Calm Angel

Well , Im a little stressed with signing up for school - and paying the last of my tuition....its 300 friggin dollars or something...plus a downpayment...its like COME ON....I just want to register.

Other than that, things are cool. I have had a little bit of a stressful week one would say...and frankly I am just tired of being tired. I am swamped at OSC with all these last minute projects they have me doing, and Rogers is just worse with the friggin drama going on there. Sometimes, I wish that people would have to take a test in order to work at a certain age...if you weren't smart enough to handle renting videos to people....then you shouldn't be able to work ANYWHERE! I mean COME ON ITS JUST MOVIES! Its not rocket science! FUCK!!

Anyways, as the end of the summer wears down , I can thankfully say that I have changed into a closer version of the person that I once was. The weight thing is still an issue, but with all the work that I am going to be forcing myself to do, and all the physical activity ( which I have started again) that I will be also forcing myself to do...that should take care of my insecurities very slowly.

I plan on going back to Kenya in two years time ( after grad) and I'll be damned if Im gonna be wandering around Africa in jeans and a sweatshirt because Im too embarrassed to wear a bathing suit.

Anywho.....bed time for me...long day again tmrw....

Angel is stuck between a rock and a hard place...

Ive been in the shittiest situation recently.....Im working my ass off to pay back the money that I owe my dad....I owe so much to so many institutions that I can't keep up with my expenses and my payments. I have been having the worst time at home - between being harassed abotu everything and anything....and not being able to do anything about it cause I have no money to move out etc., to school, to getting back together with Wes, and him not even helping me at all. He constantly tells me what to do - take a year off, move out, work , etc. But somehow, I can't see that as an option. I don't want to see that as an option. I want to finish school and get a job and not worry about school again.....but this decision is looming and I need to make it soon.

I feel like anyone I talk to about this, just tells me that I need to make amends with my parents and move on. It really can't be that bad they say, you are over-exaggerating .......they can think what they want....but why is it that I dread coming back home , why is it that I will do anything to stay away from here....why is it that as soon as I walk in the door and go up into my room - the only thing I want to do is go back to my old habits......Im scared I will go back to them. I dont want too.....but no one will listen to me , no one will help me - Im stuck.

I just want a fucking normal life ...thast all I want. My money problems were temporaily solved...but now it looks like between all the red tape and shit that I am shit out of luck. Of course I am...why give me a break? I know I have got myself into this...I know that this is all my fault and that I am paying for it now.....but its not fair......

I lost some weight at the beginning of the summer...I felt good about myself...then lack of sleep with the second job and trying to pay back people ....I gained it back and then some. And now I am back to square one with Wes............... fuck.

I have two options:

A) to pay back my dad the money that I owe him - stay in school , and live at home dealing with all the shit and trying to stay away from here as much as possible. This will bring with it, alot of sleepless nights, lots of money on gas, and many an unpleasant night of swearing and yelling and abuse.

OR

B) to not pay my dad back a cent more. leave the car , move out , not go to school , work full time and get my life back on track.

I know I know .Option B sounds a hell of a lot easier. You are saying why dont I pick that one??? Well - I have the musical for example. The one thing that I love so much and am so excited for. If I don't go to school I can't do it, and nto only will I let them all down, but I will never be welcome back again - reputation precedes peopel in this sort of thing. Second, I don't want to stop school. I want to finish as soon as possible and I guess Im just gonna have to suck up the hardship and the annoying nights at home and finish. Then next year move out and not worry abotu it.

FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCKFUCK


I JUST WANT TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE. BE GOOD IN SCHOOL, HAVE GOOD FRIENDS WHO CARE, HAVE A BOYFRIEND THAT WILL LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT, HAVE A GOOD HOME LIFE....NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOTU MY MOTHER DRINKING HERSELF INTO A COMA AND MY FATHER SMOKING SO MUCH GODDAMN WEED THAT HE CAN'T SEE.

.....sadly, if I knew that there was one person out there that knew everything about me, and knew all my vices and my sins.....but still loved me unconditionally....I think I would be able to deal wit heverything else.....

...unfortunately I don't think Wes is that guy....and that hurts.

...maybe me being around is just a burden to everyone I know in itself...maybe I should just pack up my things and move to Oz like Laura said....I could get a job....rent a place....relax for as long as I needed.....

All I want is to make you happy babe....and I try.....but it seems like no matter what I do it always comes down to weight.

Why am I never good enough for you or anyone else for that matter?

What am I doing wrong??????

....answer that one for me.....and then get back to me......