt so foreign...oh and the only reason why he hugged me was because I was upset that he told me once again that I was too fat -- well he didn't say those exact words...but that is what he meant.
Ugh
Im so ugly...I can't even look in the mirror...and he knows it...and i try to be happy and fun and everything...but he just doesn't buy it...yet he won'tbreak up with me
I know he's fucking around with someone else...he has to be...he doesn't love me enough to not do that. He needs to get it somewhere.
What I don't get -- is my own actions...why am I still with him?
I dont friggin know anymore...
My bf isn't attracted to me...I haven't had any physical contact with anyone in over 2 mths...and he hugged me yesterday and it felt so foreign...oh and the only reason why he hugged me was because I was upset that he told me once again that I was too fat -- well he didn't say those exact words...but that is what he meant.
Ugh
Im so ugly...I can't even look in the mirror...and he knows it...and i try to be happy and fun and everything...but he just doesn't buy it...yet he won'tbreak up with me
I know he's fucking around with someone else...he has to be...he doesn't love me enough to not do that. He needs to get it somewhere.
What I don't get -- is my own actions...why am I still with him?
I dont friggin know anymore...
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