Tired and Sore Angel

So Im sitting at home on a Sat night ....because well....Im in pain.....leg pain, heart pain, brain pain...lol Any type of pain - you name it - I got it.

I dunno why , I mean I have been getting along really well recently in light of recent events, and I dunno - today was a bad day.

I guess im just missing the fact that I can just melt inside his arms , and not care about anything - I hate that a single person can do that to you , and yet I love it all at the same time. I have seen Wes the past two weekends in a row , and although I didn't put any emotional attachment at the time, its hard to just forget about shit. I don't even know if I can say that there is a possibility, or if we are knowingly using each other. Although , I tell him that its nothing - and in reality I know its more than that.

I dunno....*SIGH*

I think that after all is said and done , Im just looking for someone to treat me special, I need it now. Shit with parents ,and health and everything is just getting harder and harder to deal with , and I need to know that there are things and people who love me and care for me on top of parents .....its weird ....I know.

I do miss him still...I mean I have seen him , and when I do its just like it was before...except there is this unspoken _________ ( something) there...I don't know what it is...but its there....
Meh....I have learned to take things as they come - thats all I can ask for . I realised that the hard way.

Im just tired of games and feelings, I just want it to be normal - but that is obviously too much to ask for my life.....Im just so sore.....and tired....

This Angel can't take much more....all I need is some good ol' fashioned TLC...but I got no one to turn on the channel....ha

Tired and Lonely Angel

Well, how eventful has the past couple of weeks been....EXTREMELY! I have finally given the big fuck you to everything that is bad in my life, and have become Ms. Positive. I can't continue to sit around and mope, which I haven't done in almost 2mths....and Its working out just awesome.

I feel better than I did, I supposedly have more circulation according to Wes...lol...don't ask, Im losing weight, and my self confidence couldn't be better. I mean yeah, I still envy people and wish I could look like them, but instead of sitting around doing nothing about it, Im continuing my exercises and making myself better....and its working! Im happier, a little more tired than normal, but thats ok. My leg is healing, as well as my heart.....ok well thats a lie. My heart isn't healing, but hey...what can you do. He knows I love him, he even told me he knows how much I love him when I saw him Sat, and that just makes me wonder. I mean I'm totally cool with being friends and everything, but if he knows just how much I love him , and the shit that I would do for him.....does he feel somewhat the same way at all?? Is he having second thoughts? But then there comes the age old question.....if he does have second thoughts...what do I do?? Do I get back together with him and pretend like we are a happy couple ??? or do I just tell him to go his way and we continue to be friends...and eventually fizzle out of each others lives...which I DEFENITELY DON"T WANT!

Its that question that no one knows that answer too until its either too late, or too early. You can never get that answer right on the nose. But , Im glad that we took this time away from each other...It was really nice spending time with him on Sat night, and as sappy as it sounds...I didn't realise what I had when I had it. I mean yeah, we weren't the most perfect couple, but who is? I miss him so much. We had the morning banter, and all that stuff......just like old times....fuck....I was totally ok with it when it was happening, and on the car ride home and stuff...and now...it gets me thinking.....what have I done?!?!?!? What did I do to screw this up....why couldn't I make this work.....I know now! I know what was wrong with me , I know that you can't expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself....and ya know what...I love myself.....a shitload....and I do hope that he sees that, and realises what we could have together and we are together again....but then again...if he doesn't......it will hurt....so much......more than it does now...more than it did to know that if I said 'I love you' on Sat, I wouldn't be getting the response that I wanted.....but .......

so be it...

I think that the funniest thing about this whole situation , is that everyone I have met that is in love says its the best feeling in the world, that its so euphoric and you get this funny feeling inside, and you want nothing but to be with that person forever. What you don't realise , is that when you don't have that person in your life, that love grows so strong, and you have the same feeling...just unfullfilled.....and if your lucky it will die down, but still lay dormant for friendship
purposes.

...and if your unlucky like me....it will stay stronger than ever...and make you realise.....that you love him more than ever.....

fuck.

Sick Angel

Ugh...so Im sick...

Horrible sinus cold and I can't take anything for it cause Im allergic to anti-histamines...BOOOO
And I guess the saddest part about all this , is that right now , the only thing that I need ( and want) is to be with Wes.

I mean...yeah its sad and pathetic that after a month I still want him...but there is something inside of me, that just knows that we are going to get back together. Or at least hopes that we are going to get back together. Is that stupid? I mean I think that our time apart is going to be good for the two of us...but I just miss that whole having someone to always talk to......Im not going to get into it again...lol

But anyways, today is one of those days where I feel like crap and just want to dissappear in his arms and feel loved and comfy and know that he loves me. Im not the type of person who likes being alone ALL the time. I mean I love my new found independence, and stuff, but now that I have experienced what its like to give yourself to someone all the way, and the feelings that came over me....well...I just don't want to be without that feeling.

Well, Im slowly getting better, and to be honest...as stupid as it might sound...my emotional issues are pretty much gone...I mean my confidence has skyrocketed and you would think it would do the opposite being dumped...but I dunno.

All I know is that I still love him and want to show him the person that I am now....the old me....or the new me...lol.....

Oh...and I haven't got laid in like over a month....damn...you don't know what you got till its gone is the most true statement going through my head lately....lol

Hopefully all gets better....what am I talking about....it is better!!!