Im back...

Well, Im back blogging on here, because I can't blog on Livejournal anymore...the truth is too revealing for me sometimes, and I don't want those people who I think are my friends to think any worse of me...

I cried myself to sleep tonight...again...this depression that Im in...its almost a happy depression...if that makes any sense...I mean, Im pretty happy most of the time, and Im happy with the musical and everything...except...I have these miserable days...at least once a week, where I have two days that I just hate the world and don't want to talk to anyone or anything and just want to sleep.

I think the worst part about this whole shit...is that I have started hurting myself...almost as punishment for my stupidity ...for my own audacity at letting my relationship go to the shit, and letting my health go to shit as well....

Sometimes, I think back to being hit that night, and I remember thinking..maybe I do deserve this...maybe this has been a long time coming...and I sometimes wish that maybe I wish someone would hit some sense into me every now and again so that I know that Im fucking up.

Ive been cutting...not so much...not so deep, not too noticeable...but one day I was so pissed off while I was cutting up food...not at anything particular, but at the simple act OF cutting up food. The fact that I was eating....when I know, and everyone that looks at me knows that I defenitely don't need to eat more.....and well...I cut myself...on my finger...not too deep, but there was this sense of relief...a sense of letting all the anger out ...and it was amazing. I haven't really done anything too intense, mostly in places where people won't notice...mostly in places, where no matter what, no one will see...not even Wes....

What is wrong with me??? Ive resulted into doing everything I can to stop the pain that I feel inside. Im hurting myself...Im throwing up after meals...and not making myself throw up...just I get this feeling, and I just have to puke. I feel so guilty after meals....

I binge.

I actually only hate one person in this world right now --and its me.

I have never been so unhappy and happy at the same time. I know that people that I'm friends with...I know that they don't look at me....they look at the someone else that I have shown them...the person who is FAT

I FUCKING HATE SOCIETY.

Society judges how much attention you get and who you should have love you based on how much you weigh.....no matter what accomplishments you have, or no matter how nice or intellectual a person is.....it always comes down to weight.

Its even got that way with my parents. My sister is the daughter that they always wanted. Skinny, lots of friends...a little slut if you ask me...but they reward he rfor that. She is failing high school and they take her shopping....she cheats on her boyfriend and HE says sorry and gives her flowers....

Why am I such a bad person that I don't deserved to be treated right??

I sometimes feel that mayeb I say things, or act the way that I do because of the attention I miss...

...I don't know anyone that looks at me and says Im beautiful...without cringing on the inside
...I don't know anyone that wants me for who I am...without looking at the package its in
...I don't know anyone who would want me around them...without worrying who was watching us together

...I don't know anyone, including myself, that thinks I deserve to live

I have thought about it more so now then ever before...why continue this lie of a life, if I can't tell the people I love the most what Im feeling, what Im thinking...without getting criticism...

Im lying to everyone I know....Im not happy...Im miserable...but you know what...

...Im just gonna have to put on that happy face, and smile my way through it...cause in the end...

...no one really cares about anyone like me...I'm just a memory of someone who used to be...

...this new thing that is 'me' is hideous...I can't even look in the mirror...I refuse most of the time...I want to puke everytime I do...

Its 342 am....and Im depressed...I want to just walk and walk and walk...in a straight line...and not move for anyone or anything...

I don't want to be here anymore....Im not worth the air, or the space that I occupy